In my last post, I talked about trauma, what it is, the types, and examples of most of what I’ve had to endure on that front.

Today – even though I have a couple other things I REALLY want to get off my chest (and maybe I will later?!) – I will divulge how all the traumas I’ve been through have shaped me into the person I am today. As the title states, there’s good, bad, and UGLY in all that mess. But… I’ve worked my ASS off (and still do!) to be someone that I should’ve had growing up. I can’t say I fully “love” who I am, but that’s only because I believe that there’s always room for improvement and growth. Nobody is perfect, not even me. But I strive to be the best version of myself that I can be, every single day. The struggle is hard sometimes, but I think I’m a pretty decent human?!

Aaaanyhoozle… the entirety of my childhood was fraught with traumatic bullshit. My brother and I were abused in every way but sexually (gratitude for that, I guess?!). He was diagnosed with ADHD, but my mom refused to put him on Ritalin. Me? *shrug* I mentioned in a previous post that my nickname growing up was “Eeyore.” Never mind that a young child was clearly exhibiting signs of depression, Inattentive ADHD, and a wholly unhealthy fear of her “father.”

For whatever reason, I carried an innate rebellious nature deep inside myself. I NEVER went along with the crowd, participated in trends of any kind, or tried to fit in. I wanted to be different and unique from a VERY early age. I wanted to escape into the land of Xanth, surrounded by puns (yeah, yeah… I’m weird) while listening to my sizeable collection of Classical music CD’s. And really, I DID escape there, every time I cracked one of Piers Anthony’s books open. I drowned myself in it, tbh.

Aaaaand I squirreled again. Sorry!

I vowed around 8 or 9 that I did NOT want to be like The Plague… ever. I fully believe that this is a really good thing to vow, despite it being at such a young age and the consequences that would manifest from that. The Plague was placed on a crumbling pedestal as my example of who not to be, how not to behave. He was both my Primary Abuser AND the cornerstone with which I based the rest of my life’s morals and values on. But wait… weren’t you raised Christian?! Why yes. Yes I was. And you know what I learned from that? Hypocrisy. Not in myself, mind you, but in the vast majority of people I encountered along my way. If you didn’t dress well, have good manners constantly, obey every rule and command given by your parents and church leaders, participate in ALL the church functions, etc. etc. etc… you were seen and treated as “less than.” And boy, did I rebel against the teachings of the Bible (which I have read cover-to-cover at LEAST twice) and the bullshit spewed at me by “leaders” in the church. I questioned eeeeeverythiiiing. They weren’t too happy about that, let me tell ya. 😛

All the same, the toxic and traumatic abuse by The Plague, neglect from my Mom, and the hypocritical bullshit from the church… gave me cPTSD, Inattentive ADHD, and [good ole regular] Depression. Authority figures were not revered, they were feared. Confrontation?! The absolute BANE of my existence. To this day, I can’t handle anyone raising their voices at me (and sometimes at anyone else). I was thrown into Survival Mode very early on and stayed there my entire life. In fact, I’m still there, just not as frequently now. And that’s NEW to me, honestly. It’s been less than a year that I’ve even felt “safe” enough to allow myself time to breathe and relax – which I have to do INTENTIONALLY.

But that isn’t the whole enchilada (hehe). Those things I gained were the mere foundation for future encounters with toxicity, abuse, and trauma – all of which have stacked themselves on top of said foundation and built an entire skyscraper of diagnoses, physical and mental.

Then… Gravity happened. We dated for a year, I moved away to Kansas City, dated the Catholic Cowboy (ugh, lol), got appendicitis/surgery, was cared for by my roommate Kim, found HER dead later on, moved twice with the CC, did my 2 month stint in Colorado (where I met the current Boyfriend), went back to KC, and eventually had Gravity come rescue me. We moved in together, got pregnant, married, had our son, got a house… and then, at 2.5 years old, my son was diagnosed with autism. To say that this diagnosis ruined my marriage is… only partly right?! I suffered a huge blow mentally and was on meds for an entire year (they DID help), but… Gravity was already a Narcissistic Asshole by then. I’m fairly certain he was cheating on me with some chick he “dated” when I was away in KC, but… back then you could delete your entire text history easy-peasy, so… I wasn’t ever able to confirm that.

I feel like I’m rambling, at this point. I apologize. I went to bed pretty pissed last night and woke up with that same salty attitude. It hasn’t gone away, so I’m struggling to keep myself on track. There’s a whole other thing going on in my life that’s taken precedence over almost everything else, and it involves the Betrayal Trauma I mentioned in yesterday’s entry. That’s what I REALLY want to write about today, but… I felt obligated to “finish” what I started and talk about all the diagnoses I have now, due to ALL the trauma.

Guess I’ll just list all my diagnoses (that I can remember right now) and be done with it. I feel like I’m doing a disservice by not being fully able to stay on topic.

Mental:

• Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
• Anhedonia
• Anxiety
• (c)PTSD
• [undiagnosed] ADHD
• [proposed but undiagnosed] Borderline Personality Disorder

Physical

• Lumbar Radiculitis and other shit from L2-S1 (too much to list)
• Meralgia Paresthetica in both legs
• Pudendal Neuralgia (bladder/bowel/sexual function issues)
• Cervical shit from C2-C7 (too much to list)
• Both knees have “suprapatellar fat pad impingement” (heh, sounds funneh)

All of these things, plus other pains and issues that have not been diagnosed, have rendered me disabled – unable to work. I’m currently awaiting “appeal” things for Disability, but… given the state of affairs politically, I’m not real hopeful that will work out in my favor. Hell, if I lose my Medicaid, I’ll be straight up fucked.

Anyway… sorry it’s all scattered and not that great of writing today. If I manage to gain any clarity of mind, I might try again later. If not… tomorrow is a new day?!