Yesterday started off really well for me, talking on the phone with my mom about all sorts of things. I wanted to share a couple of them with The Boyfriend, when he finally came downstairs. He prepared a bowl of cereal and I excitedly asked if we could talk. While standing at the bottom of the stairs, he rushed me with, “What did you wanna talk about?” I could tell he didn’t really want to listen, so I told him it was more of a sit down thing and to just go ahead and go do whatever. I sat down at the table and he promptly went upstairs. I felt pretty hurt that he didn’t seem to care and just wanted to get things over with, maybe not even listen at all. I sank deep and did my best not to cry from the abandonment (failed at that a bit).

He came back down within half an hour, rinsed his bowl out, and sat across the table from me, asking again what I wanted to talk about. I told him how what he’d said and done made me feel and that I didn’t even want to talk about the stuff my mom and I discussed any more. Silence for a bit. I asked him to tell me how he’s feeling, and he honestly told me that he didn’t really care what my mom had to say. I told him that it wasn’t about that, that I really just wanted him to care and want to listen to me, no matter what I had to talk about. More silence, so I told him I think we needed a break and he said something rudely about losing his momentum and stormed off.

I went to the bathroom and sobbed for a while with that. Tried my best to work on the Teddy Blocks I was building, but eventually I just got too tired and decided to go take a nap in my room, with the door shut. This was around 11am, I didn’t wake up and get out of bed until after 2pm (I think). The Boyfriend was still in the office doing whatever, so I went back downstairs and sat on the couch to start a grocery pickup order, texting him to ask about a specific thing on the list. He texted back, but came downstairs. Eventually, I finished that and we sat mostly in silence until I made French Toast for us. More silence, then he decided to go upstairs and shower. And that was the extent of the time he spent with me all day. I texted to ask if he was avoiding me and he responded that he had just wanted to shower (and it felt good). I dropped it, because the shower isn’t what I was talking about at all.

He did come back down and let me know that the guitar teaching session he had planned got rescheduled. I don’t remember what else happened, just that I went upstairs at some point to play video games.

During check-in later, I had the pleasure (sarcasm) of pondering what I’m really worth, not just in the context of being a whole person that exists, but specifically in my relationship with The Boyfriend. I’m grateful that he shared his thoughts/feelings with me, because I rarely get much of that. But it was really difficult to hear and made me realize that – sometimes – he measures my worth monetarily, and grows resentful. He says he believes me about being disabled, but that I could get and hold a job… nothing physically strenuous, of course. Never mind that my mental health is literally in the dumps and I get overwhelmed easily, especially with all the land mines (triggers) I’ve had added because of Betrayal Trauma, on top of a lifetime of other traumas. We discussed quite a lot of things and I was left feeling like I wasn’t worth a damn and that the relationship is still in question, despite the productive talk we’d had the night before.

At any rate, I had a pretty horrible day mentally and emotionally. We started the Meditation stuff before bed, and eventually got settled in for sleep. As usual, he left in the night and went to his own bed. I had weird dreams and woke up in not the best mood, but not horrible either. As I finish, The Boyfriend got up and went downstairs, not even a good morning in passing.

I’m just… so tired of existing like this. I’m tired of being the patient, forgiving, supportive, loving, considerate, compassionate, understanding person in this relationship. I’m tired of not being loved and supported when I express my emotions. I’m monumentally jealous of the couples that have succeeded in getting past the emotionally stunted and immature bullshit to a place with deep empathy and growing love… I want that, too. But it’s so fucking hard to keep going like this, you know? I have been as selfless as I can my entire life, through shitty relationships, and I’m just sick of not getting the same considerations in return. I want that happiness, too.