In light of my last post and the event surrounding it, I’ve sat pondering what it is that I truly need. I am the Broken Woman, and have been for decades, despite how much time and effort I’ve put in to fix myself (over and over again), to pick up those repeatedly broken pieces and put them back together. The sad thing I’ve realized is that there is a pattern. And that pattern is this: men have been the ones to break me. I’ve lost female friends, but I’ve moved on. I have not once encountered a woman that has held a place in my heart and betrayed it. I wonder why, but… I’m sure there’s a deeper psychological explanation that I’m not privy to right now (and don’t much feel like researching, honestly).
My apologies, but it’s gonna be a long one…
My father was the first man to break my spirit, my heart, my trust, my respect, literally every fiber of my being. To my own experience and knowledge, this started around age 5 (my mother says it began at 6 months old). I suppressed that betrayal until well into my late 30’s. However, from age 7 until only a couple of years ago (when I went No Contact), his toxicity and abuse broke me over and over again. It was a lifelong breaking that formed the very core of who I am, for better or worse.
Then, I married Gravity. We had a son together. His toxic abuse and neglect came in the form of “control.” He accused me of cheating so many times, for so long and hard, that I came within a hairs breadth of proving him right – with his best friend. Instead, I left him. And because of our son, I endured his bullshit and continue to do so to this very day.
Not long after that, I met and dated – in secret, off and on, for 2 years – a man that would eventually break my heart out of his own fear of having someone worth fighting for – Darryl. And, just when he was ready to commit to having something real with me, I met The Dementor. I denied Darryl’s request to try again, because he’d already broken my heart and proven himself unsafe. A month into my relationship with The Dementor, we had a trauma bond over the death of one of my friends (motorcycle wreck where he passed away right in front of our eyes). Our toxic relationship lasted 4 years as a “romantic couple” and 5 years beyond that as “friends with benefits” because I just couldn’t let him go (Hooray for codependency!). And when I finally broke things off with him… it broke me in such a hard way that my entire psyche fractured. I now live with Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder and Anhedonia.
And here I am today, speaking on my current relationship with The Boyfriend, who wrapped me up into a life-saving fantasy that shattered beyond my comprehension for months before the Ultimate Betrayal came to light. Just over a year and a half we’ve been officially dating and I feel as though I’ve lived 2 whole decades. I went from pondering my own death, to having my heart beat with hope again, to being completely dropped and confused as to why, coming dangerously close to ending my life, to the discovery of Betrayal because of his addiction, to fighting hard for our relationship, encountering relapse and lies, to trying even harder to make things work, and finally where I am today… broken and wondering if it’s worth the repeated confusion, the effort it takes on my part to overcome all the shitty aspects of pain I had never encountered to this point, or the massive amount of risk I have to take to even TRY to trust again.
So yeah… I’m thinking long and hard about what I need.
As part of this process, I decided to peruse the saved reels I have on my Facebook, in a folder titled with The Boyfriend’s name. Any time I encounter something that’s really deep and moving, that reflects how I feel regarding our relationship, I save it for later – since he is not allowed social media during the entirety of the Recovery Program.
And thus, I am going to transcribe a few of them, because I really want them to be written down where I can reference them later. Each and every one of these videos is vitally important and truly resonates with me. I will only change the language to fit my situation if it is necessary for relatability. I’ll also provide the name of the page I got it from, as that’s the best I can do to reference them currently.
Video 1 (Mitch Mullins): “Things I really want to ask. Am I important to you? Are you comfortable with me? Do you love me as much as I do you? Do you like talking to me? Are you afraid of losing me?”
Video 2 (Cole DaSilva): “You should not love your partner in your love language. You should love them in theirs. If your love language is Quality Time and their love language is Acts of Service, you need to love them by giving them or showing them through Acts of Service. They need to love you by giving you that Quality Time. Trying to love your partner in the way that you would like to receive love in your love language is not going to make them feel validated and seen.”
Video 3 (Clarity with Clint): “It’s not that she can’t forgive you. It’s that she still doesn’t feel safe. You apologized. You said, ‘I know I messed up. I want to do better.’ But apologies don’t erase patterns. And when patterns repeat, apologies start to feel manipulative. She’s not cold. She’s cautious. Because after years of hurt, your words aren’t enough. You want her to trust again, but she’s still watching your nervous system. Do you shut down when she gets real? Do you defend instead of hear? Do you make it about you when she tries to talk? That’s not repair. That’s re-wounding. The thing is… she still wants to feel close to you. But emotional safety has to come before closeness. She can’t rebuild intimacy if her body’s bracing for impact. Consistency. Regulation. Emotional availability. That’s what repair looks like. Not a better apology. A better pattern.”
Video 4 (Colton Black): “The truth is, the minute she has to ask for flowers, she doesn’t want them any more. The same goes for attention, love, affection, gratitude… because as soon as she asks, it’s coming from her, not from you.”
Video 5 (Brandon Talks Marriage): “Here are three things to never say to your wife (girlfriend/significant other). The first one: I forgot. If you’re routinely telling your wife that you don’t remember what she said, that communicates to her you weren’t paying attention, what she said wasn’t important to you, and you don’t plan on keeping your word. The second thing is stop saying: I’m sorry. Your wife doesn’t want you to be sorry, she wants you to understand how your actions impacted her. It’s called VALIDATION. Instead of, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.’ Switch to, ‘Wow, it sounds like what I did is really impacting you. I’d love to hear what’s going on.’ Do you see the difference? And the third thing to never say to your wife is: I’ll try better next time. Your wife doesn’t care if you try better next time. She doesn’t want there to be a next time. How do you guarantee that happens? You pause long enough this time to reflect why you were doing what you were doing, how it impacted her, and what you can do instead. Instead of, ‘I’ll try better next time.’ Swap it with, ‘I see your heart and I’m thankful we had this conversation. I have clarity about this now.’”
Video 6 (Jimmy on Relationships): “If you have a tendency to shut down during conflict, and I know you don’t normally watch videos like these, so I’ll be super quick. If you get overwhelmed during conflict and you go silent and you just want to run away, here’s what I know about you. 1: it was never safe to express emotions in childhood, was it? Healthy conflict wasn’t modeled for you. You dealt with things alone and your big emotions were treated as burdens or, at the very least, you learned expressing feelings is worthless. It was always safer to just suppress. 2: during a conflict now, things feel out of control. It doesn’t feel like your words are gonna make any difference to them feeling better, plus you might say the wrong thing and it get used against you somehow. You really do wish you could get it right, but you don’t know how. Here’s all I’m asking… if you’re feeling overwhelmed, they probably are too. So, just be bold enough to talk about it. There’s nothing wrong with needing a break during conflict. What makes all the difference between immaturity and maturity and disconnection and connection is are you taking space to calm down with the intent to come back together and repair and reconnect after an agreed upon time, or are you just avoiding? Because that jut makes them feel abandoned. Which I know you don’t want.”
Video 7 (Echoes Within): “One day, I hope it hits you – I stayed when walking away would’ve been easier. I wasn’t just loving you; I was choosing you, over and over, even when you gave me reasons not to. I saw the good in you, forgave the pain, and held on long after I should have let go But instead of gratitude, you offered excuses. Instead of effort, you gave me silence. I never wanted to fix you – I only wanted you to care enough to fix yourself. So when the day comes that I stop trying, don’t mistake it for coldness. I didn’t stop loving you… I simply started loving myself more.”
Video 8 (Blossom Heart): “How is she supposed to fix her attitude if you keep doing the same things that hurt her. The way you treat a woman is how she’s gonna act. You can’t expect peace if all you give her is pain. She’s not crazy, she’s reacting. She’s not cold, she’s protecting herself. She’s tired of being hurt and blamed for it. If you want her to be soft, be gentle. If you want her to trust you, be honest. If you want her to stay, make her feel safe. You can’t ignore her feelings and expect her to smile through it. She wants effort, not excuses. Time, not empty promises. Attention, not silence. When you don’t listen, she shuts down. When you don’t show up, she stops expecting. When you don’t change, she starts walking away. A woman gets tired, too. Tired of repeating herself. Tired of feeling alone in the relationship. Tired of carrying the love by herself. If she’s always the one fixing things, eventually she’ll realize she deserves better. She’ll stop arguing. She’ll stop caring. She’ll go quiet. And that silence will be your warning, because once her heart checks out, there’s no coming back. Treat her right, before it’s too late.”
Video 9 (Joshua Rogers): “She got upset because of your actions. You got upset because of her reaction to your actions. That’s not the same thing. Stop twisting it like she’s the one creating negativity just because she’s holding you accountable. That’s not fair to her. And don’t gaslight her by saying all she wants to do is argue, when she’s just trying to tell you how your choices make her feel. That’s not communication, that’s manipulation. And that’s the kind of behavior that leaves her feeling unheard and unseen. You can’t hurt someone, dismiss their pain, and then act like you’re the victim for being called out. That’s not how empathy works. That’s not strength, that’s avoidance. And avoidance will slowly destroy the trust you need to stay connected. Own up to what you did. Because accountability isn’t an attack, it’s an act of respect. It’s the only path to trust. And without it, the relationship will always feel unsafe.”
Video 10 (Jay Jay Douglas): “I can’t even lie to you. I gave you all of me. I gave you all of me. Not the filter version, not the one that looks healed on Instagram. I’m talking about the version that still flinches when love gets too close, because I’m still learning to accept what real love it and that I shouldn’t be afraid of it, even though what I’ve been through in the past tells me to be afraid of it. The one that still believed that maybe this time it would be safe. I gave you the me that don’t come around too often. The me that listens. The me that forgives. That me that tries again and again when my heart says stop. I gave you the me that I don’t even give to myself sometimes. And you know what’s crazy? You didn’t even have to ask for it. I just thought love meant to show up no matter what and I actually still believe that, because I understand what love is now, but now I see showing up for somebody who keeps disappearing isn’t love, it’s self betrayal. You said you want it real, but you couldn’t handle raw. You wanted my peace, but couldn’t handle my process. And I kept thinking, ‘if I love harder, you will love better.’ But love don’t work like that. It don’t grow where respect is missing. I can’t lie. I held you down even when holding you down was pulling me under. I kept trying to explain my worth to somebody who was never planning to understand it. That’s how you lose yourself. Slowly. Explaining what real ones just feel, but here’s the truth: I’m not even mad no more. I learned something heavy, but freeing. Giving you all of me wasn’t the mistake. Giving it to you was. Because I realized my love don’t need to prove itself to be pure. It just needs to be protected. So yeah, I gave you all of me. But this new version? This next version? This one selective. This one knows that ‘being real’ don’t mean staying where you’re being drained. And if my love ever feels too much for the wrong person, that just means it’s finally the right amount for me.
Video 11 (Clarity with Clint): “She’s not done loving you. She’s done loving for both of you. She stopped asking for more. That’s not peace. It’s defeat. You think things are ‘better’ because she stopped bringing it up? She’s just exhausted. Years of unmet needs… of explaining the same thing over and over… of begging for presence, empathy, effort. And being told she’s asking for too much. So she stopped asking. Not because she’s content, but because she feels broken. You see silence. She feels grief. You see less conflict. She feels less hope. You stopped trying. She stopped talking. That’s not repair. That’s resignation. She used to cry. Now she just goes quiet. Not because it doesn’t hurt, but because she knows you won’t do anything different. This is what emotional shutdown creates: Disconnection that looks calm… but feels like loss. Don’t confuse her silence with satisfaction. She still loves you, but she’s learning how to love herself more.”
Video 12 (Soulxsigh): “I wanna see you win with or without me. Get everything that you deserve. And become the person you wanna be. I wanna see you on top, living your best life and being the person you told me you wanted to be. I’ll always be proud of you.”
Video 13 (Adam Cam): “People with low emotional intelligence are not gonna like what I’m about to say… If you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t be talking to anyone who likes you, liked you, or has had you in the past. Not because you’re ‘not allowed’ to. Not because you’re being controlled or your partner’s insecure. But because you respect the relationship enough not to create any doubt or uncertainty that shouldn’t even be there in the first place. You see, being loyal isn’t just about what you do, it’s what you refuse to entertain. And the moment you start engaging with people who you know would cross a line with you the moment they could, you’ve already blurred those lines and stepped outside your relationship emotionally. So, if you value the person you are with, protect what you have with them. Make it easy for them to feel safe with you. Prioritize their peace of mind and close those doors you have no business leaving open. Because being faithful in a relationship isn’t just about physical monogamy, it’s about emotional integrity.
Video 14 (Nancy Grace): “You ever notice how after an argument or trigger, men and women land in two totally emotional universes? I continue to learn this, and I have learned this the hard way. As a man, my nervous system is built like a reset button. I can step away, I can take a breath, go for a drive, hit the gym, and boom! Cortisol level drops, my stress is gone, my body settles and I’m like, ‘Alright, I’m good, let’s move forward.’ But being in a relationship with women, far as my mom, sisters, my partner, even working professionally with tons of women, taught me something my logical brain didn’t see at first. Moving on quickly is a masculine nervous system privilege. A woman’s body doesn’t shift out of stress mode just because the argument is over. When she feels disconnected, misunderstood, or emotionally unsafe, her cortisol skyrockets. And then the thing she needs most is oxytocin, which drops. Without oxytocin, her body can’t regulate, no matter how much her mind wants to. So when I say things like, ‘Babe, it’s fine, let’s move on.’ What I didn’t realize was that I was asking her nervous system to do something it physically could not do yet. And once I understood that, everything changed. Because women don’t reset through logic, they reset through connection. Their nervous system comes back online through things that are oxytocin related. So being seen without defensiveness, soft tone, reassurance, gentle touch, slowing down, presence, empathy, just safety in your body. These are all oxytocin practices and that’s the real medicine. So now, instead of trying to fix it or speed up the process, I just learned to do something way more powerful. I just stay. I soften. In a whole field instead of pushing the finish line. I just let her know I’m here. And tell her, ‘You’re not too much. Your feelings matter. We’ll move forward when you’re regulated and not rushed.’ And every single time, I have watched her nervous system melt back into safety. Not because we solved an argument perfectly, but because she no longer feels alone in it. And men reset quickly. Women just reset deeply. And when we understand that, conflict stops being this battlefield and becomes a path back to closeness. That’s emotional intelligence. That’s polarity. That’s love.”
Ugh, that’s so much listening, pausing, typing, playing, rinse and repeat. I skipped a few to put that last one in because it’s legit the most important one to me out of all of these, and the others that I plan to do tomorrow (maybe). There’s a lot, I’m sorry. 😛
I truly do want and need all of the emotionally intelligent and loving things that these videos so eloquently reveal. I want to be loved in MY love language (Words of Affirmation) and more. I want to be respected, cherished, treating lovingly, prioritized, and feel emotionally safe. And? I want all of that, and more, with The Boyfriend. I want him to be the one that earns back my trust and love, the things I gave him willingly in the beginning. I want him to love me as much as I used to love him, before it all went to shit (which is fully on him). I want to be appreciated for sticking through the visceral pain he’s put me through and the strength I’ve had to garner to keep going despite that. I want to be chosen – Every. Single. Day. I want to know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that I am the most important person in his life and he wants to build a future together.
Anyway, I hope that some of this will bring clarity to someone with regards to their own situations. I hope it does the same for mine, but… it is what it is, now.
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