7.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

You’re not afraid of failing. You’re afraid of being seen failing.

Most people aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing, and your loudest critics are probably too scared to try.

What are you so worried about?

While I was growing up, failure (as seen by my father – “The Plague”) was dangerous. I was verbally/physically abused if I or The Brother failed – at literally anything. Keeping quiet, finishing chores, obeying commands, keeping grades up… you know, normal shit that children frequently fail at because they’re children. I lived in abject fear of being seen failing (or anything else) by The Plague from age 7 to just a couple years ago (I’m 43 now) when I finally escaped and went No Contact. So, for me? It very much IS the being seen part that sucks. I fail all the time, I’m human. But… I’ve been much better about not caring about failing, because HIS eyes are no longer on me and Good Riddance.

What are you putting off because you don’t want to be seen failing? What is it, really, that you fear?

I suppose that makes this question less valid. It’s difficult for me to think of anything that I truly care to be seen failing at. I’m harder on myself in this way than anyone else.

Do one thing you’re afraid to fail at. Let me know how it goes.

Ah… well, it’s actually been a couple weeks since I did this… in Art Therapy (now CBT/Boundaries), we worked with acrylics doing landscapes. I haven’t done so in ages and I was really nervous and afraid that I’d fail at what I’d chosen to paint. I thought I hated watercolors hahaha 😑 But anyway, here is the result:

---

8.0 – What to Live for

Two things for you to think about

Stop living for the emotional scraps of strangers’ opinions.
Start living for your own values and well-being.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

---

Three things for you to ask yourself

When have you caught yourself living for the emotional scraps of strangers’ opinions? What did it cost you?

What would living for yourself look like instead?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

---

One thing for you to try this week

Choose one area of your life where you’ve been living for others—maybe it’s how you spend your free time, the clothes you wear, or the opinions you hold back—and do something just for you this week. Let me know how it goes.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net/

---

As for how things are going in my life today… The Boyfriend had a relapse night before last and confessed to it during last night’s check-in. Right before I was slated to attend my Sunday Evening D&D Sesh. I tried really hard to keep my shit together, but…

No amount of careful breathing was able to stop me from breaking down and sobbing…

I will say, though, I am proud of him for actually confessing, and not hiding it and lying to me. Plus… instead of sitting there watching me cry (as he’d done so many times in the past), he knelt down in front of me, wrapped me in his arms, and apologized.

Despite how much it hurt to hear, I’m grateful that he’s grown to this point. It’s slowly getting better.

Also… I don’t just cry for my own pain. I cry because addiction fucking sucks and I feel so much empathy for his struggle, as well. Yes, the selfish part of me wants to kick this shit into oblivion because I hate feeling the things I feel, being the partner in this shit. It’s changed me and I didn’t have a choice. But I can imagine how hard it is for him, with his brain defaulting to another fix in his weakest moments. I want to reach into his skull and yank those cravings out by the roots, throw them to the dirt, and light them on fire… watching them burn until they are nothing but ash blowing away in the wind…