This is a bit of a tough one, because it can mean a plethora of things to each one of the billions of people on this fucked up planet. But, of course, the ask is for what it means to ME…

And theeeeeen… my ADHD brain wants to categorize all the different “types” of freedom there are… political, personal, economic, social… and use ALL the freedom GIFs that make me giggle… OMG!

Oh, hi! Welcome back to our regularly scheduled program. Please pardon the interruption. Brain.exe was experiencing some technical difficulties… now, where was I?!

Ah yes… Freedom. Given the amount of trauma and shite I’ve experienced in my life, the slow decline of my physical health, and the chronic struggles with my mental health – Freedom has Transmutated (heh, anime nerd – FMA) numerous times in my 43 years.

When I was a child, Freedom was an escape into the fantasy novels of Xanth written by Piers Anthony or Westerns by Louie L’Amour. It was going out into the woods on our 15 acres and beyond to pretend I was literally anyone and anywhere besides the shitty reality I needed to escape from. I had a VIVID imagination. Freedom was being allowed to spend the night at my best friend’s house, away from my Primary Abuser (“The Plague” – my biological father). It was also the summers I got to spend in Colorado with my grandparents, aunt/uncle and cousins.

As an “adult” (legally 18), Freedom was moving away for college, living with my high school best friend, and being wholly independent and finally escaping the clutches of religion and my abuser. It didn’t last very long, though, as things go sometimes. My best friend chose her boyfriend over me, I was booted from our home, homeless for 3 days… until I finally caved, moving back in with my parents.

Fast forward to being married to a Narcissist? Freedom meant escaping from THAT asshat (nicknamed Gravity). 7 official years of shite, the last year in separation and – you might guess – living with my parents again. This time with my son in tow. I did eventually get my own place.

And another toxic relationship… The Dementor. We dated for 4 years, I broke it off, and we continued being Friends With Benefits for another 5 years. Freedom in THIS instance meant completely breaking my codependence on him… resulting in a mental break and the subsequent Anhedonia I struggle with to this day.

And then there’s The Boyfriend (current relationship). Freedom here was having him completely rescue me from Arkansas, moving me across the country to where I am now – Colorado. He legitimately saved my life. And the Freedom I have now means I am completely free of The Plague… although, for some reason I changed his contact info in my phone TO “The Plague” and never got around to actually blocking his number?! Discovered this gem just a couple days ago on my birthday, when he texted: “Happy Birthday young lady”…

Listen… if this is your first read of my blog… it’s totally ok that you might be confused as to why this is such a big deal for me. It’s been almost an entire year since I last spoke to or saw him – for very valid reasons. I have not heard the words “I love you” once from that man. If there are any “good” deeds or otherwise that he’s done for me over the years (if I even cared to try and count), they’d number less than the digits I have on one hand.

He’s blocked now. The last piece of THIS Freedom is actually mailing the lengthy “cathartic” (edited half a dozen times) letter that I finally printed out for him (because therapy). I posted it to my blog as a way of honing the courage I need to actually send it off in person. He scares me THAT much. Just talking about it gives me anxiety.

But I digress…

Freedom for me right now means… being able to feel some sense of contentment in any given moment. This requires a lot of conscious effort on my part and is generally exhausting as fuck. But I have multiple therapy modalities in play and they are helping me learn and practice these things in various ways.

So I guess in finality… Freedom means being at peace in my own mind, no matter what’s happening outside myself. 💖