Fair warning, this one is going to be REALLY long. I was perusing my old “journal” notes in my phone from way back when I was with The Dementor… starting around 2020. It’s fucking ironic that the similarities between what I felt and wrote about back then are almost an exact mirror of the shit I’ve written recently. The only difference is that I don’t believe The Boyfriend is a Narcissist like The Dementor was (and probly still is). So, I saved a few to my WordPress app on my phone so I could present them after getting on my PC and doing some editing and more writing.
I’ll even link to the recent entries that I think reflect the same sentiments (in the intro section to each)… and break them up with spacer lines so you can skip to the end or whatever, if you don’t feel like reading this much. 😅
Oh look, the inspiration for this entry – potential! Legit just wrote about THAT shit yesterday.
May 14th, 2020
Seeing someone’s potential means believing in them. Believing that they can grow and transform into an even better version of themselves. And wanting to help someone realize their potential… why is this considered negative? Why is it recoiled against as “you’re trying to change me”?
Because becoming a better version of yourself is a noble and important part of being a good human. Because staying stuck in your anger and frustration about how you were treated your entire life, thus adopting the same behaviors as your tormentors, is horrible. Because WHY NOT? Is it really that bad that I can see you for who you are and want to help you become better? Of course I want you to change. I want you to grow. I want to see you and help you become the absolute best version of yourself that you can possibly be. And I, for one, would love it if someone felt that way about me. But that’s because I know that I’m not perfect. I accept that there are negative things about me that can be improved. This doesn’t mean I believe you aren’t worthy of love and respect, or that I don’t accept you for who you are. I can fully accept you for who you are and still desire to see growth, to want desperately to help you overcome those deplorable thoughts and behaviors.
And that makes me wonder… why do you WANT to keep being this way? Are you proud of the way you treat others? Are you actually happy in your suffering? Do you maybe just not SEE that there are things about yourself that could be polished up, improved, worked through? Are you telling me that you are content with who you are, that there is absolutely no room for improvement? If so, you’re wrong and in denial.
I know you. I know what you went through. I KNOW why you are the way you are. It’s just difficult for me to understand why you would be OK with it, because – as you can see – now you are alone. You lost me, because you saw what I wanted as something negative. You fought against what I was trying to do, because it is harder for you to face yourself than it would be to actually do something about it. You’re lazy and complacent, using the excuse of “accept me for who I am”… what a cop out. Lmao. Seriously. Can you not see that?! Can you not see that the suffering you have now has nothing to do with how you are being treated NOW – and everything to do with you being stuck in the past? Let it go, lovie. You can’t change the past. You can’t change what happened to you. The only thing you can do is change yourself.
Whut?! Words of Affirmation?! Doubting the relationship will last?!
May 17th, 2020
What do you do with your shattered heart when the person you love so deeply isn’t right for you? When he is the only one you want in your life, but isn’t able to give you what you deeply need to survive?
I LIVE on Words of Affirmation. They’re like my Chakra, giving me the power and motivation I need to thrive. Little bits and pieces of words are the fuel that keeps me going. And yet, [The Dementor] fails at this miserably. In fact, I’m not even sure he tries. I realize that it may not come easily for him, which is vastly different than it is for me, but even a breath of EFFORT is enough to sustain my hunger.
I’m stuck here now, loving a man with everything I have, and hating that the key to my happiness is so far out of his reach, and yet so close within his grasp if he would just quit being complacent and reach his hand out. 🥺
The War with Empathy Continues…
September 21, 2020
Here I am again. Alone in my bed after having spent 4 nights next to you. You called me crazy, in a good way, for driving all the way to [town in Oklahoma] to pick you up. 😅 Maybe I am. Maybe I’m stark raving mad for spending 2 whole days just driving, in order to see you. I told you it was worth it. Was it? I don’t even know any more. It’s been almost 3 years since we broke up, and yet here I am… still in love with you, still wishing your eyes would open, still believing that if I just love you hard enough, you’ll grow. This is the worst kind of bittersweetness I’ve ever experienced.
I asked you why you wanted to move to MH and you told me it’s a nice area. I confessed having a little hope that I was part of it, to which you denied but assured me that this was a bonus. Idk how I feel about that. It really sucks being in love with someone that doesn’t love you back. It really sucks wanting desperately for someone to validate my existence, my love, my heart and soul, only to be dismissed.
What do I even expect, though? That you’ll change? Pfft. Yeah right. You see my desire for you to grow and heal from a lifetime of trauma as wanting to change you and nothing more. You’re stagnating and complacent, and I just want to yank you out of that hole and kiss all the wounds.
Why am I so addicted to you? Why am I so deeply in love with you? What is wrong with me?
Honestly, I wish things were different. I just wish that, for once, you could see yourself through my eyes, feel the way I feel about you, and open your mind/heart/soul to me in all your glorious vulnerability. I wish you would trust me to take care of your heart. I wish that you could love me the way I need to be loved.
I miss regular depression… seriously…
January 15, 2021
Apathetically participating in the obligatory garbage that is this current life…. it sounds like existential depression
Why do they make it so hard?! I don’t get it…
January 25, 2021
“I never said I don’t have feelings for you” is your way of saying, “I love you” without actually having to commit to anything. In other words, you can enjoy my company, make love to me, and be happy/content… with zero obligations to reciprocate. You get all the benefits you want, without having to work for it, especially since you know I’m still in love with you. I don’t blame you, though. Less work is always what you’ll strive for. Too bad. It sure would be nice to see the fruits of your labor, were you to put the energy and effort into loving me back how I need to. It’s so fucking ironic, I have to laugh. It would have been such easy work to gain the rewards I would have poured into you. Ah well. C’est la vie.
Yay! Poetry!
April 15, 2021
No surprise you’ll find
I think of several things
When you cross my mind
Then my heart it sings
Clean or dirty thoughts
I have them both in here
Then my stomach knots
Because you are not near
I intend to love you
Till I take my last breath
I intend to need you
With everything, till death
I know we are just friends
With benefits so sweet
But I hope that it ends
Cuz I can’t take the heat
Bittersweet is the word
Describes my life so well
But maybe you have heard
This torture isn’t hell
And then pouring my heart out about all of it…
July 26, 2022
Here I am again, having to fucking journal so I can get all the bullshit you’ve caused out of my damn head and be able to actually sleep.
You make me fucking TIRED. I don’t understand how I’ve managed to keep this shit up for so long. Honestly! I wasn’t exaggerating when I told you that you remind me of both my father and Gravity. I don’t fucking understand why I’m trying so fucking hard to have compassion and understanding for you, when you’ve proven to me over and over, time and time again, that you have NO desire whatsoever to grow the fuck up and out of your bullshit.
You told me “I can control my anger about as well as you can your depression”… but I’m going to stomp the fuck out of that horse shit with some cold ass logic. First of all, depression – and we’ll go specifically for mine – isn’t a goddamn emotion. It’s not “sadness”… it’s a literal imbalance in my fucking brain that I have ZERO control over. It is a physical condition just like getting a broken bone – and I can’t control that shit. I can’t just CHOOSE to be happy. Cuz fucking trust me, if I could, I sure as fuck would. Your ANGER problems are an EMOTION and you CAN control them, you just fucking CHOOSE not to. End of story. You use “I’m an asshole” as a free goddamn pass to get away with any and all shitty ass behavior you choose to exhibit. Then, your indignant ego gets fucking bruised by your own self-assumed injury – you assign some sort of fucking unnecessary malice to shit and get butthurt over it. Fuck that. You get mad having to repeat yourself? Boo-fucking-hoo. Grow the fuck up. Jump off your goddamn high horse and stop treating people like shit. And maybe show some fucking remorse for it while you’re at it, bc I know for a fact that you don’t feel bad whatsoever when you’ve hurt someone – ME (the only person in your life that’s put up with your shit for so long?!). In fact, I fully believe that you feel justified in hurting others. How does it feel? Do you like it? Do you really enjoy hurting other people? Do you enjoy lashing out at me and making me fucking suffer and cry? Cuz if so, then you’re far worse off than I originally assessed.
But here’s the thing… I selfishly enjoy having you to talk with every day. I look forward to waking up and seeing a good morning text from you, with a kiss emoji. I like being able to send you random msgs about shit, memes, etc etc. I don’t have anyone else that I can do that with and with you… it’s effortless.
Until it fucking isn’t. The last 2 times you’ve gotten fucking butthurt offended with me, your anger was NOT justified. You made assumptions that what I said was some sort of attack on you when it absolutely wasn’t. I would assume that you’ve known me long enough, know me WELL enough, to know that I’M NOT FUCKING LIKE THAT AT ALL. I REFUSE to attack someone maliciously for any reason. It isn’t necessary. I don’t enjoy causing others pain, because I’ve had so fucking much pain inflicted on me my whole life and I would NEVER want to treat someone else that way. So stop fucking assigning that bullshit to me. Stop letting your fucking EGO control your ANGER. Get. Help. And don’t fucking ask me for it either, because I’m fucking tired of trying to help you see reason. I’m fucking TIRED of wanting to help you. I’m FUCKING TIIIIIIRED of loving you and giving so many fucks to you. I’m tired of it. All I’m doing now is torturing myself and staying in contact with someone that can’t even TRY to get over their toxic bullshit.
Honestly… I really hope you never contact me again. You haven’t said a single thing to me since your last message stating your phone was going to die, so I’m actually looking forward to having you ghost me. And I HATE ghosting. But this time? I hope you fucking do, because I can’t take this shit any more and I can’t get rid of you because my stupid fucking heart is yours, you stupid fucking asshole. I’m begging you to just rip the last shreds out and fuck right the hell off.
Oh, the Hypocrisy…
Nov 7 2022
Do you understand and/or appreciate the value I add to your life?
If no:
I’m surprised you’d admit that, but not surprised that it’s true.
If yes:
I don’t feel that you do. Consistent evidence proves otherwise. In a healthy, loving relationship (be it friends or otherwise) between two people, BOTH individuals put in the work to improve themselves and the relationship. And you are not pulling your weight. That is not how this entire relationship has been. I have poured every fiber of my being, heart and soul and mind, into making this work between us. I’ve tried a plethora of ways to improve myself, improve our relationship, and even to help YOU improve YOUR self… to seemingly no fucking avail. In the near-decade we’ve known each other, you have absolutely refused to take any responsibility or accountability for your words/actions that have caused me pain and suffering. Whether you’ve apologized or not (and you haven’t, btw), you have NOT changed your behavior – which is the core of any apology, spoken or not. If you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, then that is the key piece to figuring out why I’ve told you to fuck off and tried to remove myself from your life.
Communication is one of the most important and valuable tools for success. Trust and respect could arguably be considered the next important things.
And, I don’t have a recent entry to relate to this one (yet?!). I don’t want to, either, but… you’ll understand the sentiment I’m trying to convey at the end…
The Final Goodbye – Dec 21 2022
It’s been a whole week now since I’ve heard from you. I don’t want this to be lengthy, so I’m just going to get on with it…
Sacrificing my boundaries in the name of empathy isn’t noble. It’s made me a safe house for your demons. Empathy has to be learned in two parts: how to put myself in your shoes and see the hurt you were given that made you hurt me AND how to understand that I still don’t deserve the pain you’ve caused me. Your scars are no excuse for the wounds you’ve given me. Your inability to heal is not something I can fix, let alone stay and continue to let you treat me in all these unacceptable ways. I have consistently given you excuses and a safe place for your darkness, even while demanding you do better. But… the only thing I’ve been teaching you is that I’ll put up with it. I am no longer going to do that. I want to live in a world where hurt people don’t hurt people, but the reality is that it starts with me standing up for myself and not accepting disrespect. I choose to heal. I choose to take the darkness I’ve been given and still be light. I choose kindness despite the overwhelming pain I’ve received, and so can you, if you actually want to. And I truly hope that you do, some day, but it’s going to be without my support.
My unhealthy, codependent attachment to you has been completely broken. It’s totally different for me this time. I have finally accepted you – truly and wholly – for who you are. I’ve accepted that you will never change for the better. And? I have been absolutely fine this past week because of that.
So on that note, this is my final goodbye. I am 100% sure that I’m done and don’t ever want to interact with you again. My last, humble request is that you delete all my nude photos. In my mind, it’s a matter of respect and decency, and yes – I WILL be doing the same for you.
I also have a hard boundary: do not contact me ever again. This includes a complete revocation of the “open invite” you used to insert yourself back into my life last time. There will be no repeat of that bullshit. Do NOT show up here. Period. I am done forever. There will not be any going back. I will not reach out to you again. This is the end, completely. Please accept and respect this.
Sincerely,
Melissa
P.S. I’m going to attempt to send this via both Discord and email in hopes that it will actually reach you, then everything will be blocked. Do not respond, I don’t need nor want it.
NOW
We did couple’s therapy yesterday. It was “productive” and hard, again. The Boyfriend didn’t seem to get as upset as the last time, despite being the main focus again (bc duh). We gamed and watched stuff, then went to bed.
He didn’t bring up check-in, so I did. It was late, though. I intended to just let it be a short one, reviewing whether he’d “Slipped” or “Relapsed” at all (there’s a difference, as I’ve learned recently in the new book I’m reading). He hadn’t (or said he hadn’t, anyway).
I want to say that it’s been difficult to believe him, given the relapse and discovery recently, but… it actually hasn’t?! I say that because I’m kind of at the point of just not caring any more. We have an Accountability app (instead of “monitoring” for children), and it was proven one time that it works, to a degree. But, ya know, iPhone sucks (in general, but also bc they’re REALLY great at keeping privacy). There needs to be some sort of option to turn that strict shit off for reasons like this, but what do I know?! But anyway… I don’t care much any more because what’s the point? It hurts when he lies and I find out. I can’t trust him to tell me the truth, even when he says he doesn’t like being accused of something he isn’t doing (wonder why?!). It’s bullshit.
Sorry… squirrel’ed again.
So after his confessing to nothing, I asked if he’d be able to stay awake while I talked a bit. He said, “Maybe.” So, I launched into what I needed to discuss, which was my flirting (sexually) with him. Told him – basically – that if it was making him uncomfortable, I could stop. I asked if he wanted me to, he said he didn’t know how to answer that (which means he has an answer and just doesn’t want to say it out loud). I told him, “With the truth? That’s how you answer that.”
It took him a little bit to finally answer. And the answer was that he thought it would be best to take sex off the table, not knowing for how long.
I started to cry.
Was I crying because we’re officially taking something off the table that I haven’t gotten since our trip to Florida?
Nope.
I was crying because the finality of his voice indicated – to me, someone that’s hyper-perceptive – that there would be no coming back from this. He didn’t HAVE to say “I want to break up and I have no hopes of recovering to the point that I’ll even WANT to make things work with you” – but that’s how it felt to me. And I said about as much. He got silent and rubbed my hip while I cried, which… idk about you, but silence is enough of an answer, in my opinion. Maybe he was just too tired to give feedback, though. 🙄
*shrug* So yeah. Bittersweet Purgatory be damned, throw me to Hell (I don’t believe in that, btw). We shall see how things go, I guess.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 