Well, the Thing has started. I’m feckin exhausted and got a bit frustrated with myself yesterday. I struggled to find a balance between speaking my mind about a thing that upset me (vulnerability – good) and keeping it shut to save peace (stuffing it – bad).

Suffice it to say, I did not handle the vulnerability aspect very well in the moment. I approached it with some resentment and that came out a little accusatory, “Look at me, not over there [at that woman]”… as such The Boyfriend’s reaction was confusion – which I took as, “Are you fuckin stupid?!” 😅 In my defense, I was sleep-deprived and my natural HyperVigilance (born from cPTSD) took over. Not excusing it, though. I thought it over and started getting emotional when I told The Boyfriend that I changed my mind, he could look at whoever he wanted.

Now, because I haven’t divulged specifics about The Boyfriend’s addiction, this would seem to be a significant failing on my part – given how the “jealousy” and lack of self-esteem presented itself. I get it and I’m ok with the misunderstanding. It’s natural when you don’t have all the facts. As an aside – this is a NEW thing for me. The addiction and subsequent Betrayal Trauma it caused is why these new things have come up for me. I’ve never been the jealous type and, even though my self-esteem has been shit for a while, this level is different.

Anyway, things calmed down and I was too tired to dwell on it. We spent time doing the relaxing and socializing, and when we finally went to bed – we had a really phenomenal check-in. The Boyfriend brought up the earlier incident, and I explained my dumbness and the truth about not violating his autonomy (can’t make him not look at other people). He was very understanding and supportive.

I admit… it was weird – but not bad!

We got through it, giggling and talking. I felt much better by the end of that and we both passed out. So yeah.

Now I’m here, awake before everyone else and blogging, hahaha. 🙃

It’s Comet’s fault. She started this weird early morning routine of waking me up at the taint of dawn. Ugh.