Thank you TonysBologna: “How to Write More” – for inspiring me to get off my ass and just write. I was legitimately on my ass on the couch scrolling on my phone… and ya called me out (damnit 😝)!
Also, visit the site where I got the featured picture from, because holy shit that’s some fantastic art and it’s for sale: https://www.redbubble.com/i/poster/Love-Hate-by-taggink/37184180.LVTDI
So… I have a love/hate relationship with my sensitivity. Today, I’m on the hating it side of things. 🙄
I woke to The Boyfriend leaving for his run (door shutting, ok bye), having not come to see if I wanted to go. Thus, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed with that, as they say. I’d like to think that he was considering how I’ve been feeling (like shite) and letting me “sleep in” or whatever (it was 4:15am), but I don’t get that privilege… I have cats whom rise at the taint of dawn and demand their squishy by smashing their cold noses into my face (Mars) or licking my head (Comet). At least Batman is patient, waiting downstairs on his favorite chair. All the same, it’s such a small thing to just come in and ask, ya know? Maybe the night’s sleep made me feel better?!
Instead, I did a grumpy, rolled over, and tried to go back to sleep, because why not? And I was in a bit of a delirium a short while later when I got tired of invasive cat noses and tongues and got myself up. Heard The Boyfriend return. Mars, who is now the Prince of the Peasants (everyone around him), must be snatched up and carried downstairs to be fed squishy. Comet and Batman? Nah, they don’t have a single inkling of resistance on that front. So, on my way down, The BF interacted with me… I can’t tell you what was said bc I honestly don’t remember. Delirium aside… I think it was good?!
After all that and getting cats swapped, etc… The BF and I “discussed” a smol joke I’d said, “You could hit them in the throat… with a chair” (i.e. the undiagnosed bit-o-the-’tism took over and literal logistics had to take my joke apart), and I got fairly annoyed with that. I don’t have resting-bitch-face, so I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes and sighed at some point. I just… I don’t understand why he does that. And yeah, I was already hating my sensitivity, so adding [perceived] stupid, pointless shit didn’t help. I think he saw/heard my reaction and got annoyed in return. I could be wrong, but… he promptly stopped talking and sat on the couch to play on his phone. Seems like annoyance to me.
Thing is… my sensitivity is both a blessing and a curse. I’m highly perceptive to mood changes in others (I’m an Empath, but some people *coughtheboyfriendcough* don’t believe in that stuff). This is my reality. I am not delusional, but if others wish to see me that way, that’s on them. I know when someone’s mood changes and I can tell when I’m being lied to. This is the curse side of it. It doesn’t matter if I call people out on it, I have to take their word for it even when my sensitivity is screaming otherwise. I hate being lied to. And if he truly wasn’t lying and giving me excuses for my misperceptions, then… I guess I’m just crazy and delusional, yeah? At least he came to kiss me goodbye when he left for work.
And, as soon as he did, I sat on the couch and cried. Because I’m sensitive and hate it. Because I’m tired, worn out, exhausted. Because I just want the man I chose to love to be open and honest with me, trust me, and know that we can work things out with heartfelt communication… to not pick apart my silliness like I’m stupid for having some imagination. 🤷♀️
There. I did it. I wrote a thing. Now I’ll go finish my coffee and maybe get on Minecraft.
Edit: P.S. Oh yeah… today is the 1 year anniversary of moving to Colorado. Woo. Hoo.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 