The desperation and despair I feel when I finally accept that the person I gave my heart to doesn’t feel the same – or anything close, for that matter – is palpable. When I’ve poured my entire heart out, set myself ablaze, and shed an ocean of tears… only to be met with cold indifference… it really wears me down. And this isn’t QUITE Déjà Vu, of course, because some of the aspects of this living nightmare are different… like how long it took me to accept, the level of toxicity in the person I love, and how stupid I feel for allowing myself to be duped (yet again). And, of course, that desperation (to be loved equally in return) and despair (at the knowledge that – yet another – man doesn’t).

But the key similarities are: I fell hard for them (or rather, who they presented themselves to be in the beginning), I let my entire being be consumed with love for them, and then I allowed my heart to be completely ripped out, shredded, and the pieces crushed into a fine dust that blew away with the wind.

This week has been rough. I made a breakthrough in EMDR with the specific Anhedonia/Dementor incident. It wasn’t fun (far from it), but it WAS productive… if difficult. And then Ketamine on Thursday?! I’ve been emotionally raw without much time to do anything but think about my relationship with The Boyfriend, when we haven’t been busy with other shite.

He worked Sun-Tue. I had 3 appointments Wednesday, which gave him more than half a day of alone time. I had Ketamine Thursday morning, which also gave him half a day of alone time, plus the time I needed for a nap, then we had D&D that evening. He worked half of Friday on Disclosure before dinner/game night that evening. Then, he spent almost the entire day today in his office doing more Disclosure work, a video call with the men’s coach about said Disclosure work, a 2.5 hr phone call with his sister (part of which was with me in the women’s group call – for an hour). And then we watched some Pantheon episodes.

Check-in sucked. The Boyfriend finally got to hear my worst thoughts and feelings… the ones I was too afraid to voice until tonight. In a nutshell: I believe/feel he doesn’t love me like a girlfriend. He hasn’t treated me like one, either. He cares about me like he would any other “friend” he has… but that’s it. And I believe/feel that he wants me to be happy, but to do so without him. That he wants Disclosure to be so brutal that I end the relationship, thus making it easy for him to be alone and not have to put in the work and effort it takes to maintain a romantic relationship (with me). I confessed that I want to see him succeed (at overcoming this addiction, etc), to grow, and to find happiness… even if that means without me. But I also WANT to be the one that makes him happy and helps him grow into the potential I believe he has. And… that I also know I can’t MAKE him love me, nor force myself into his life.

I honestly think that I’ve finally lost the last vestiges of hope that I was clinging to. Our last real check-in (2 days prior) made me really process and throw away the idea that I’m worth it. I mean… he hasn’t shown me that I am. In fact, he’s done the opposite. And sure, he saved my life, rescued me from poverty, and moved me and my cats in with him… but so what?! We’re coming up on our 2 year anniversary and so far… only 4 total months of our relationship has felt great/safe (most of that in the beginning, a little due to Ketamine).

And all he had to say after I word vomited, cried, and said I was done was, “I’m sorry that I’ve allowed you to feel that way about me. I know I haven’t inspired much trust in you.” Pfft… obviously, that made me cry more. And when I was finally able to look at him, he was on his got damned phone. The abject rage that welled up inside me that he could say those words and then f*ck it right off by getting on his phone?! I had to actively and consciously practice breathing, so as not to explode. I finally asked what he was doing and he told me he was looking at stickers (he can make them from pictures… and that was probably a lie, but who knows any more, certainly not me).

I guess he got the hint, because he did put his phone away, but we sat there in silence until I looked at him again and realized he had passed out. So, I said with as much calm purpose as I could muster, “Why don’t you go to bed?” And had to repeat myself because me speaking had merely woken him up.

He got up from the couch, walked over to me, and leaned over to hug me, but I didn’t return the sentiment. I just sat there with my arms in my lap and started silently crying again.

And then he stood up and went upstairs.

Naturally, I cried harder.

And that was that, I guess. No confirmation or denial in the observations I made and voiced. And, I don’t know about you, but to me – that tends to mean they’re guilty af and just don’t have the balls to say so.

Then again, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he just needs to let me stew in my suffering while he processes everything and maybe – just maybe – he will bring it up and assuage my fears… or not.

Either way, I’m pretty numb and empty now. Idk what I’m fighting so hard for any more… other than for the person I took a final chance on to make good on the promises he made in the beginning, the promises he’s broken throughout our relationship, and the growth I know he’s capable of… if he really wanted to. Guess I’ll have to throw that dream in the bin (again), though, eh?

😑😮‍💨🙄

Imma do a slep now…