Last night, I stayed up far too late playing Valheim and had difficulties falling asleep, thinking about what to write for my blog this morning. Then, for reasons beyond my comprehension, I fell asleep thinking that I didn’t need to worry about it (though I DO have a fantastic topic) because it would be Monday Mark day.

Texted my bestie, Granny Sidhé, this morning, too… that I’d be late for our weekly Monday call… because Mars (cat) was AWOL and made me late for everything…

“We do Sundays?”

Fuggin damnit!

So yeah… I’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes, reading, liking, and commenting on my weekly digest subs… trying desperately to remember what the feck my topic was going to be. 😑

Tiny spark finally hit me, though, so here we goooooo… *falls flat on her face* 😜

Anhedonia! Yes, that topic again. I came up with a pretty great analogy (I think?!) for how it feels, in the throes of my desire to sleep last night.

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Can you recall a time in your life when you were so thirsty you thought you would legitimately die from the lack of hydration?! Or at the very least, humor me and imagine this scenario? Your mouth is so dry that you can’t even garner enough spit to coat the inside of your mouth or your dry, cracked lips – and you might go crazy just from the desire for something to drink. Maybe you’ve been dehydrated before, feeling dizzy, fatigued, and suffering a bad headache? You’d be satisfied with just a few drops to subside what little agony you can to keep going.

Now, equate this thirst to the lack of positive emotions. Positive emotions in this case would be whatever liquid(s) would quench this thirst. What is your most favorite drink, the one that you choose over all others? Water? Coffee? Soda? Tea? Whatever that favored choice may be, imagine how it makes you feel when you drink it. Theeeere it iiiiis. Joy, contentment, happiness… you name it.

And you can apply this to literally any other consumable, if you wish. We could even go with hunger/food for the analogy.

Anhedonia is like thirst/hunger. Only, you don’t GET to drink/eat these wonderful things that make you have the warm and fuzzies. Or, the things you do consume LOOK really great, but taste like nothing. There’s no nourishment whatsoever. It doesn’t satiate anything.

Then… 4 years have gone by and you wonder how you’re still alive. What medication will you have to try next that will help you be able to taste things again? Is the current one doing anything?! Oh… there’s those few drops… you want to celebrate, you have a smidgen of hope again, and BAM… the rug gets pulled out from under you and you smack your face on the dusty floor. Your nose bleeds and tears run down your face… back to square one, grinding on, day to day… in the continued and desperate search for something to fix this overwhelming thirst.

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It’s rough, I know… I live this way every single day. And those drops? That’s the current state I’m in with the highest dose of the newest medication specifically for Major Depressive Disorder (with Anhedonia, supposedly). It’s so new it doesn’t even have an off-brand yet. Shit would be over $500/month if I didn’t have Medicaid. And I’m on this because everything I’ve tried for the last couple of years has either worked for a couple months and rug-pulled (quit suddenly), not worked at all, and/or given me untenable side effects. The risks for Serotonin Syndrome (serious death risk shit) are high, as well.

So yeah… I’m trying desperately to cling to those drops and enjoy them while I can. The desire I have for more, because I remember what positive shit felt like, is unsustainable some days. I can’t choose to hope any more… the face-smacking floor scenario fuckin hurts too much.

And yet… I still do it. I still hope, sometimes. Like right now… thinking about my trip to Arkansas next month to stay with Granny Sidhé, meet my friend GenGen in person finally, and… hug The Son (pangs of pain from missing him so much, it’s been over a year now).

I want these drops to last so that when I see The Son, I can feel something positive again. I love him so much. I know that sounds contradictory, but… the motherly instincts and all that are still there. You see… there’s another, very weird aspect to this Anhedonia bullshit. I call it “Being Grandfathered In” – (Google) “To be ‘grandfathered in’ means to be exempt from a new rule, law, or regulation (anhedonia) because you were already in a certain situation (love and other such emotions) before the new rule was enacted, allowing you to continue under the previous standards. This exemption is typically granted to avoid the retroactive application of new regulations to existing situations (i.e. brain remembers this or that person forever), but the exemption might be limited or lost under certain circumstances (heartbreak, betrayal, loss, etc).”

Anyone I knew and loved before this break in my brain happened (because The Dementor) is Grandfathered In. My son, mom, friends and other family… The Boyfriend (we’ve known each other for over 2 decades). New people, such as The German (hi!) have to be REALLY exceptional people to gain access to The Vault of the Loved. And yeah, people in The Vault can and do get removed from it – indelibly and forever. *shrug*

But that’s enough for one day. I wanna get back into Valheim… or take an early nap. It’s my day off of All the Things I Don’t Wanna Do. So…