Whew… Addiction [to any/all manner of things] runs rampant the world over, so I KNOW this one is going to hit a lot of people really hard – whether you have an addiction(s) or a loved one (like me, thrice over) does. But, I deeply understand. You are not alone. And… in the off chance that you feel like you don’t fit into either one of these categories, boy do I have news for you… 😅

First off, what IS addiction? Addiction is a chronic condition characterized by compulsive and persistent use of a substance or behavior despite negative consequences. It is a complex disorder that involves changes in the brain’s reward system and can lead to significant problems in various aspects of life.

This definition is pretty straightforward (though far too broad, imho), but to better understand the path I’m taking you on, I must explain WHO is affected by addiction…

Literally. Everyone.

I know, I know… Hard pill to swallow without some evidence, yeah? Just stick with me on this and I promise, if you keep an open mind, you will gain some clarity.

To explain how literally everyone is an addict in some way or another, I invite you to journey next into the realm of “what things are addictive?” And for that, I draw upon the vast experience and knowledge of Dr. Gabor Maté:

“We are all addicted to something, not necessarily a substance. A way of thinking, being, reacting, and it comes from somewhere.” – Gabor Maté

This man is a world-renowned physician, author, and speaker known for his work on trauma, addiction, and childhood development. He emphasizes the interconnectedness of physical and psychological health, highlighting the impact of early life experiences and social factors on individual well-being. His books and lectures explore the links between trauma, addiction, and mental health, advocating for a compassionate and holistic approach to healing.

Now, I could legitimately throw a ton of Dr. Maté quotes out here, but then the entirety of this entry would be filled to the brim and not contain much of my own thoughts and opinion (which, btw, I’ve gained much of from him). 😛

But once again, I digress…

When I first watched this video and Dr. Maté pointed out that we are all addicted to something, I was taken aback… literally while puffing on my nicotine vape.

I had to pause the video at about 03:52 and really think about the implications and impact that his statement had on me: “Addiction is manifested in any behavior that a person finds temporary pleasure or relief in and therefore craves…” Oof. Ok, you got me there, good sir. And my mind started to flood with all the little things that, because of my Anhedonia (cuz ya know, “pleasureable” things don’t play here), I find temporary relief in. Seriously, stop and think about that with yourself – just for a moment. According to Dr. Maté, we are all addicted to something… be it work, video games, reading, music, religion, adrenaline, love, pain… Lordt, I could list a thousand things. The point is, if you stop to consider how we – as humans – have a natural tendency to seek out external validation, comfort, or stimulation, it isn’t hard to realize that even YOU have an addiction to something.

But the real meat n’ taters of addiction can be summed up in another (short but powerful) quote by Dr. Maté:

“Ask not why the addiction, but why the pain?”

Thing is, when an addiction becomes a serious problem, it isn’t a choice. It isn’t – despite the ignorance of the medical community as a whole currently – a brain disease that can be cured with pills. Addiction is a response to human suffering, an attempt to escape that suffering temporarily. Addiction, at it’s core, is unresolved TRAUMA experienced in the past, usually from childhood (oh, hello, cPTSD!), that manifests in a temporary (albeit destructive) solution to suffering that we don’t know how to heal from.

I have seen the damage that addiction can cause in loved ones. Both my brother and a dear friend of mine are alcoholics. I know now that they are attempting to drown their suffering in this way because they don’t know how else to cope/heal from the trauma they’ve endured. I can’t say that I know what trauma(s) my friend went through in his past, but I only met him in my KC college days (heh, he was friends with The Catholic Cowboy I was dating at the time) and we weren’t even in our 20’s then. He also wasn’t an alcoholic at that point, that I can recall. As for my brother… we went through the exact same toxic abuse in our entire childhoods, so I am intimately aware of the demons he’s trying to drown out.

And, as I mentioned in the beginning (thrice over?), the third loved one with an addiction is The Boyfriend. I haven’t asked if he would be okay with me revealing the specific type of addiction he has, so – unfortunately for anyone reading this – I have to be vague. I respect his autonomy and (possible) desire for more anonymity regarding all this. Suffice it to say, his addiction – and the Betrayal Trauma it caused – were all very new to me.

And now… the Effects of Addiction on the Brain (yay education!):

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Addiction significantly alters brain structure and function, impacting behavior and overall health. These changes stem from the way addictive substances interact with the brain’s reward system and other crucial areas. 

Here’s a breakdown of the key effects:

1. Disruption of the Reward System:

• Dopamine Surge: Addictive substances trigger a massive release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation, in the brain’s reward pathway.
• Tolerance and Dependence: With repeated drug use, the brain adapts by reducing dopamine receptors or decreasing dopamine production, leading to tolerance and dependence.
• Reduced Sensitivity to Natural Rewards: As the brain becomes less sensitive to dopamine, individuals may find it harder to experience pleasure from natural rewards like social interaction or hobbies. 

2. Impact on Brain Structure and Function:

• Prefrontal Cortex: Addiction can impair the prefrontal cortex, affecting judgment, decision-making, and impulse control, leading to poor choices and compulsive drug-seeking behaviors.
• Amygdala: This area, which processes emotions, becomes hyperactive in addiction, contributing to anxiety, irritability, and negative emotional states associated with withdrawal.
• Hippocampus: Addiction can affect the hippocampus, crucial for memory and learning, leading to difficulties in forming new memories and learning from experiences. 

3. Long-Term Effects and Potential for Recovery:

• Cognitive Deficits: Chronic substance use can result in persistent problems with attention, memory, learning, and executive function.
• Mental Health Issues: Addiction can increase the risk of developing or worsening mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and psychosis.
• Neuroplasticity and Recovery: The brain possesses neuroplasticity, the ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. Recovery from addiction involves reversing some of the brain changes through abstinence, therapy, and support. 

Important Note:

The severity and duration of brain changes due to addiction vary depending on factors like the type of substance, duration of use, individual differences, and overall health. While some changes may be long-lasting, research suggests that significant brain recovery is possible with treatment and sustained abstinence. 

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Because I am such a whore for brain things, I already had a pretty good “idea” of what addiction does to the brain (bc brother and friend), but with the discovery of The Boyfriend’s addiction, and my inherent need to know ALL the things, I learned SO much more about the science behind it. It solidified my understanding of how he was being affected, thus giving my own traumatized brain a chance to take a step back, breathe, and find deep compassion, patience, and love for him.

Now, don’t get me wrong here… I went through a horrendous Sharknado (heh, cuz the chaos of a tornado and the sharks are various bitey emotions?!) of emotional upheaval when I found out, with a chronic phase of panic attacks and triggered cPTSD for 2 solid weeks before I was able to confront him (haha, yeah… confrontation being the WORST and thing for me to have to endure). However, I AM a whore for brain things and I DEEPLY understand trauma… and – despite the (grueling) months between my initial fall for him and the discovery of this addiction – my love never wavered. As I said in yesterday’s post, when I love, I love with my WHOLE self, every fiber of my being. Despite the visceral pain from all this, I STILL love him.

And that is the key factor that I wish to impart on both the addicted and the loved ones of the addicted:

To the addicted: you are NOT your addiction. You are not alone. There IS hope (ugh, that word again) for recovery – but YOU have to want it, YOU have to choose healing. Nobody else can make that choice for you. Understand the damage that this addiction has caused for you, but also for the people that truly love you. It won’t be easy, but I promise it will be worth it.

To the loved ones of the addicted: They did not choose this. They do not need judgment, punishment, or to be vilified… what they need is love, understanding, patience, and support. With these things, they can have the autonomy necessary to choose their path to recovery. And if you can’t be there for them in this way, step aside. You can only handle what you can handle, and if you can’t handle the work it takes to be what the addict in your life needs… that’s ok. It is better to bow out than cause more suffering.

As for myself and The Boyfriend… it’s been really fucking hard on both of us, this journey (as evidenced in yesterday’s post), but… I’m still here, loving and supporting him, doing what I can for my own suffering (yay therapy!). Some day, I truly do hope (damnit!) we will be past this, he will be in recovery, and I will have gained knowledge and experience and healing.

Until then…