Recovery from Addiction is a mountainous climb that involves many treacherous situations. One wrong move and you’re sliding down that slippery slope back to the bottom. I’m addicted to nicotine, but I won’t say that I fully understand other addictions. I believe I have a good enough grasp of it, based on the research and neuro-scientific evidence out there (some of which is covered in the Recovery Program we’re in). The Boyfriend’s addictive substance… is fucking everywhere. It’s not something that’s easy to take away physically, and that sucks SO damn much.

Case in point… yesterday, he’d mentioned watching Kruzadar videos on YouTube. For some reason, the monitoring app didn’t pick up the YouTube app, so I looked at his browsing history on the Server PC.

Damnit. And he was doing SO well, too. Took pictures from 3-4 days prior and left it at that for the day. I really needed to process it on my own before bringing it up to him, because… well, I’ll be honest, I was fucking pissed. Yet again. You see… I’m aware that this addiction shit is hard to overcome. That’s why we’re in this Recovery Program together. I know that slip-ups can happen. But I want to be TOLD about them. That’s why we have nightly check-ins… so that when something happens, we talk through it. I can handle that. Does it suck? Fuck yeah. But I know it’s a thing we have to deal with, so it doesn’t suck as bad.

I despise being lied to. I don’t care HOW good things are going, I want to be told the truth (preferably immediately, but no later than that evening’s check-in). Hiding it and lying about it just makes that sucker punch of finding it out later 50x worse. It breaks my heart – literally causing it physical pain.

He said he was glad that I found it and brought it up, that he was deeply disappointed in himself – both because it even happened and because he didn’t “reprogram” like he’s been taught. Silver lining in these incidents is that he actually learns just how fucking hard this addiction is, how badly it’s hijacked his brain, and how much he really needs to pay attention and do the work the Recover Program teaches.

Meanwhile… I’m left in pieces once again. Really makes me wish I’d confronted him earlier in the day instead of taking a nap and missing out on the Women’s Support Group. But it is what it is. I didn’t have the emotional capacity and I’m being gentle and forgiving of myself.

Just wish it didn’t leave a stain on my mood, because we have a social gathering at Curly’s today. *grabs the mask* Fake it till you become it, I guess.