During one of my Women’s Support Group meetings for R4S – an addiction recovery program (more to come on that, stay tuned) – we discussed how difficult it is to forgive our partners for the Betrayal Trauma and everything else they inflicted on us. One of the other ladies talked about the overwhelming pressure that “society” (literally anyone outside the relationship) – and even our own partners – puts on us to forgive and “get over” the pain we’re suffering from. Katie (the program co-founder and women’s group leader) responded with reassurance that we do NOT – in fact – have to succumb to that pressure. We are allowed to feel that pain and forgiveness doesn’t just happen. Even when/if we say the words, “I forgive you” – it doesn’t mean it all magically goes away.

I had a thought and decided to put my 2 cents in, “I think forgiveness comes in pieces.” And explained what I meant. I haven’t been able to forget about it. I’ll admit… after pondering on it a while and discussing it with The Boyfriend during check-in last night… the concept is actually pretty damn profound. I struggle with even writing that because I don’t think I’m better than anyone or some sort of amazing thinker, so… speaking positively about a thing I thought up feels weird and foreign. I have mentioned in a previous post how much of a pessimist I am. All the same, given how forgiveness is touted as some sort of heroic act of self love lately… like some fantastical one-off on the path to healing… blegh. I haven’t been able to wrap my sensibilities around all that, and thus… this concept was born in a flash of inspiration.

Anyhoo… if you really think about it… when trust is broken, it feels like it (and the self) has been shatters into pieces, yeah? So… why can’t Forgiveness return in pieces? In my journey with The Boyfriend’s addiction, the subsequent Betrayal Trauma, and the (sometimes grueling) recovery process, not only are there a plethora of smaller things to “forgive” – but time and effort on HIS part provide small moments of forgiveness overall. Katie was absolutely right about forgiveness not happening just because we say we forgive.

Another way to think about it? Consider the Featured Picture. That heart made of glass, shattered and broken, missing pieces… could represent your ethereal/emotional heart (however you believe in that). Someone or something destroyed it. If it were a person causing the destruction, it requires that same person to start picking the pieces up – one by one – and returning them in whatever ways are necessary to regain trust and garner forgiveness. While we are only responsible for our own shit (one of my motto’s mentioned in the past), I still believe that our role in this is whether or not we choose to accept those efforts or… not. We will still have to gather pieces ourselves, do our own repairs, but… I fully believe that forgiveness won’t happen unless the offending party chooses to reconcile and work hard at earning that trust back.

And, Katie is also correct in that we do not have any obligations to forgive anyone for the wrong they’ve done. Period. There are not “buts” in that. We have every right to feel the way we do when we’ve been hurt, when our trust has been shattered. And? We also have every right to walk away, choose to forgive, or any other manner of response. But hear me when I say this: we do not have the right to retaliate. We do not have the right to cause harm. Revenge is not the answer.

Forgiveness does not invalidate the pain we feel. It also doesn’t excuse what someone else did to us. I do agree that forgiveness is a personal journey, but that comes with our own choice(s) to do so and time.

Forgiveness comes in pieces…