Yeah, I enjoyed Harry Potter. Can’t say I’m a fan of the author, but… this isn’t about HP. It’s – yet another – “nickname” scenario.

I met Isaac (The Dementor) in May of 2013, shortly after I’d been fired from the apartment management job (See Here). A friend of mine had set me up to interview with some dude that was opening a new pizza joint on the square. My first day, I walked into the building mid-remodel and back toward the kitchen. A guy poked his head around the corner and BAM – fuuuuuck, I’m a sucker for blue eyes. Hook. Line. Sinker. Instant crush.

Needless to say… ya know what? Side Bar. The fuck does “needless to say” even mean? If it’s needless, then why say it? English sucks.

DIGRESSING!

So we started hanging out. The first time I spent the night at his place (which was a place with his friend and our coworker Cory, his wife, and 2 kids) – things happened (*wink wink*). That place was a dump, but I’ve been in worse. Anyway, thus started our “dating” I guess. At some point, he told me not to expect much because he was “an asshole.” I shrugged that off, of course, because why would I EVER believe something a man told me straight to my face?! Oh, because I’m an idiot, that’s why. LOL

A month or so into that, we were on a group motorcycle ride, where a friend of mine was hit right in front of us and – tragically – died in his wife’s arms in the ditch (mentioned here). Sorry, I still get flashbacks. At some point I’ll talk more about that, but not today.

I would say that this is where we were “trauma bonded.” That term has dual meaning, but at that time… it was the traumatic event that started it. Some time after, he and Cory had a MAJOR falling out and I moved him in with me at my place (that I shared with a friend). The Son was also in Gravity’s care at that time (I was still trying to recover from the previous job, etc). And not long after THAT, he and I got our own place together and I got The Son back.

As with most relationships, we had our ups and downs. I don’t think it was really horrible until I started wanting him to slow down on his pot usage, which caused a HUGE argument. We broke up and he moved back to The Farm (Missouri) with his mother and step-father. This is also when I encountered… ugh, damn, these memories are so fucking hard. I can’t even say his name. Suffice it to say, this “friend” turned out to be a manipulative asshole. The end of that was when he threatened to leave The Son at home alone because I was at work after picking up my motorcycle, and he was jealous that I’d HUGGED Darryl. He had some grand delusions about our relationship (which was JUST friendship). There was SO much with all that. He is Person #3 on my Most Hated list. All of that was in 3 months.

Anyway, this made me reach out to The Dementor, we talked fondly and I eventually moved to The Farm. The Son and I were there for about 2 years when the step-father decided that we all needed to be kicked out. Drunk ass moron. So, fuck him and fuck all that, I pulled up the big girl panties and got all 3 of us moved back to Arkansas and in with my parents. Oh, and Gravity had just moved out of there (yes, MY parents’ house) recently, too.

Now, during all this time in Missouri, not only was I raising a special needs kid, but I was trying to work things out with The Dementor to the betterment of our relationship. *le sigh* I was frequently reminded that I was told from the beginning that he was an asshole… as if that excuses any and all shitty ass behaviors or words, yeah?! I was deeply unhappy and codependent on The Dementor. Some months after we moved to Arkansas, I broke up with him. Within 24 hours he treated me like we’d never had 4 years of a relationship together.

I moved myself into the large den and let him keep the bedroom space, because he wasn’t going to be able to move back to The Farm. He lived there with all of us for about a year, until his mother left his step-father and they moved back to some Podunk town in Oklahoma. During that year, I sacrificed a lot of myself to try and keep him around. We became “Friends with Benefits.” I also discovered some truly disturbing beliefs he harbored. During a heated discussion, he revealed that he was ALL for equality… meaning: If a man and woman get pregnant and the man wants the baby, the man should have every right to force her to keep the pregnancy, give birth, sign over rights after birth, and pay child support.

Bruh. No. Just… ya know what?! Not only NO but FUCK NO! Fuck all that with a bag of chips on the side, and NOT in a good way. I was floored by this and I have never wanted to throat punch a mofo with a chair soooooo badly as I did in that moment. Bodily Autonomy in All Things at All Times. Period. <insert middle finger emoji>

Yeah. As if that isn’t enough. This white male in his 30’s ALSO believed that he had been *drumroll please*… Oppressed. Yes. That’s correct. Read it again. White. Male. Oppressed. Oh! I forgot to mention that his mother had Rebel Flags all over their home… like, even their TOWELS had them. Oppressed, my ass.

Aaaanyhoozle… if that doesn’t give you an idea of what type of person he was, in general, go ahead and Google “narcissistic traits” and his picture is probably right there next to that list. Kidding (I checked lol). But it should be, along with Gravity and The Plague and that asshole I can’t name. Maybe that one should be called “Lord Voldemort”?! 🤔 Heh. *writes that down* Not only was he an asshole, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He never wanted to improve himself because he was happy with who he was (whatever that meant).

See why I say I have bad taste in men?! Yeah. “Daddy Issues.” 🙄

So… The Dementor and I kept our FWB shit up for 5 years after the breakup. We visited each other (4 hour drive one way) as much as we could, but the abusive toxicity on his end continued. I’ll just admit it right now (sorry, babe)… the sex was great, ok? But… the Codependency was very much stronger. My mental health issues and all the trauma I’d been through (and the sex) just made that connection harder to break.

At one point, I did break things off (the fighting and his bullshit were just too much). It lasted less than a month – until the first “excuse” I had to reach out. We started things up again from there, like no time had passed.

The 2nd time I broke things off, 6 weeks had gone by. I was walking in from the back deck to use the bathroom. I glanced to my left and HOLY SHIT WTAF – there he was. Standing right there, in my parents’ house, just looking at me. He had a smirk on his face. And I had an instant and massive panic attack. He turned away to put his bags up and I almost RAN to the bathroom. I did eventually go back out to the deck, where he had invaded, and we started having an argument (I was triggered hard AND pissed). Apparently, he had an “open invitation” to visit from my mother, took advantage of that, and just showed the fuck up to see just how serious I was about breaking shit off with him.

We talked a long time. He shed a few tears. Fucking. Damnit. I caved. We made up (yeah, like that) and shit went right back to the way it was.

On December 22nd of 2022 – third time’s a charm – I ended things for the 3rd and final time. We had been fighting and he had stayed silent for an entire week. I watched an inspiring video about toxic abuse and wrote notes. Then, I wrote a lengthy “letter” to him and, with shaky hands, sent it to him over Discord and to his email. Panic Attack set in when I saw him open his Discord messages and come online. I deleted everything immediately after that and blocked him everywhere. I was done done.

And in that next moment… that’s when my brain broke. I went completely numb. This was the catalyst for the full-fledged Anhedonia.

As time has passed, I’ve had moments of missing him, they were intense in the beginning and for a quite while, but slowly went down to fleeting and easily dismissed. I’ve had dreams with him in them as recently as a couple weeks ago (ugh, that one was a doozy and I woke up fucking depressed as fuck). I’ve randomly wanted to reach out and see how he’s doing, too. But… that’s what No Contact is for… 🤷‍♀️ Can’t be doing a Dumb and talking to someone that was a toxic piece of shit, even if he’s managed to improve himself (which I highly doubt). Stupid feckin dreams…

And there you have it. Isaac = The Dementor. He sucked the entire happiness right out of me, literally. I traded my Codependency for Anhedonia. I can’t believe it’s only been 2.5 years. It feels like it’s been an entire decade. Or yesterday (cuz hooray for PTSD flashbacks).

Damn. Now I’m tired. It takes a lot of energy to write about this shite. Wipes me the fuck out.