12.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

Most “time management” problems are really just fear management problems.

Procrastination is merely the avoidance of unpleasant emotions.

Get comfortable with unpleasant emotions and procrastination takes care of itself.

What unpleasant emotions might you be avoiding in the things you’ve been putting off?

That one thing you’ve been procrastinating on? Accept the emotion you’re avoiding without judgment, and see if it makes starting easier. Let me know what happens.

I am a serial procrastinator and have been my whole life. I’m working on it, but it’s fuckin hard. I can agree that procrastination is the avoidance of unpleasant emotions. Getting comfortable with them, though? I mean, we avoid them for a reason, right? Not that that reason is a good one.

During my stay in Arkansas, I avoided doing my “Adult Function Report” for my Disability case. I’ve done it before and it’s a whole bitch. The uncomfortable emotions related to that are: self-loathing, guilt/shame, despair… and probly some other negative ones involved in how shitty it is that my health has slowly and inexorably declined to what it is today. I hate having to write about myself, especially in the light of how much shit I can’t do any more. It’s exhausting a depressing.

I finished it yesterday, because today was the day the legal team wanted that report. I probably didn’t do it the justice it deserved, either. Hopefully it was enough, but such is life. Even doing that report was difficult. I didn’t time myself, but I’m sure it took me over an hour to get it all done.

I can’t say that I completed the task of “accepting the emotions you’re avoiding without judgement” very well, because it was more of an “if I don’t do this, I won’t make progress on my case, so fuck it.” Ugh.

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13.0 – The Real Relationship You Can’t Live Without

Today, a thought experiment

Imagine this: You’re single. Forever.

Now imagine this: You have no friends. Forever.

Many of us misinterpret our need for strong friendships as a need for a romantic relationship.

You can be happy without a partner. You cannot be happy without friends.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

Do you prioritize romance over friendships? How can you give more attention to your friends?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Do something nice with or for a friend this week. Let me know how it goes.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net/

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As for how I’m doing…

I’m really glad to be home. I missed my bed, my cats, and yeah… I missed The Boyfriend. I enjoyed getting to spend so much time with Granny Sídhe, meeting GenGen, and what little time I was able to spend with The Son, but… I did not miss Arkansas in the slightest. I wish I could have brought my son home with me and given him more of a life he deserves, but… I really don’t want to be arrested for kidnapping.

In a couple hours, my mom and Aunt will be picking me up so I can sit at the hospital for the duration of my mom’s heart procedure. I had planned to attend Art Therapy (smack dab in the middle of her procedure), but she did her passive-aggressive thing with an “Aunt will have to make decisions since you won’t be there” text yesterday. Despite how annoying that was (seriously, just ask directly?!), I asked nicely if she would prefer I not go and she admitted she would prefer that, so I agreed and that’s that. I AM her Power of Attorney and it falls to me to make the hard decisions if anything goes wrong. Hopefully it all goes smoothly and I’ll be returned home afterwards with zero fanfare.

And yeah, I’m worried about the whole thing. My mom isn’t even close to as horrible of a person as my father (The Plague), but she does have her faults. We don’t have the “best” relationship, but it isn’t that bad. I do love her and I would die inside if I lost her. Also, I really want her to find lasting happiness for the remainder of her life, especially since she was able to take the leap and leave The Plague. She IS happier because of it, but… idk, I wish a really great man would appear out of the ether and sweep her off her feet, treat her how she should’ve been treated her whole life, ya know?

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I am also dealing with some triggering this morning. Since I haven’t done budget stuffs the entire week and a half I was in Arkansas, I decided I should probably get back on top of that. As such, I had to have a confirmation code sent to The Boyfriend’s email (on his PC) in order to log into our bank account from my PC again (too long not doing so?!). As I was getting the code from his email, I noticed an email from Reddit. I went back and typed the code in on my PC and back to his to see what that email was about. Most of the ones I’ve seen in the past have to do with gaming (like Valheim or whatever), but this one was different. Come to find out, it was from r/Tinder. My guts sank. If I’m not mistaken, when you visit a specific Reddit thread, it automatically starts to send email updates from that thread. I could be wrong. I clicked the link and it showed that he’d visited that thread recently (it was listed above 3 others, including r/Valheim).

And, in the interest of not procrastinating, I sent him a message about the logging in thing and the sus email/visit to r/Tinder.

He is claiming that he doesn’t recall visiting Reddit at all, which seems to be a theme when confronted with issues like this. Is it possible he could have clicked an “ill-advised link at some point” as he says? Maybe?! But where would that link have come from and why would it even exist in his purview?!

*le sigh*

Cue the struggle of trusting my instincts vs trusting his word (which has not been advisable for a long while).

Damnit…