The weight of my thoughts traps me in a downward spiral that I have to ride until it’s over because I’m not able to just climb off and go about living. The stress of merely existing keeps me anchored wherever I am, either with wholly dissociating or mindlessly Doom Scrolling.

The Boyfriend went to bed an hour or so ago (time means shit when I’m in this kind of head space). It was a pretty decent day and our daily check-in seemed to go fairly well. We did it while we started to put a new puzzle together (sshhh, we’re not THAT old). We watched a couple of Family Guy Star Wars episodes, then finished the last 3 episodes of the new season of Andor.

But… I sat on the couch for a good 15 minutes, Doom Scrolling instead of getting up to let the 3 Turds (my cats) out of the basement (long story short, his cat doesn’t get along with other animals). I realized that I’d basically just zoned the fuck out for a while and finally got off my ass.

It left me feeling exhausted and depressed (not that this ever changes, merely fluctuates in severity). The shit thing is, I abhor that I’m so self-aware. Ignorance is bliss, some wanker said ages ago (don’t feel like looking them up)? If only. Knowing and understanding whatever mood strikes sucks whale anus. I can’t do much about it most of the time, so it makes me feel powerless, ya know?

The biggest mental/emotional weight I’m dealing with currently is a conglomerate of things… the knowledge that I love someone more than they love me, needing support and reassurance and attention – but the fear of rejection outweighs that to the point that I just don’t ask, not wanting to be a burden – but feeling inadequate because of how dependent I am (fucking lame ass body)… and I’m just SO tired of being patient and not giving up, being the “adult” when I want to throw a whole-ass tantrum – fraught with screaming and crying and throwing things.

But I can’t. I can’t let any of that out, I must couch my anger, frustration, and disappointment. I have to be strong (yet again) and never give up or else (I’m pretty sure) it will all fall apart.

And it suuuuuucks sooooo muuuuuch knowing that if I gave up, it would crumble.

I honestly and desperately just want to be chosen, for once. Loved openly and valued for all the good qualities I possess, despite how many decades of trauma I’ve endured, ya know? I’m tired of giving everything I am to someone else and not getting the same in return.

It’s so hard. I’ve given so much. I’ve poured and poured and my cup just keeps running empty, never truly filled again except by my own grit and determination. Fuck this big, dumb heart.

So… the only recourse I have is to sleep it off. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe… just maybe… I’ll survive that one, too. I’ll keep going, day after day, moment after moment… waiting in my unrequited love until something changes…