I did a “Life Update” on my FB this morning… this is the way I used to journal, once in a blue moon. It isn’t consistent, but sometimes I just throw a bit out there because everything gets to be too much and I need an outlet. Such is the same this morning, except this time I opened my Blog to write and sat here staring at my screen for a good 5 minutes, dissociating and drawing a blank.

So, I reverted back to Life Update stuffs and now I’m back.

I. Am. So. Tired. All the things that have happened in the last month have ground me down to a fine dust that could seemingly blow away in a gust of wind. I’m drained mentally, suffering emotionally, and continuing to grit my teeth with the physical shite. My social battery exploded last night after spending 5 hours at a friend’s eating snacks and playing Villainous. The 4 guys (The Boyfriend being one of them) and I had a blast, but the decibels with which some of the talking and the background music rose to caused me some distress and anxiety. It was difficult, but I endured it because I really was having a good time. The guys ended up declaring me the winner, since I was the closest to it by the time we needed to pack up and leave (much later than I wanted lol).

Anyway… this past week has been hellish on my emotions, some due to recovering from Florida, some from daily check-ins, and a LOT because of my own overthinking and gaslighting myself. I’ve had several appointments (therapy, meds, etc) and I’m reeling from having to change meds up again, dealing with additional/new pain, and feeling really depressed (this is constant, but intensity changes).

I’m losing ground mentally and emotionally. It felt like I was starting to gain some ground with the Trintellix (it’s at max mg now: 20), but Anhedonia is a whole bitch and her claws dig deep. So my psych added an anti-psychotic. Come to find out, it’s one I’ve tried previously and caused low level serotonin syndrome shite, thus rejected… but since I’m on different meds now, I plan to give it a go again and maybe it will help. Idfk. For now, I’m started on Tramadol for pain, and so far it does help, but I have to go through the weekly trial period for 3 weeks since I’m “opiate naïve” (lol, just means I haven’t been on them, thus don’t know how they will go). I have a back-up if this one doesn’t work out. Once I’ve gained a little time with pain meds, I’ll start Abilify (what I know as “aripiprazole”) and see how that goes.

Apathy hit me pretty hard the day before yesterday, too. Patience and hope suffer hard when that happens. The subsequent self-reflecting causes me to do a lot of debating inside myself about where I am in life and my relationship with The Boyfriend. I want so badly to have a loving, healthy relationship with him, but this addiction has caused SO much damage that – when I get this low – I find it extremely taxing to keep going, to keep wanting good things for myself. I question my worth.

So yeah… my apologies if this one feels all over the place, thus is my state of existence today. I plan to do some gaming or watch anime, maybe even shower, before going to Yoga/Trauma therapy. I could probly go back to bed for more sleep, too, but meh…