Last night, when we went to bed (together, bc not a work night), I gained some weird tickle in my throat that caused me to cough at irregular intervals. It was so bad that tears and snot started to leak. I had to sit up to wipe my face and blow my nose. The Boyfriend stayed deathly silent, though I knew he wasn’t asleep. He eventually asked if I was sick. I reacted with a resounding, “No!” but immediately calmed myself and said, “I don’t think I am. It’s like I inhaled a cat hair. There’s a tickle in my throat.” He commented that there was a lot of snot for that, to which I replied, “That’s what happens when you cough a lot.”

I asked if he was annoyed. After a short pause and small sigh, “Yeah. A little bit.” (at least he actually answered?!). This caused some irritation (resentment, really), so I asked, “And what would you like me to do about it?” He told me there wasn’t anything he thought could be done about it, and we fell silent.

I tried to lay back down and sleep again, but the tickle just would not go away, so I decided to stop being annoying by leaving the bedroom, water can in tow. I sat in my PC chair, taking sips, gargling, swallowing, and just generally trying my best to make whatever the fuck that was go away. When I felt like I could manage to go back to bed without being annoying, I got up and did so. As I crawled over him and started adjusting to laying down, he laid his hand on my thigh… which, I guess, was some sort of reassurance? I didn’t feel reassured in that moment, just irritated that something I couldn’t control could annoy him (honestly, I don’t understand). I laid down with my back to him and he snuggled up to me. Passed out pretty quick after that.

The best I can remember was waking up around 1:15am and noticing he’d gone back to his room. The “reasons” he leaves vary from “I got too hot” to “your snoring was unbearable” (or my not-so favorite: “I didn’t want to leave Fluffybutt alone all night 🙄). I dislike waking up to him being gone, but… I’ve learned to be okay with it since we do go to bed together at least 3 nights a week and I get to fall asleep with him there. I have had to accept that this is the best I’ll get and be grateful for that much. And yeah, that definitely has some bitterness to it. I’m at a point in my life where “settling” for bare minimum really grates my nerves and – if I think too much about it – leaves me feeling pretty despondent.

We were also supposed to do Walkies, but I guess he decided that wasn’t going to happen either. Probly my fault for being annoying somehow and causing him to lose sleep. Ugh. The Passive-Aggressive is strong with me this morning.

All that aside, pre-blog morning routine shit done, I sat down to write and immediately wanted to play Minecraft instead. I call it “Minecrack” in times like this because it truly is an addiction and when I get in the “phase of Minecrack” – that’s ALL I want to do. Especially if there’s a specific project I’m working on. My brain tells me that I’m too tired to think of something to write, just go play. The struggle was real, but… I did have something to vent about, so… here we are!

Side Quest: Now that we are in the Recovery Program, I keep thinking about editing the “Coming Soon” page, to add the info about the program as a whole, the Founders, and whatever else I can provide that may possibly help someone else. This addiction is at epidemic levels, in my opinion, and having encountered it via The Boyfriend (and never before), it has changed my view on this specific topic and who I am fundamentally (yay, trauma!). Now? I am pretty fuckin passionate about just how shitty it all is.

Thing is, I can’t share details about the program curriculum itself – obviously – because we paid a good chunk of money to be in it and I would be breaking serious rules. I do NOT wish to do so, anyway, but at the same time… I desperately want to write about how things are going AND promote the program. I truly believe the innovative approach they’ve landed on will be instrumental in helping addicts and their partners – it has some serious potential in becoming something very important to society as a whole. And I am wholly on board for it, ya know?

The only other hitch in all that is revealing exactly what The Boyfriend is addicted to. I have this blog pinned at the top of my Facebook page, which gives access to people I’ve gained as friends through him (and a couple family members, too). I can’t say that anyone worth noting has come to read it, but the risk is there. I do NOT want to cause more shame/guilt or embarrass him.

Thus… we are at a continued standstill. I suppose at some point he might feel confident enough in his vulnerability and the recovery process that I’ll be able to write in full about it (minus curriculum deets, ofc). That is my hope, anyway. So…

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