I really [fucking] hate that sentiment. Like… it elicits a deep, visceral rage inside my guts when I hear it. And I’ve even used the damn phrase. Doesn’t make it any less condescending and dismissive, though.

And yeah, life ISN’T fucking fair, but who gives a shit?! Sometimes, whatever thing we’re going through sucks major whale anus and having someone remind us that “life isn’t fair” is a cop-out on SO many levels.

Side Quest: It is a huge rambly-brains day. The Penguins (my last 4 brain cells represented by the Madagascar Penguins) are doing a Rave today. My apologies in advance.

Speaking of the unfairness of things… since The Boyfriend is back on the Unsurety of the Relationship Train, how unfair is it that he’s asked me to pretend nothing is wrong for a while?! I did speak briefly on it a couple entries ago, but I didn’t really have much left in me to go into great detail. I still don’t. I mean, fuck… I’ve already been up for two damn hours because Comet (one of my cats) demands the Squishie (wet food) at the Taint of Dawn every morning.

I’m in a mood today, driven by the lack of sleep and crying myself to sleep last night. I got to speak with my Costa Rican friend (code name: Senpai) and ugh… I miss him something fierce. He is honestly one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever known and I hate that we live SO far apart. It’s been 13 years since I saw him in person. We met through a martial arts convention in 2012 when I flew down there and stayed with him. Second best trip of my life (next to Moab)

I suppose now is a great time to reveal that I am actually Polyamorous (no ignorant bullshit, please). And yes, this was established before I got into this relationship with The Boyfriend – with full disclosure being had beforehand. I have a fairly emotionally loving relationship with a lovely man in Germany (I might be a whore for accents), but that’s the extent of it. I’m too fucking tired to maintain any more than that currently, but that doesn’t diminish that I have the capacity to love more than one human being. I’m also Pansexual because I’m attracted to more than just how people identify. And Demisexual, which – honestly – is pretty unfair, too, being that I also have Anhedonia. Soooo… forming new emotional connections is difficult (almost impossible).

But I digress [yet again]…

This relationship with The Boyfriend is fucking unfair and so is the fact that, despite how much I’ve already been hurt and sacrificed, plus the continuation of my abilities to be patient and understanding… the “empathetic” side of me has been worn to a fine dust. I don’t understand how I could have chosen to give love another chance and little more than a year later, here I am pondering things like permanent naps and infidelity. I’m different than who I was, too. This trauma and betrayal gave me traits that I would never have imagined having over a year ago. Extreme paranoia, hypervigilance (hello old friend), incessantly checking histories and social medias, NOT being attracted to other women anymore (in fact, being repulsed by them), being wholly ashamed and disgusted with my own physical attractiveness… all these and more negative consequences DIRECTLY caused by The Boyfriend. The unfairness of who I am today due to someone else’s actions is just… unfathomable.

And yeah, as I say, “You are not responsible for anyone else’s shit but yours” – DOES apply… the problem is, I had trust and respect in place before all the shit hit the fan. I truly believed the words and actions The Boyfriend took to convince me that it was worth living and loving again.

Pfft. Now I have to wonder if the entire thing hasn’t been a whole ass lie from the start and I’m dealing with another Narcissistic Prick like Gravity or The Dementor… being manipulated into stupidity because I love so much and so hard, or if I could possibly have a shred of hope and good fortune for once in my fucking life and he’s just confused because the addiction strips away his common fucking sense.

Wow. Yeah. I am ALL over the place. I’m going back to fuckin bed.