I’ve recently become aware of a concerning pattern with regards to my mental health. I want to note that awareness (admittance?!) of an issue is the first stepping stone in healing/recovery. This isn’t just my opinion, either. Many programs and therapists and all that know that figuring out what the problem is and admitting it exists is the first step on that road.

All the same… Two of the more recent stressful events/situations that have happened in my life have given me a really big reason to look closer at how I’m reacting to stress. I’ve delved further into other, more major, stressful things as well, but for now… current events.

So, stressful thing happens, 2-3 days of anxiety and panic and all sorts of other not-so-great feels, then the dust settles and life continues on “normally”… except that I am doomed to hit the Void of Despair – either by plunging head first into that ice cold lake or slowly walking into it.

*big, deep sigh of UGH*

I discussed this awareness with The Boyfriend and he asked what could possibly be done to stop the descent into the Void… and I didn’t have an answer for him. It’s kinda like, “Have you tried NOT being depressed?!” and other funny ways we ask things. But this time… I honestly couldn’t say, because I legitimately JUST figured out that this is a thing, ya know?

And that’s a huge crux here, with my mental health overall. Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder with Anhedonia, plus Generalized Anxiety?! I’ve run the gambit of medications, some work for certain things, some don’t work at all, some cause major side effects, and… when I’m lucky and one actually starts to work? BAM. Gone. Like I’d never even started it. Do I need a pump that can directly feed dopamine/serotonin into my brain or something?! Not that I think that would work, either. Serotonin Syndrome is nothing to be trifled with, let me tell ya.

And you know what? I’m fucking tired. All the time. Brain tired, emotionally tired, physically tired… just tired in all ways and then some. Hell, even my eyes are tired. I want all of this to go away, but the only “decent” way to do that is to keep trying. I’m tired of trying, though. There’s only so much a person can do before every last shred of hope has been brutally obliterated.

So yeah… the struggle is real. And I might be one of the most strong, resilient people in the world (doubtful), but fucking shit, man… I need a break. Or a miracle. Maybe a nap?!