Went on morning “Walkies” with The Boyfriend. It’s just now 5am, but the weather was perfect. Caught a nice picture of the moon, starts, and I’m assuming a couple very bright planets. I don’t know much astronomy, but The BF said one is probably Jupiter. He’s a nerd (and I like that).

Yesterday evening wasn’t great for me. I was in a decent mood most of the day, but Art Therapy (which has transformed into CBT-Boundaries) was a bit triggering on the “abandonment issues” front and by the time I got home, my mood had fully tanked. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, attempting to garner some motivation or determination for any sort of activity… to no avail.

By the time The Boyfriend got home, I’d been listless on the couch for a good hour, crying on and off softly, attempting to take a nap. The tears came in force when he came to me and asked what was wrong. I didn’t want to say. He told me it was ok, I didn’t need to talk about it, and just held me while I cried for a little bit. I needed that.

I did eventually recover and get through a basic check-in.

I’m struggling hard with “letting go of expectations” and what I want to happen between us. I know a lot of it has to do with past trauma and whatnot, but ugh… I’m at the point where I’m tired of not being chosen, fought for, or appreciated for who I am (and it isn’t conceit to say that I think I’m a decent human… imperfect, but good).

So yeah… have to make it past all that and then whatever the next stage brings. Probably grief… *shrug*