This bout with the meds and shit really screwed things up for me. Not shocking, it DOES happen, but fuck me is it frustrating. I hate it. Trying to find medicine to help me with pain (or “happiness”) is like finding needle in a haystack. And? Even if it works, the side effects are unbearable OR it stops working abruptly after a month or two. I think my brain hates me and is sabotaging my body?! Lol, what a dick, amiright?!

Thing is, my Smart Ring says I got just over 7 hours of sleep. I went to bed at like… 8:30pm, though. I’ve been up for half an hour and it’s only 5am. *internal screaming* Fuckin cats. But yeah, I do feel decent at the moment, as far as sleep went. Apparently, I woke up 3 times (pretty sure it was more). I can say that pain caused those 3 on the app results. This time it’s been my hips and thighs.

I postponed Yoga Trauma therapy to today as a result of all the other crap, but I’m looking forward to it. It helps relieve pressure in both mental/emotional and physical ways. I’m not able to do “normal” types of yoga poses, so I learn chair poses and stuff. I could be better at doing them at home, but yeah… 😅

Last night’s check-in with The Boyfriend was… a bit rough. I cried quite a bit (whaaat?!). The dynamic between us is unfair and unbalanced. I’m holding all the space for the relationship as a result of him needing time to work on his own stuff. I respect that, but it also means I don’t get a choice. If I want to continue with having a relationship (and I do), I have to hold that space and suffer alone for a while. I let him know about all these thoughts. And having taken sex off the table (his choice, not mine)… *shrug* I also suffer in that regard. I’m a woman – no means no – so I’m not about to try to cross THAT boundary. Doesn’t mean I like it, just means I’ll do my utmost to respect it. I also pointed out the results of that, in that he doesn’t kiss or hug or smack my ass as much any more. Those aren’t sexual things to me, they’re intimate… why did those have to disappear?!

I was exhausted by the end of all that and we watched The Princess Bride until it was late enough to get my ass in bed. Thankfully, he was amenable to it and did the cat boxes (ugh, I wanted to help, but was so tired). He also came in a bit later and kissed and hugged on me. It was nice. We’ll see if it sticks.