My life has been chock full of hardships. There’s so much of it that it’s really difficult for me to know where to start, what to cover, HOW to cover everything, and a plethora of other hurdles. The struggle is real, y’all (ew… the Arkansas came out there, my bad).

And before I proceed, I’m giving my usual “Trigger Warning” Disclaimer – there’s going to be a LOT of things mentioned here that can be potentially triggering for anyone that’s suffered any type of trauma… fair warning.

So – because of the hurdles I’m facing – I suppose I’ll run with my default approach: Educational. It’s basically my gateway into being able to organize my thoughts better, help others understand the meat ‘n taters of the topic(s), and open my mind up for further writing. Apologies in advance, it might get lengthy (yet again lol).

I am an absolute whore for this stuff. My [undiagnosed] ADHD drives the Insatiable Curiosity Bus (feel like I’ve said this exact thing before…) frequently. I’ve learned a LOT about the brain, trauma, psychology, and a host of other things – not just from going to therapy myself, but tons and tons of hours of research and reading. I soak it up like a dry sponge soaks up water…

Best bet? Starting with the basics: What IS trauma?!

• Trauma is: a lasting emotional response to a distressing event, often resulting in harm to a person’s sense of safety, self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships. It can involve a range of reactions, including intense emotional upset, anxiety, and difficulty with self-regulation, potentially leading to long-term mental health challenges like PTSD.

The key aspects of trauma are as follows:

• Distressing Events: Traumatic events can be single incidents, repeated occurrences, or a series of events perceived as harmful or life-threatening. 
• Emotional Response: Trauma is characterized by a strong emotional reaction, often involving fear, helplessness, or dissociation. 
• Long-Term Effects: Trauma can have lasting impacts on a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
• Types of Trauma: Trauma can be categorized as acute (single event), chronic (repeated events), or complex (multiple, often interpersonal events). 
• Varied Reactions: Not everyone reacts the same way to a traumatic event, and what one person experiences as trauma may not cause distress for another.

This is all the basic concept of what trauma is, to give a general understanding. I’d like to take a moment and note the “Varied Reactions” point. Each individual reacts differently to different situations. In my specific case, my brother and I both went through pretty much the exact same, prevalent childhood trauma, but had very different reactions – and these reactions are what shaped who we each are today. Unfortunately, it caused us BOTH distress. He is an alcoholic. I have multiple physical and mental diagnoses.

Now, I’m going to expand on one of the other key aspects, the “Types of Trauma” – which is broadly categorized into 3 main types:

• Acute Trauma: This type of trauma arises from a single, sudden, and potentially life-threatening event, such as a car accident, natural disaster, or witnessing a violent act. The emotional and psychological impact can be significant, but usually time-limited. 
• Chronic Trauma: This type results from ongoing or repeated exposure to traumatic events, often over a prolonged period. Examples include domestic violence, ongoing abuse, or exposure to war. Chronic trauma can have a more pervasive and lasting impact on an individual’s well-being. 
• Complex Trauma: This category encompasses exposure to multiple traumatic events, particularly those that are invasive, interpersonal, and may be of a developmental nature. Childhood abuse, neglect, or exposure to multiple traumas can contribute to complex trauma. The effects of complex trauma can be particularly profound and long-lasting, potentially impacting various aspects of an individual’s life, including attachment, emotional regulation, and self-concept.

Sadly, while I can solidly state that I’ve experienced every single one of these (ugh), the most damaging were the chronic and complex types. I could easily lump them both into one, though… Chronic Complex Trauma. And it IS a legit thing anyway:

• Chronic Complex Trauma, often leading to Complex PTSD (CPTSD), results from prolonged or repetitive exposure to multiple traumatic events, often interpersonal in nature, where escape or rescue was difficult or impossible. Unlike acute trauma, which stems from a single incident, chronic complex trauma can have a more profound and lasting impact on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being.

Before I get too far gone, I wish to divulge as many examples of what traumas I’ve experienced… mostly for my own sanity, but also to give you readers an expansive idea of just how much shit I’ve had to deal with (which will – in turn – help you understand why I suffer from so many things now). I haven’t decided whether I’ll do a “Part 2” to this, detailing how all of this has effected me. But yeah.

Starting with Acute Trauma:

• Physical Assault: In this case, a co-worker and I were victims of a robbery at gunpoint at a workplace in Kansas City. I was in my early 20s. Thankfully, no-one was hurt.
• Sexual Assault/Rape: This one is still difficult for me to talk about (naturally), mostly because the two times I experienced it were completely different in nature.
  • The first was “rape by coercion” – 3 solid months (immediately following a bad breakup) of mental/emotional manipulation and attempted blackmail to have sex by someone I considered a “friend” – until I caved in. To this day, I still struggle with accepting that it was a legitimate rape.
  • The other was perpetuated by The Dementor – my “boyfriend” at the time. He sexually assaulted me out of nowhere, from behind, when I was not expecting (or wanting) it… and yeah, it’s also hard to accept this one as legitimate because he was my boyfriend. But the shock of it made me freeze immediately, unable to say anything, and it was over pretty quickly. It felt violating and NOT something a loving partner is supposed to do (without any sort of prior consent, let alone mutual enjoyment).
• Natural Disasters: 
  • February 2nd, 2008 – a tornado tore through the town where I worked [for the Post Office] and lived nearby, destroying 79 homes and leaving 100 others severely damaged.
  • The Ice Storm, January 26-28th of 2009 – 2.5 inches of ice blanketed a wide swath of states, including: Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Tennessee, and Kentucky. This caused widespread power outages for over 2 million people, killing 65 people overall. I was married to Gravity at the time and my son was 3. We were displaced from our home for over a month, squatting at my parents’ house until we were able to get insurance to pay for the damages and make the repairs necessary for it to become habitable again.
• Mass Shootings: Have not experienced this. Included for Educational Purposes.
• Terrorist Attacks: Have not experienced this. Included for Educational Purposes.
• Car Crashes: 
  • My poor ’85 Olds Cutlass Supreme. I was 17-18 (I think?!) when I allowed a boy I had a crush on to drive my car on the strip (I’m pretty sure some of you will understand that). At this fateful moment, he pulled out of Hardees like a bat out of hell, lost control, and flipped my car onto it’s side off the right edge of the road, down a small hill, and into a cluster of some tree/plant/giant bush. In the shock of the event, a random stranger (our age) scared the living shit out of me, telling me I’d go to jail if I didn’t tell the cops that I had been the one driving. That was horseshit, of course, as I learned later. But my young and stupid brain didn’t know any better.
  • One month into dating The Dementor, on a motorcycle ride with friends, he and I witness one of my friends get thrown into traffic and hit by a van (a mom and kids, sadly). He was thrown into the center median (basically just a grassy area in the middle of highway, separating the opposing lanes of traffic). His wife and I watched him pass away before the medical assistance could arrive.
• Serious Injuries: I can’t say that I’ve had much of this, but the one I remember distinctly happened when I lived in Kent, WA. Given the time frame, I was between 4-7 years old. I was playing hide-and-seek with my neighbor friends in their back yard. I’d hidden behind a tree, peeked out to see where the “it” person was, when suddenly, a stick came flying out of nowhere, hitting me right in the ear, causing my earring to slice a hole in my neck/jaw area (?!) just behind my earlobe. It bled profusely. I was rushed somewhere by The Plague, my face was covered with whatever, and I received 3 stitches.
• And I will add one “distressing event” here (as it doesn’t quite “fit” in the other categories): I found a roommate dead in our apartment, one week after she died by suicide. She had taken care of me for 6 weeks after I’d had appendicitis/surgery.

Damn. That was actually a bit more than I expected, but I did mention that going the Educational route would get my brain juices flowing. I have a shit memory most days, so this is bringing up ALL the things (yaaaay… 😐 )

Now on to Chronic Trauma (starting with the definitions, as they aren’t as self-explanatory as Acute Trauma, and some won’t apply to me):

• Long-term Abuse: This includes physical, emotional, and sexual abuse experienced over an extended period, particularly in childhood. — Physical and mental abuse experienced over my entire childhood (as early as 6 months) and well into adulthood.
• Domestic Violence: Ongoing abuse within a relationship, including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. — Same as above, I suppose. But also with Gravity and The Dementor.
• Bullying: Repeated and prolonged harassment, which can have lasting effects on mental health. — I don’t remember much bullying happening (outside of The Plague, ofc), but we lived in a trailer and wore hand-me down clothes (i.e. poor). I do recall being ostracized from a lot, if that counts as bullying.
• Chronic Medical Illness and Procedures: Experiencing long-term health conditions and invasive medical procedures can be a source of chronic trauma. — I had histoplasmosis as a baby (as told by my mom). I’ve been under anesthesia [officially] 11 times now… all for procedures for varying reasons, though 2 of them were “failed” ones (meaning I did not get the procedure for 1 reason or another). My physical health has been slowly declining for about 10 years now. My mental health has been shit most of my life.
• Homelessness: The constant state of being without a stable home can be a highly stressful and traumatic experience. — I experienced 3 days of homelessness, but I wouldn’t really consider it a trauma.
• Neglect: A lack of care and attention, particularly in childhood, can lead to chronic trauma. — This was perpetuated by both my parents, unfortunately. Both of my previous relationships with Gravity and The Dementor involved a lot of this, as well.
• Community Violence: Living in areas with high crime rates and frequent violence can expose individuals to repeated trauma. — Have not experienced this. Included for Educational Purposes (Side Note, though? I was forced to go to church from age 7 to 18 and I consider that a form of community violence, but that’s – again – a whole other topic for some other time).
• Ongoing War or Combat: Military personnel and civilians living in war-torn areas may experience chronic trauma from constant exposure to violence and danger. — Have not experienced this. Included for Educational Purposes.
• Witnessing Abuse: Individuals who regularly witness violence or abuse between others, such as in their families or communities, can develop chronic trauma. — I have witnessed too much from the hands of The Plague against animals and my brother, and verbally against those AND my mom (never witness him raise a hand to her, oddly enough).

And Complex Trauma (Not listing all of these, because only two of them apply and they’re basically a repeat of Chronic Trauma):

• Childhood Abuse or Neglect: Ongoing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or prolonged periods of neglect, can significantly impact a child’s development and lead to complex trauma. — Just as with Chronic
• Prolonged Domestic Violence: Repeated exposure to violence and abuse within a household can result in complex trauma, affecting both the individual experiencing the abuse and those who witness it. — Just as with Chronic

I am going to add a small “extra” trauma: Betrayal Trauma – which occurs when someone’s trust or well-being is violated by someone they depend on, such as a caregiver, partner, or authority figure. It can have lasting emotional and psychological effects, often leading to difficulties in relationships, trust issues, and emotional regulation. I didn’t add it in with the childhood things, because I feel that this was just an inherent thing that happened because of the rest of it? And I was too young to really understand or process what it was back then. All the same, I hadn’t consciously experienced or known about this type of trauma until recently.

I’ve probably forgotten a few things. My son’s autism diagnosis, for example, was a HUGE trauma that hit hard and lasted his entire life to date. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t detract from my love and care for him, but to say that it wasn’t a big deal would be an outright lie.

Anyway… I think I’m done. I’ve worked on this twice today (had therapy and other life things between) and it’s pretty well wrecked me. It’s really hard to concentrate on this kind of thing, given what it brings up for me mentally and emotionally.