These last few days have been a conglomerate of sinking mood, worsening pain, one half-day headache, and ruminations about life in general.

Tuesday I had a really rough EMDR session, where we dug deep into my abandonment issues. I learned a lot, but it left me feeling completely drained. I took a nap immediately afterwards.

See… my abandonment issues don’t stem from being physically abandoned. Though, my mom’s neglect to save me and my brother and from our father could contribute to that. I realized that my childhood nickname of “Eeyore” (so given by my “family”) was an emotional abandonment that cut so deep, I still suffer from it to this day. Silence from someone else triggers me. Walking away during an argument triggers me. Ignoring me for an entire day triggers me.

All the same, I came to the conclusion that my extra sensitivity recently is due to the fact that “the body remembers” [trauma]. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of D-Day (Discovery Day) – of The Boyfriend’s addiction and subsequent Betrayal Trauma. Followed by 2 solid weeks of high stress despite pretending that everything was fine. And yes, this included Valentine’s Day.

I’m realizing that the next couple of weeks are probably going to be really difficult and I’d much rather not have to deal with it. But, it is what it is and I have to go through whatever comes. It’s a necessary evil, ya know?

I’m also fighting against hoping that he will actually plan something for Valentine’s Day, setting my expectations to Zero. It’s really hard. I want to feel like he cares.