Sometimes, mindless tasks help distract my brain from the overwhelming pressure and weight of my TRMDD/Anhedonia. Sunday night, everything bottomed out and I’ve been stuck cycling between Apathy, Numbness, and bouts of Dissociation (also coping mechanisms) for a solid 48 hours, as of last night. When it gets like this, I have zero motivation to do anything (like shower), take more/longer naps (epic fatigue), and eating becomes difficult (just chewing becomes a chore).

On the heels of actually feeling intermittent, tiny bits and pieces of positive things, the silver lining is that The Boyfriend inadvertently saved me from dropping into the Void of Despair, with a simple reassurance to wait a couple of weeks before determining that my medication stopped working… which is a thing that has happened many times in the past (hence the “treatment resistant” aspect of my MDD). With that, I am now in this more “neutral” zone. I’m not feeling the negative stuff… the dangerous depressy things.

And so, I basically force myself to do these mindless tasks like coloring, cross-stitch, and watching anime. I have one alarm that reminds me to eat at 9am, so I can take medications. Laying in my hammock and rocking while I stare off into space also helps. EMDR yesterday was, instead of deep-diving, used to regulate myself into the present and assess how things felt inside my body.

I can say that I’m grateful for the tools and people I have now. I didn’t have these before, so these severe drops used to be highly detrimental to me. This time… I’m utilizing logic and these tools to hold steady in this Neutral Zone. Only time will tell whether it sticks around or gets better.