Every once in a while I will participate in the “daily prompt” that WordPress so graciously offers (if it intrigues me :P), but those are most likely going to be a short, sort of one-off entry to get my creative juices flowing. As such, I will most likely write a 2nd entry – provided I have the inspiration and desire, or already had an entry in mind. This is one such instance.

By now, you kinda know who The Plague is. One integral part of my healing journey regarding him has been “cathartically” writing, editing, revising, and – recently – printing a fairly long letter to him. The final goal is to put it in the mail, but I’m just… not there yet?! Decades of trauma, abuse, and ingrained/conditioned fear grip my entire being when I think about it. Logically, there’s no way he would find me, let alone make the effort to do so, but… traumatized brain doesn’t care.

Sooooo… I guess I’m going to take a pre-leap (?!) and post it here. Not that I have a huge audience or anything, but the idea of throwing such a deeply personal letter to my primary abuser out there into the vast void of the interwebs for literally anyone to read…

But… here goes nothin?! [identifying names will be changed/omitted]

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[His Name],

Sometimes, it can be difficult to start a letter off properly and maintain some semblance of “respect” for the receiver, especially if there is none to be given. The concept of respect was drilled into my head my entire life (by you) as “treating someone like an authority.” However, I have learned that this is blatantly false. I’ve come to realize and understand that respect is ACTUALLY “treating someone like a person.” I am fully aware that you regard respect as an authoritative means of control, and that this is simply the way YOU were taught growing up. Sadly, you were lied to and your concept of this is completely wrong. I’d like for you to ponder that for a minute. Embrace the idea that you, too, were not properly “treated as a person” and thus perpetuated that false cycle with your own children and wife. The end result is that now, not only have our separate views on what respect is clashed into each other, but you are working really hard on being completely alone. Based on your misconstrued, authoritative definition of respect, I no longer see you as an authority in my life. Alternatively, I believe almost every being in existence deserves to be treated with at least a modicum of respect, solely because they exist. And thus, it was extremely difficult for me to address you in any fashion other than your given name. I will make no apology, as that is the best I can do while still adhering to my newfound concept of respect. On another note, respect is EARNED, not given. You have not earned my true respect, in any fashion.

But I digress. I am assuming that you’re curious as to why I’m even writing you a letter. I could be wrong, of course, as I can’t read your mind, but… I’m running with that assumption all the same. I have to, for my own sanity. The purpose of this letter is for MY mental health, MY sanity. I don’t even have a shred of hope that anything I say here will make a whit of difference to who you are, how you think, and/or what you believe, let alone any sort of remorse or apology. It’s too late for any of that anyway. Granted, if it actually does makes a difference to any of that, then great. All the better, I suppose, but I honestly don’t care whether it does or not, because again – this isn’t FOR you, it’s for ME. I need to say my piece and I am wholly incapable of doing so face-to-face with you, but I’ll explain the why of that later on.

My other intention is to attempt to teach you what you were not taught growing up. I wish to impart truthful knowledge on you in the off chance you might actually learn something valuable, which might help you grow as a person, even at your age. Again, I have no hope of that occurring, but again, I HAVE to – for my own sake. I can’t move forward with my life until I’ve at least attempted to help you see reason, to show you the truth of everything – from my point of view. I am guessing that this might offend you, for who am I to come at you with any sort of knowledge to teach, hmm? Me, who has lived over two decades less than you, but who knows far more about how the world works, especially regarding interpersonal relationships. Consider this: [my son] is much younger than I am, and yet he has taught me a great many things. When given the chance, our children are absolutely the best teachers. They are meant to inspire us to be better people, to grow, and to learn. I find this highly ironic, as you never gave me and/or [brother] the opportunity to do so. I think that’s merely one area you’ve failed in as a “parent.”

I’d like to note that I can’t say how many attempts and revisions at writing a letter specifically to give you I’ve done. I’ve written hundreds of cathartic letters to you in the past, except none of those were meant to be seen by anyone but me. This time, I am writing with full intent for you to read, even though I don’t care if you do or not. I wrote the first “draft” (per se) about 2 weeks prior to the day mom left you, but since I was privy to your conversation with her that same day, I decided that I needed to revise the contents. I have a LOT to say, even though my therapist advised me to keep it short. That will prove to be extremely difficult.

Since I believe you have no idea what the difference between “discipline” and “abuse” is, I will now provide you with information from reliable resources, so that you can learn that there IS a difference – and it is significant. I am going to highlight a lot of key points, so pay close attention. I’d also like you to keep in mind that every bit of this educational wisdom applies as much to YOU and how you were raised, as it does to me and [brother] and how you raised us. I recommend reading this info through once and applying it to your own childhood, then reading it again and applying it to mine and [brother]’s childhoods – this way you can not only come to understand that not only were YOU abused, but you perpetuated that abuse by doing the exact same thing that was done to you.

The Difference Between Discipline and Abuse

The key to separating discipline from child abuse is to look at it from the perspective of teaching, not punishing. It’s when parents start to employ the latter that the potential for harm to the child starts to become a possibility. Parents must be able to identify the thin line that exists between discipline and child abuse. To do that, you must first understand what abuse is and the different types that can harm your child.

The Mayo Clinic defines child abuse as any intentional harm or mistreatment to a child under 18 years old. Furthermore, child abuse can take several forms, which can often occur at the same time. (I have omitted the ones that do not apply to me and [brother])

• Physical abuse: Physical abuse occurs when a child experiences physical injuries inflicted intentionally to harm.
• Emotional abuse: Emotional abuse refers to any harm caused to a child’s self-esteem.
• Neglect: Child neglect is also a form of abuse where a parent fails to meet a child’s basic physical and emotional needs.

Discipline is not something that can be achieved through harsh words, punishment or spanking. While it may provide you with short term results, in the long run, it may take on a form of abuse, affecting a child’s physical and mental health. Discipline, therefore, is all about teaching rules and regulations to kids and following up on the consequences. Abuse on the other hand is when you cross limits to get your way, hurt someone so much that it leads to severe physical, psychological or emotional damage.

Rather than losing your patience and adhering to negative parenting strategies, take time out to sit back and reflect. Children are innocent and have no intention to hurt. All they want is someone to listen to them and their problems.

What is Trauma?

But, because I feel I’ve said enough at this point, I’ll try to get on with it… take a good long look at yourself and your own behavior. The only person you have to blame for ANY of this is yourself. You had the audacity to blame me and [brother] for mom leaving you. And you know what? I’ll accept that blame – in part. The only way [brother] could be blamed is because of his stint with trying to get sober and not showing up to the therapy session he promised he would go to with me. This caused me to invite mom to go – which is where my responsibility would land. My therapist, bless him, convinced her in ONE HOUR what I’d been trying to do for decades… to leave your sorry, abusive ass and do so as quickly and quietly as possible. Hell, I heard you even tried to blame [Grannie Sídhe] for mom leaving?! Haha. Taking a page out of [Gravity]’s book, huh? Fucking ridiculous. Seriously.

SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) describes individual trauma as an event or circumstance resulting in:

• physical harm
• emotional harm
• and/or life-threatening harm

The event or circumstance has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s:

• mental health
• physical health
• emotional health
• social well-being
• and/or spiritual well-being

Who is Affected by Trauma?

Trauma has no boundaries regarding age, gender, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. Trauma is a common experience for adults
and children in American communities, and it is especially common in the lives of people with mental and substance use disorders. For this reason, the need to address trauma is increasingly seen as an important part of effective behavioral health care and an integral part of the healing and recovery process.
Childhood trauma physically damages the brain by triggering toxic stress. Strong, frequent, and prolonged, toxic stress rewires several parts of the brain, altering their activity and influence over emotions and the body.

Effects of Trauma – Including the Brain

Research has shown that traumatic experiences are associated with both behavioral health and chronic physical health conditions, especially those traumatic events that occur during childhood. Substance use, mental health conditions, and other risky behaviors have been linked with traumatic experiences. Because these behavioral health concerns can present challenges in relationships, careers, and other aspects of life, it is important to understand the nature and impact of trauma, and to explore healing. Anyone suffering from emotional trauma or PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) may exhibit emotional scars for months, years, or even for the rest of their life. They often exhibit heightened fear and stress to situations and events. Many people wonder, “Can emotional trauma cause brain damage?” Studies have shown that PTSD actually does affect the functions of the brains in multiple ways. The effects of trauma on the brain impact three areas of the brain that are impacted the most are the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. These areas all play a part in regulating emotions and responding to fear. After emotional trauma and with PTSD, these areas may perform and function differently than before.

How Trauma Changes the Brain

When trauma such as PTSD is inflicted, lasting changes within the key brain can be created. Traumatic stress is typically associated with an increased cortisol and norepinephrine level in response to the cause of the stress. Traumas like physical and emotional trauma often lead to PTSD which on average, affects roughly 8% of Americans. PTSD can typically be a lifelong problem for most people, resulting in severe brain damage.

When you reach this point, I reiterate that you read it once for yourself and once for your children. I vehemently insist that you do this so that you can see the truth with exact precision. Take the time to compare how you were brought up and how you brought us up. The similarities are excruciatingly obvious, at least to me. I can only piece together an assumption of how you were treated based on what I’ve heard from others and witnessing/receiving Ike’s abuse first-hand. I’m pretty confident that you experienced a LOT of abuse, and yes, this damaged YOUR brain and turned you into the person you are today.

Now then, I want to ask you a couple questions designed to get you to think about your past and further compare your childhood with mine and [brother]’s. Do you remember how you were treated growing up? Do you remember how it felt to live in constant fear? Now that you have read what abuse truly is and how it damages the brain, do you SEE what was done to YOU and what YOU have done to YOUR children?

[Brother] has ADHD – a direct result of repeated childhood abuse that physically damages the brain. He also became an addict – not just with alcohol – because of that brain damage and the inability to regulate his emotions. He has struggled with these things and will continue to struggle with them the rest of his life. I don’t pity my brother, but I definitely wish he’d never chosen to move in with you, let alone [his wife]. He was doing so well before that. Have you noticed? He did great at the beginning, getting a lot of things done and staying sober, but then what happened? You’d have to look at YOUR behavior to find the cause of his struggles.

As for me? Well… I have an entire laundry list of diagnoses now, physical and mental, because of the damage YOU caused to MY brain as early as 6 months old, and perpetuated the entirety of my growing life. To name a few: cPTSD, treatment resistant Major Depressive Disorder, suicidal ideation, anxiety, Anhedonia, and ALL of the chronic physical issues I have. I, too, have struggled and will continue to struggle with all of this my entire life, because of the abuse YOU inflicted and perpetuated.

All of these repeated, abusive, traumatic experiences YOU inflicted on us literally gave both of your children horrible disadvantages in life. YOU are the reason that we are so broken today. YOU legitimately damaged both of your children’s brains. YOU. And now, both [brother] and I have to endure these disadvantages and struggle even harder in life to overcome challenges that a normal person would be able to accomplish fairly easily. And AGAIN – now you can see that the struggles YOU have are a direct result of the abuse YOU endured. But, comparatively, I’m more of an emotionally mature human than you. It’s laughable, honestly.

But let me tell you, all of this shit has fucking sucked. I have lived in abject FEAR of you (and any other perceived authority) my entire life – to this very day. I can’t even confront NORMAL people without having a cPTSD reaction, let alone YOU! I lost my career at [Company] because my boss yelled at me every single day for a solid three weeks – I couldn’t even speak when it was happening. I give myself a little credit for enduring it for 3 damn weeks, of course, but my breaking point finally happened and I left that life-long career behind because I literally could not stand up for myself. All I could do was sit there in fear and silence until it was over with, and then bawl my eyes out after he left. And yes, I absolutely lay the blame of that on YOU. Do you remember “family meetings?” Hours on end of listening to you scream and belittle me and [brother] for literally just being CHILDREN and then being sent to our rooms where you would use your full strength to beat the shit out of us with your belt?! Yeah. Utter abuse, not a single “teaching” moment in any abusive event I could list off (and there were too many to even count).

So then… will it shock you to know that I have harbored deep hatred and resentment for you my entire life?! Because I have and I still do. I was 8 years old when I started violently beating one of my cats, but you know what happened? I fucking stopped. At 8-fucking-years-old, I realized that I was doing exactly what you had been doing to me, my brother, and the numerous animals we had up to that point. It broke my TOO YOUNG heart and soul into a million pieces. And I vowed in that moment, through a torrent of sobbing tears, to NEVER be angry like you, to NEVER treat others the way you had been treating us. I’ve grown up to be a loving, kind, compassionate, and empathetic human being because of the absolute SHIT example you gave me. I have and will continue to be a person with all of these phenomenal qualities. I refused to perpetuate the abuse I endured. I refused to damage MY son the way you damaged me.

I will divulge a revelation I had recently, too. That vow I made at 8 years old? While I am minimally grateful to you for teaching me what NOT to be, I am deeply disappointed that you forced me to believe that anger in and of itself was inherently bad. All these years, just past 4 decades, I have stuffed ALL of my anger, believing that being angry in ANY way was intolerable. And yet, here I am, a 42 year old ADULT, realizing that anger is neutral – neither good nor bad whatsoever. That I actually CAN get angry, and NOT harm others with it. That’s the crux! When anger is used to hurt others – it is wrong. When it is used righteously and respectfully – it is correct.

So, what do you consider to be “family”? Relations by blood/marriage? If so, you are dead wrong. The true definition of family is this: “Someone that CONSISTENTLY treats you with love, care, and respect.” By that accurate and factual definition, you are NOT family to me (or my son) and haven’t been for a VERY long time. Unfortunately, I was not able to extricate myself and [my son] from underneath your horrendous cloud of abuse until the day we left and moved in with [ex-friend]. I truly wish I’d had the ability to do that SO much sooner than that. But my declining health (which started with you) has rendered me incapable of even holding a job, and you can’t really get anywhere without money. Such is life, eh?

Oh, and one final thing… what you said to mom over the phone the day she left you, about your “health problems” being why you’ve had a “bad attitude” and only “lately”?! HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, no. Fuck. That. That is a mountainous pile of bullshit. You’ve had these explosive anger issues, at the very least, MY entire life. Your “recent health problems” are merely an excuse to not accept responsibility for your shitty ass behavior and solely made those issues you’ve had for as long as I can remember far worse. You are a grown ass adult and have been for several decades and you’ve had those DECADES to see exactly what your abuse was doing and to change. It is high time that you accept responsibility for the damage you’ve done to THREE human beings – me, [brother], and mom.

Not that I believe you’ll listen or care, but… the best thing you can do at this point is accept responsibility for your toxic behavior and strive to be a better fucking human. I hope for [brother]’s sake that you accomplish this, because – even though he was delusional at the beginning because he hadn’t been around to see who you really are, and probably still can’t believe what happened to us as kids was outright abuse – I still love him and wish him and [his wife] the most happiness in life. You? I have no more fucks. The only hope I have now is that you live the rest of your miserable life knowing that YOU are the sole reason mom and I (and someday [brother]) left. YOU are the cause of all of our suffering. And with that, you are dead to me and I want nothing to do with you for the rest of MY life. You don’t deserve a single drop of respect, let alone the title of “father” and I’m grateful that a GOOD man came along and offered me the biggest opportunity of my life – to move out of that forsaken state and take care of me, every broken piece.

Goodbye Forever,

[My first name]

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And on that note… thank you so much for reading. I’m going to go scrub the ick out of my brain now… *le sigh*