Welp… it’s 4-something in the morning, because “Fall Back” Daylight Saving Time (anyone else call it “savings”?!) Shenanigans, and here I am doing a catch-up on my bloggening, after having spent a week and a half in Arkansas. I tried to do it while I was gone, but only managed a couple days of that before I said, “Fuck it.” and just took a break.

As far as mentionable things on my trip go…

Went to UU with Granny Sídhe (pronounced “she” and I have to correct the accent mark from Sidhé – oops) on Sunday, where I was able to see Savana (and her wife). There’s a history there, but for time’s sake: I helped her with her son many, MANY moons ago and he is doing really well. She’s come a long way on a hard ass journey herself, and I am proud to see how well she is doing.

Monday evening, I got to meet GenGen in person when he arrived to pick me up from Granny Sídhe’s, so we could stay at a really neat AirBnb. We went to a theater 45 minutes away on Tuesday JUST to see Chainsaw Man (it was the closest one).

Wednesday was rough. I was having a difficult time convincing my son to get out of the house and do literally anything. We got there to pick him up and it took even more convincing just to get him to go with us through the Hardee’s Drive Thru and back home. He breathed hard with anxiety the entire ride. I soothed him the best I could and we avoided any barfing or passing out, so… there’s that, I guess. After we ate (ugh, Gravity), I sewed his stuffed Kitty, who was in need of an arm and neck repair. He’s had that thing nearly his entire life. It is literally his best friend.

After leaving there, we had a few stops I needed to make and I was… honestly?! Barely holding my shit together. Swung by to give Savana a crystal and went to my brother’s wife’s place to transfer the bag of candy for my nephew that my mom sent. Both times I nearly lost it…

See… I raised my son – almost entirely on my own – his entire life. Because of his autism, I taught him how to: use the bathroom, bathe, pack lunch for school, do his laundry, use a debit card, pick up medicine from the pharmacy… and a ton of other things that most people take for granted – and all much later than his same-aged peers. He was taking anxiety medication (an entire ordeal, let me tell ya) when he decided to move in with his dad and not come to Colorado with me (legally, I could not force him). His father, if you can even deign to give him that title, took him off his meds because he didn’t understand how much he needed them AND because he didn’t want to drive him to the pharmacy to pick them up. He never makes him do anything he doesn’t want to – including bathing.

My son is basically wasting away living with his father. His face looks like it has a whole rash because the acne is so bad from not bathing at all. His hair is greasy and his body odor is really bad.

So, needless to say, the difficulty I had in keeping my shit together was strong. When GenGen and I finally got back to the AirBnb… I broke down crying. Waves of guilt at not forcing him to come with me to Colorado hit me. The anxiety grew to the point that I wanted to run away, to go all the way home and say fuck the rest of the trip.

But I couldn’t. I had to put the mask on and wipe my face.

Shortly after that, Granny Sídhe showed up to pick me up for therapy. She sees Dr. Phil (not the idiot on TV), who is my former therapist. She wanted to surprise him and have me go with her to her session. I got to see Ms. Amy, as well. She’s a good egg.

I discussed my need to run with Granny Sídhe, but finally decided to just stay the remainder of the day with GenGen – whom I also discussed the running away with. Amazingly, it wasn’t that scary once I got my feels out. He was very understanding and things went smoothly after that. I returned to Granny Sídhe’s the following morning when GenGen dropped me off on his way back home.

Thursday and Friday were mostly uneventful. I was able to coax my kiddo into dressing up and going out to Trunk or Treats for Halloween. He had a really great time and brightened up almost immediately from the first spooky Halloween song on the radio. 1st Trunk or Treat was small, but easy on him. We had a bit of a snafu with the 2nd one not starting til 2 hours later (had to skip), but the 3rd one had fun games and he was ready to go home after that. He even asked me to stay and hang out until his father got home from whatever he was doing. His mood was great and he had me listen to a song while he danced…

I fucking miss him so much.

And that’s about it. Yesterday was hard, waiting around to pack up and leave. Travel was easy and uneventful. The Boyfriend was waiting for me at the airport and gave me a really big hug.

Agenda for the day?! Get the stupid Adult Function Report done for my Disability case. The legal team wants it tomorrow. *le sigh* So much work.

And, of course, I’ll definitely feed my Minecraft addiction. Maybe take a nap.