I feel like I’m living an entirely different life/reality than I was a year ago. In fact, the war between “Omg, it’s been a year already?!” and “It feels like it’s been much longer than just a year!” hits me simultaneously in moments of reflection like I’m having today. It’s so hard to believe that I’ve been dating The Boyfriend for a whole year, but also – because I’ve been through so much already – it feels like I’ve experienced several years.

There are some glaring differences in who I was when I lived in Arkansas and who I am now, having experienced a year dating The Boyfriend, and not quite a year living with him in Colorado.

However, my main focus today is the difference between the Stress I had back then and the Stresses I have had since moving in. Once in a while, this heavy topic hits me square in the brain and I can’t help but compare my “old life” with my “new life.”

For a long time, in Arkansas, my biggest Stresses were raising a special needs kiddo on my own, the constant hypervigilance survival-mode living under The Plague’s roof, the eventual escape to Darryl’s with The Son and facing homelessness at the end of that friendship (it really did die long before he skipped out physically), the toxic relationships regarding Gravity and The Dementor, and my inexorably declining mental and physical health. However, I was in constant “mom” mode for nearly 2 decades and that took priority over literally everything else. That Stress alone occupied me constantly. I didn’t know who to be outside of that.

Side Note: Don’t get me wrong after this because I love The Son unconditionally. When he chose to stay with his father (Gravity) in Arkansas… I was heartbroken beyond belief and missed him terribly, even before I moved (he moved in with Gravity a little while before I left). This scenario would have gone wildly different if The Boyfriend hadn’t been involved. In fact, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing right now, that’s how bad it had gotten. I would not have survived. Hard truth right there.

Upon moving to Colorado, I got a taste of freedom I had never experienced before. I didn’t have the added burden of taking care of The Son, I had deftly escaped the clutches of The Plague (finally!), and my basic needs were being met (exceeded, really)… so the only real thing I needed to take care of was myself, the 3 + 1 cats, and this burgeoning relationship with The Boyfriend. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself beyond getting Medicaid and established with healthcare providers. I did throw myself into that, but because Colorado is FAR better than Arkansas, the process was so damn easy and quick that it didn’t take much of my time to accomplish and I was left to my own devices. That’s grown into having multiple appointments for myself throughout the week, though. So… I AM busy (by MY standards, lol) and it’s pretty overwhelming sometimes.

I will say that the relief I felt at not having to take care of The Son – and all that entailed (quite a lot) was massively guilt-inducing. It took me a good 2 months (and therapy) to justify that it was “ok” to feel that way. The after-effects of that were all the “firsts” I was having without him. Halloween (our favorite together), Thanksgiving, Xmas, his birthday, Easter, my birthday, Mother’s Day… and more to come. I hates it. I miss him SO fucking much.

So here we are now. I went from being a toxically abused and hypervigilant daughter, stressed-out single mom to a special needs kiddo, constantly bothered ex to a Narcissistic Twat-Faced Asshat, and a growing burden on society… to “just” a girlfriend and cat-mom. It was quite a glorious 2 months, honestly. Despite my mental and physical health issues, I can say that I truly had hope that my life had taken a turn for the better.

Unfortunately… it didn’t last. And yeah, I’ve already blogged about this part once or twice, but for posterity – The Boyfriend did a complete 180, dropping me like a hot rock (if you will). Aaaaand AALLLLL the trauma of choosing shit men came flooding back. Months upon months of epic self-loathing, fights, pleas for answers, and wondering what the fuck I did wrong… yeah. To say that I’d replaced my “past life” stress with “new life” stress is an understatement.

I can’t emphasize enough that the months of feeling like a worthless piece of shit that didn’t deserve any amount of happiness is what makes me feel like I’ve lived and experienced years with The Boyfriend instead of barely one. On top of that, the discovery of his addiction and the (yay, brand new and never before experienced) Betrayal Trauma it induced? Pfft. Shit.

Buuuuut… I digress 😛

So yeah… Sundays? Those are MY days. I do absolutely nothing I don’t want to do. The only real obligation required of me is cat-swapping. Outside of that, I don’t take phone calls, I don’t make plans, I definitely don’t (can’t) leave the house, and I spend the entire day doing whatever suits my fancy. It is my day to unwind from The Boyfriend (his first day of work in the week), disconnect from ALL obligations (like “family” and therapy and other appointments), and de-stress myself to the max. I eat, watch anime, take a nap (outside in my hammock if it’s nice enough), shower (if I feel like it), play video games, and/or do some art stuffs. Of course, I’ll converse with The Boyfriend, if he initiates it. I’ll even message with other people if they initiate, but sometimes I choose not to respond and I’m ok with that.

And theeeeen, when The Boyfriend gets home from work… daily check-in happens. Outside of that, we just eat dinner (sometimes) and veg out on a show until bed time.

I feel a bit like I’ve rambled again, but C’est la Vie. It’s Sunday and I do what I want!