Last Saturday I posted some journal prompts from the women’s group I attend and got the first one done, but didn’t have the bandwidth or time to get to the other 2. I will make a solid attempt to do those now.
Prompt 2: Why are you angry?
As I mentioned before, I have a LOT to be angry about, so this might be lengthy. It may also seem disjointed, because we were told to just write, no matter what comes out. It’s difficult for me to do that when I’m feeling pretty mentally/emotionally exhausted, so… apologies in advance?! 😅
I am angry at the state of the world and society/humanity as a whole, but that’s overshadowed by the smaller environment that is my immediate world. The things out there seem far away and ethereal, whereas the things close to home permeate everything, my very existence and my perceived of quality of life.
I’m pretty pissed off about my physical health, having gone through this slow degradation for over a decade now. I’m always in pain, but I carry most of it in silence. I rarely have “good” days – where things hurt a little less, mostly have “normal” days – which are at levels that most people can’t fathom, and infrequently have “bad” days – ugh. Those suck royally, but thankfully those don’t come very often. I remember what life used to be like, even when I started having lower back pain that wasn’t much to write home about. I miss the things I used to be able to do, especially riding motorcycles. I don’t get as angry about all this as I used to, as I’ve had to consistently “get used to” new pains that add themselves to old ones, but… it’s a massive slap to the face and punch to the gut when I’m reminded that I have and continue to miss out on certain things – like traveling to a foreign country on my bucket list or being in the prime of my life (I’m almost 44 and feel like I’m 80). And I’m just so tired.
I’m pretty angry with myself because I’m in yet another relationship where I poured every fiber of my love and self into the other person and the relationship, only to end up in a place where I can see that they don’t feel the same about me. Granted, this time is different than when I was with Gravity or The Dementor, but… there’s a theme that permeates all of them that I just can’t ignore: I fall in love and commit all of myself to them and us, they stop trying/being the person I fell for, we fight/argue, a few good/decent things are scattered in here and there, I beg/plead/try harder/give more, they promise to do better but – even if they try – it doesn’t last, I cling to hope for far longer than I should, who I am slowly erodes away and I become a shell of myself, hope flickers and dies, and I end up breaking things off because I just can’t handle it any more… And, while I say that this one is different, it has still followed this same pattern, just in a far more condensed timeframe. The biggest difference is that I fell hard and the “good” times lasted about 4 months. It has been a rollercoaster of anger, pain, loss, and – dare I say – abuse the rest of the short time we’ve been together. I’m angry at the addiction he’s mired in for stealing away the good man that I know he is deep down, who he could be without it… if he just tried and stuck with it. I’m angry that I’m not strong enough any more to pick myself up and be the loving and supportive girlfriend that helps him through this, because I’m feckin tired of being that person to everyone else and constantly being let down when I need that, too.
I am angry – and it’s a real sucker punch to actually sit here and think about – how I have been let down – in some form or another – by almost everyone in my life. Last week, in EMDR, this sucker punch hit me square in the heart and I could only think of one, single person that’s been a constant and reliable human in my life… I cried and it has been on my mind ever since.
I’m really angry at/about and hate my father. To this day, calling him that makes my guts wrench, because – even though I’ve sort of processed and come to terms with that – it still hurts. He still doesn’t deserve the title. He is, hands down, the biggest and most disappointing sub-par human to have existed in my world. I was reminded of this when I spent Easter at my mom and Aunt’s, where we eventually came to the topic of how abusive and toxic he was. My Aunt reminded me that he had asked her, “Why is she mad at me?!” and she retorted, “She isn’t mad at you. She’s hates your guts.” And he was legitimately clueless as to why. It made me remember that I have a 10+ page cathartic letter I want to send to him so he might actually get a clue… not that I care or think it would help.
There are so many more things that I am angry about. I suppose I could sit down and write out a lifetime timeline and make a ginormous list of these things, but… I’ve hit my limit on that, and writing in general, for now.
Next time?! Prompt 3: Put your crown on and ask yourself how you feel. Basically, what would happen if you did this and the answer is, “I don’t want this any more.” Write about that. Then ask why again. Write about that, and so on.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 