So… I’d like to raise more awareness of what Anhedonia is. This prompt helps because I CAN list 30 things (I think?!), but due to Anhedonia, the title is necessary: “They Used To [Make Me Happy]”

We’ll start with the physical shite I can’t (or almost can’t) do any more…

• 1 – Riding motorcycles (can’t ride any more)
• 2 – Dancing
• 3 – Sleeping soundly
• 4 – Playing in the snow
• 5 – Swimming
• 6 – “Rock Hunting” (going with my mom to hike/collect cool/sparkly rocks)
• 7 – Spending any time in nature
• 8 – Road Trips
• 9 – Flying long distances (anything over 2 hours)
• 10 – Cooking/Baking (is hard, can’t stand long)

Damn, this is feckin hard, NGL… here’s some artsy fartsy stuffs!

• 11 – Knitting with Looms
• 12 – Drawing/Painting
• 13 – Creating Dreamcatchers (not authentic, cuz I’m not Native American)
• 14 – Making Resin stuffs (glitter, glow-in-the-dark, pigments galore!)
• 15 – Giving said art things to people I appreciate/love

We’re halfway theeeere, whooooaaaa… *cough* Sorry 😜

• 16 – Cats (they’re so FLUFFY! Except the naked ones – which are still cute!)
• 17 – Elephants (I has large collection of figurines, stuffed, pictures, etc. )
• 18 – All the Rocks (sparkly, cool, and MATH ROCKS, TOO!!!)
• 19 – Art/School Supplies (all of it… seriously, I have a problem… send help!)
• 20 – COFFEE

2/3’s done with the Struggle Bus! Uh… how about “entertainment” things?!

• 21 – Gaming (video and board)
• 22 – Watching Anime
• 23 – Reading
• 24 – Listening to Music
• 25 – Playing guitar/singing (neither of which I’m any good at lol)

Jesus tits, y’all… anyone else manage to do this?! WHY 30?! *passes out*

• 26 – Hugs
• 27 – Laughing/Humor
• 28 – Spending time with The Son
• 29 – Hanging out with Friends/Chosen Family
• 30 – Love?!

Yaaaaay! I DID IT!

Whew. Well, that took forever.

I mentioned before that I’d like to raise more awareness of Anhedonia, and linked a post I’ve done about what it is. That post relates the exact day/moment Anhedonia came to be a whole “thing” I [still] suffer from, what happened to cause it, and how I figured out what it even was…

It doesn’t explain much in the way of how it manifests in my everyday life, so… I’ll get into that in as relatable of a way as I can. 😉

Take a moment to pick something you know brings you joy/happiness. The bigger – the more it makes you feel good – the better. Now, imagine enjoying that thing and sit in the feels with it. What does it do to your body when you imagine it? Would you describe it as warm and fuzzy? Comforting? Whatever words you would use are great.

And… deep breath and let that go for a minute.

Now, imagine something negative that’s happened to you, something that made you sad, frustrated, or otherwise. It can even be a “numb” or neutral feeling. We don’t need it to be a big thing, in fact it might be better if it isn’t. But, whatever does come to mind, do your best not to let it take over (trust me on this one). You don’t have to feel it deeply, but keep that feeling in mind and then let it go, too, take a deep breath.

This is the shitty/difficult part.

That thing that brought you joy? Imagine it doesn’t any more. Imagine that it elicits that negative feel you had. And that’s it. No happy juices from the brain, no warm and fuzzy in the body… just numb, neutral, sad, frustrated, or whatever negative emotion you imagined.

And this applies to literally everything in my life that “used to” bring me any positive emotions whatsoever. You can refer back to my list and every single thing on it doesn’t do anything for me.

The meds I’m on now (just upped a 2nd psych one) are struggling to survive in this desert of inequity inside my mind and body. But struggle they are. Thing is… I’ve done this gambit many times. My body hates me and – usually, after 2 months or so of “working” (to any degree) – it thwarts those attempts by negating any helpful effects. Fun times, huh?

This is a major reason why “hope” is a curse word for me. When a medication starts to work, having hope that it will continue would be great, but… the loss of that hurts far worse than if I hadn’t hoped in the first place. It shatters it and the shards tear me up. So, I choose not to hope. I just “come what may” it when/if it does anything good or not.

Then, there’s a social aspect of this. I laugh, smile, joke around, etc. People can see that I “appear” to be happy and enjoy myself. This pre-programmed “fake it till you make it” I’ve had to present to the world because of the lifetime of trauma and abuse I’ve suffered? It is the conditioning that’s both saved my life and made empathy from others next to impossible. It’s difficult to believe that someone doesn’t “feel” joy when their outward expressions are saying otherwise. It’s gotten me in precarious situations with therapy and my own mom.

Not being believed sucks whale anus.

Thankfully, though, Colorado has changed a lot of that. For whatever reason, the therapists here actually give a shit and believe me. My new psych believes me and is working to get my shit together with meds.

And there you have it. Anhedonia is a whole bitch.