I’ve been pretty tired and somewhat busy, but I’m back to talk about my last 2 Ketamine therapy sessions, to the best of my ability.

As I said in the last post, it is really difficult to accurately describe how they went.

For Thursday’s session, I changed the music to Tibetan singing bowls, figuring that this would be a calmer approach and I might be able to get some directed thought processes in.

LoL – I was wrong.

I will say that it was calmer in the way it felt, but the music really did drive the bus again. I brainstormed with my EMDR therapist and ChatGPT (based on a previous and lengthy discussion about Anhedonia and IFS – Internal Family Systems – therapy) beforehand, because I really wanted to be able to do some IFS work while in session. I remember that I tried a few times to connect with some parts of myself that I’d specifically worked with previously and with the intent to work with them this time, but… when you don’t “think” in words, it’s really difficult. And thus, I basically just had to take them along for the ride and experience, intentionally focusing on doing so several times.

I also want to make a solid attempt to describe the “body feel” of the experience, so bear with me and keep an open mind.

For the 2nd session, I had the same dosage as the 1st, but the initial injection started to wear off just slightly when they came to give me the second injection. It also wore off quicker in the end, but I digress. It takes about 5 minutes for it to start working, me thinks. My concept of time becomes completely irrelevant once it does start to work. I also gather my things and adjust myself for the experience, putting ear buds in and starting music, worry stone and stuffy in hands, mask on, water and call button accessible.

The first thing I start to feel is like my vision and brain are getting “fuzzy” (hence the mask, for me). No more word-focused thoughts and a kind of “mouth open, drooling” state? Except I’m not actually doing the mouth and drool stuff. This all starts fairly slowly, but the rest happens quickly. Next, my face goes numb. I know, because, even though I know my lips are there, it’s like they aren’t there. I guess one could liken it to the same effect as a dentist visit when they numb you and part of your face goes numb? Though it’s slightly less numbing, because I can lick my lips and feel that, it’s just really muted and weird. And apply this to the entire face. Then it travels all over my body. Everything goes numb, the pain and all other sensations go away completely. You “feel” really heavy, but also not. And as I said in last post, the only way I can feel anything is if I intentionally “move” a part of myself. Keep in mind that I’m wearing a blanket and have objects in both hands. I don’t feel anything except strictly with those focal points. So, when I move my right hand, I can feel the stuffy on the surface of my fingers and that’s it. Same with left and worry stone. And again, same with my feet, legs, and arms, if I move them at all, it is the blanket surface touching me that gives me any sensation. And all these sensational focal points are tingly and weird, like they’re detached from myself as a whole.

The one thing I’ve done some reading and consulting with ChatGPT on is the lack of visualizations. I guess it’s normal not to have them, but normal to have them, as well. In my case, with the 1st and 2nd sessions, I had absolutely zero. Like that dark space where I can only “sense” – whatever that even means because Ketamine engulfed – thoughts and stuff. ChatGPT explained this as what my brain really needed, which is a whole break from body and mind. It makes sense to me, given how much abuse and trauma I’ve been through and the fact that my brain has been stuck in “fight or flight” mode for decades.

And now we come to the 3rd session, which was yesterday. This time, I chose “Nature Sounds” as a background, instead of music. Basically just a forest type, with a gentle tree creaking noise, crickets, owls, and supposedly wolf howls (I may or may not have heard one or two of those). I’m sure there was more to it than that, but the crickets were the primary sound throughout. My dosage was upped by 10mg, split half and half with the two injections. A repeat of the 1st session with quickly getting “up there” with the first injection and staying after the second, plus the same sensations of numbing and whatnot.

However, I believe that the Nature Sounds are what made this one different. I was able to think in words this time, just not as much as when I’m completely conscious and going about a normal day. The thoughts were slow like how moving is slow – brain to movement/brain to thought, and I drifted off quite a lot, having to refocus and think with intention. I very much made a solid attempt to “note this for later” on some of the thoughts and processes I was having, but… concepts of time and all that have made remembering quite shoddy. The one solid thing I can remember thinking about was “intimate relations,” and getting a sense of euphoria about it? Question mark because what IS euphoria when you’re completely high on Ketamine?! Lol.

All the same, I came out of the session pretty loopy, the effects didn’t wear off until much later, after getting home, going out with The Boyfriend to eat, going to the grocery store, and coming home again.

I had intended to come home and take a whole ass nap, but… hunger was greater and since we were out, groceries needed gathering. I went to bed around 930p, I think, and slept fairly well. Totally had no idea the time change shite happened, so… here we are.

I’m not sure if these 3 sessions have bumped me up more than a step, which might just be the “relaxing break” thing my poor, traumatized brain needs. I accept that 3 sessions of this is necessary, but I also really want to get into some visualization stuff. Mostly, I’m open to whatever my brain truly needs to get to a place that’s calm and safe, even if that means every single future session goes the same as they have been. I know for a fact that they won’t just throw me to the wolves after this, so when all is said and done and I talk with Nate (idk what his official title is, but he’s the one that got all my pertinent info and set me up for Intake), I have the option of going back later for more sessions, as needed.

But today? Today is my Day Off All the Things. I decided to get this typed out and published, not sure what else I’ll do to entertain myself, but I’m pretty exhausted… despite having slept pretty well. Funny how brain-work stuff can do that to ya.