Aight, where my fellow Spoonies at?! 😛

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino is a good one, folks. It’s been around for a long while now and made the rounds, but… totally worth going over again – or at all, if you haven’t already heard about or read it. I’ll quote Ms. Miserandino and explain it in a basic sense:

…the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions.

For those of us with [chronic] health issues, “spoons” represent how many choices we are allotted at the start of our day. A lot of factors go into each day’s amount of “spoons,” such as how much sleep we got the night before, how much activity (i.e. how many spoons we spent) we did the previous day, mentally/emotionally stressful encounters, and so on. We have to consciously choose which things to spend spoons on, too. And? Every “Spoonie” (person with chronic health issues) is different. No two Spoonies can compare their spoon supply just because they have the same illness.

I don’t feel that my explanation gives it justice, though, so please do go and read the article itself (linked above).

Now then… I’ve done a smol (incomplete?!) list in a previous post about my mental and physical health issues, but haven’t really explained how they effect me on a daily basis. I’m going to make an attempt to do so, but I’m already starting the day off with less spoons than I would like (my knees are in pain and were all night, making sleep very broken and hard to come by).

Taking from the physical list to start: Lumbar Radiculitis and other shit from L2-S1 (too much to list). The entire conglomerate of painful happenings I have going on in this area – which I dub “low back” for ease of explanation – is the MAIN source of my chronic physical issues. That pain is ALWAYS there, 24/7. Sitting and bending over are the only ways I’m able to ease some of that (and only for so long). Standing, though? The pain starts off at a moderate/dull throb level, but that grows exponentially the longer I stand, getting sharper and radiating further down/out into my hips/legs/knees. Any activity beyond that, such as walking, makes the pain worse, as well.

Next is the Meralgia Paresthetica I have in both legs. Basically, from hips to knees (outer thigh areas), I experience sharp pains, tingling, numbness, and burning sensations. Combined with the previous “low back” stuff – this causes my IT (iliotibial) bands to be constantly and extremely tense… which means that if you were to poke it with barely any force, you could take me out pretty easily. The pain of that is excruciating. I also have “suprapatellar fat pad impingement” in both knees, which was only recently diagnosed. I haven’t done much research on that just yet, so I don’t know if the pain I feel in my knees (sharp and overwhelming) is due to that or other factors, but suffice it to say that THIS pain comes in full force the longer my knees go without moving – i.e. at night, when I’m trying to sleep.

Along with all that, I have Pudendal Neuralgia. This is a bladder/bowel/sexual function issue – or, as I say, nerve shit. Granted, it isn’t as bad as it COULD be (thankfully), but it’s enough to be annoying in most cases. I have to use the bathroom frequently for the bladder side of it (The Boyfriend and I make light of that sometimes), I have chronic constipation and diarrhea, and… ugh, well, I guess I’ll just say that the sexual side of things involves a lot of difficulty with dryness and ability to finish. 😐 Weirdly, I feel a bit uncomfortable with saying that on my public blog (and I’m not one to get all that embarrassed usually lol).

Moving on! There is also some Cervical shit from C2-C7 (again, too much to list). This is new to me, as well. I can only describe that it causes me pain in my neck/shoulders, but most of the time I hardly pay it any mind. Stress makes those pains worse, of course, but I often try to ignore all that because of everything else that takes my focus. I’ve been recently diagnosed with Carpel Tunnel and Ulnar Neuropathy in both arms, as well. Between the neck shit and that shit, my left shoulder is having some weird issue where it feels like it’s slightly out of socket, pulling on whatever tendon or nerves are in there (an issue I have yet to address with the doc).

Lordt. This is getting long and I haven’t even delved into the mental/emotional shit, yet 😅

All of these physical things I endure on a daily basis effect the choices I make on what things I can or can’t do. I can’t work, I can’t do many household chores, I can’t cook (ugh, I miss that a lot). I can still drive, but I had to give up riding motorcycles (huge sad panda shit right there). I can shower, but I have to choose what I do IN the shower (and sometimes I sit for things, like shaving my legs). Grocery shopping is usually done in a wheely cart (lol, sorry, a motorized cart). I use a cane whenever I leave the house to do literally anything, not because I need it to walk, but in case my low back, legs, or knees decide to “Nope” on me. It’s there to hopefully prevent any falling. And with all of this physical stuff, I am easily exhausted, chronically fatigued, and often need a nap to get through the day. My nervous system is constantly enflamed.

This all does a number on my mental/emotional health too, which makes all the shit on THAT end even worse. The metal and physical shit exacerbate each other, so it’s like a never-ending spiral of doom and gloom. It’s no wonder a previous therapist noted how much of a pessimist I am 😛

And I’m mentally exhausted, now, so I think I’m going to do as much of a basic summary of the mental stuff and sign off for the day…

The Big One: Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder with Anhedonia, Anxiety, and (c)PTSD. I also have undiagnosed [Inattentive] ADHD (still waiting for the evaluation on that – but a previous psychiatrist made note that they see it exists for me). I am ALWAYS depressed and I’ve run the gambit on meds, trying to find anything that will help. It has sucked whale anus, let me tell ya. Serotonin Syndrome is a bitch (and I’ve only experienced the mild beginning symptoms of that shit). I’ve had a couple meds that seemed to work, but after 2-3 months my body completely rejects it and it’s back to square one. As of right now, I just had the dosage upped for the current med I’m on with regards to TRMDD/Anhedonia. It’s a fairly new one and doesn’t even have a generic brand (yet). In another month, I’ll consult with the psych on that and we’ll see if it’s doing any good. Then, hopefully because it IS, I’ll continue on that for 2-3 months and cross my fingers that it sticks. I also have a new med that’s working fairly well for the Anxiety and (c)PTSD, though, so there’s that.

The levels of mental and physical exhaustion I have to deal with every day because of all these things… well, they really take a toll on the amount of spoons I have access to. And this is why I’m so tired of being “strong” and resilient. I just want a vacation from myself. Maybe a nice week of no pain?! But… I’ve experienced a few days of that (trial run on the spinal stimulator I just had removed)… it’s nice to have very little pain for a cpl days, but omfg when it comes back it’s even worse than if I hadn’t had a break.

So yeah. I might go back to bed for a bit lol