When I was a little girl in Seattle, WA, I had some BIG admiration for Mighty Mouse (*sings* Here I come to save the daaaay!). I wouldn’t call it a crush, given how smol I was (like 4-ish?!). I doubt anyone that age really understands the dynamics of it. However, I believe this was the first time I’d ever had intense feelings about “someone else” – even if he was a fictional character. He was strong, brave, and fought against evil (especially for the underdog types!).

After moving to Arkansas and being introduced to Disney movies (The Little Mermaid, Beauty and The Beast, Aladdin, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty – to name a few), it didn’t take me long to figure out that the predictable trope that Disney Princess always gets saved by a Prince or some Knight in Shining Armor (*gag*) and they live “Happily Ever After” was some utter bullshit. I never bought into all that, probably because of the toxic abuse I was enduring at the hands of The Plague.

Honestly, I enjoyed the original Star Wars trilogy (on VHS, no less :P) and Ninja Turtles more. Then again, I read books more than I ever watched TV or movies. My favorites were the Xanth novels by Piers Anthony and Louis L’Amour Westerns. I HAVE some Romance Novels, but that got old real quick and I avoid them completely because they’re worse at being the same-old-bullshit-story than the Disney Princess movies of old, imho.

I used to enjoy romantic types of movies and shows… to a certain degree. I suppose I harbored some hope back then that I’d meet “The One” and live happily ever after. Divorcing a Narcissist like Gravity, having my heart broken again by an off-and-on love of 2 years, and finally a 9 year stint (split 4 dating, 5 as FWB) with another Narcissist (The Dementor) can have that effect. That hope is pretty well gone, now, unfortunately. So, when I watch a new-to-me movie (such as “The Intern”) and a romantic aspect hits me in the feels?! I cry…

I cry because I’m 43 years old now and I have yet to feel like I’m in a relationship where I’m cherished and loved, valued as a priority in someone’s life. I truly thought, for a brief 2 months at the beginning with The Boyfriend, that I’d hit the boyfriend jackpot and was starting a whole new and beautiful chapter of my life with a really great man. I desperately believed and hoped that I’d found someone I could spend the rest of my life with… until that ended abruptly in October of last year.

*le sigh* And yes, we’re still together. There are good times, of course, I DO love him very much. He’s working so hard to face his addiction and overcome it (and therapy!). That’s 10x more than I could say about literally anyone else I’ve ever had a relationship with, but… it’s so hard. I have to believe that he does love me, or I’ll shatter. It’s difficult to believe because of the all damage he’s caused (Betrayal Trauma, etc), how slow everything is going, and my severe lack of self-worth (not to mention my past traumas and current state of existing). It’s also grueling having to endure all of this without having my own emotional needs met by The Boyfriend. I have to keep giving more than I have to make it through every single day. Patience, understanding, compassion, respect, loyalty, honesty, deep love (and more)… all the things I wish I could have in return, in the ways I will feel the most.

I have to hold on to the fact that I fell so fast and hard for him for a reason. I saw the potential (yeah, yeah, that shit… yet again) he had, the little bit he showed me early on. And I continue to hold on because he’s showing me what a great man he is – deep down – even if it’s SO much slower than I want and despite how much pain I’ve endured. I have my own things to work on, of course, and I’m trying my best to do that with minimal support, until the days he’s able to give me the support and love I believe he’s capable of.

Until then… I’ll keep trying and giving. And going to lots of therapy.