I guess I’m feeling it today, whatever “it” is that’s inspired me to blog on a random Friday 😅 I mean… I’m not even sure how many weeks I’ve barely done the “Monday Mark” posts (i.e. backdated posting), but it’s been quite a while since I blogged anything outside of those…

A lot of why I haven’t blogged is due to being too exhausted and unmotivated. Even now, I’m tired in all the ways and my brain is over-clocked trying to do all the words and stuff lol.

🤔 Things with The Boyfriend have been fairly mundane, lately, at least on the surface. We restarted the Recovery Program and that’s going almost as slow as the first go-round. He says he’s committed to doing it right this time, but… there hasn’t been much evidence to the contrary. I’m not saying there’s NO evidence… just that I guess I’m understandably skeptical?! He stays in bed really late on his days off and – because our Program Work is scheduled for 10am and he is supposed to initiate it – he’s missed that deadline pretty much every time.

He did do really well the other day when I was having a not-so-great mental/emotional health day and expressing suspicion about a couple things. I was quite surprised at his response to all that, which was completely abnormal. And it’s so weird having a decent response instead of automatic defensiveness and deflection. It did help me feel somewhat better, instead of monumentally worse, but I still found it difficult to come to terms with that difference.

Yesterday was a pretty decent day, too. I’ll just say that it started off with *wink wink* – which hasn’t happened in over a year (bc he took it off the table immediately after our Florida trip). So, first time in a long time. The rest of the day was Program Work, his therapy, watching “The Mighty Nein,” and D&D. Check-in was super late (obvs) and ran longer than [he] wanted. I ended up going to bed feeling really annoyed, partly because of the “compromise” we discussed (I conceded on something important to me that doesn’t even blip his radar) and partly because of a random comment he made about the nightly Magnesium gummies we take (bc I need something stronger, he only takes it cuz it tastes good).

And those 2 minor annoyances sent me on a fast-tracked spiral into the Void of Despair, which was only stopped because I fell asleep. Ugh.

As for my own stuff… I’m still struggling hard with the medication change from Trintellix to Bupropion. I’m at the end of the first week of the 2nd month, on a higher dose this month, with 3 more weeks for it to truly kick in/start working. I’m not a fan of having to fight so hard to survive my own brain every day, even though I’ve been doing it most of my life. The f*cked thing is that, while on Trintellix, I didn’t really see how it was helping much. But, a couple days after stopping?! Oh… ooooooh… ok, so it brought out a buffer zone for the Void of Despair. Gotcha. So, basically, my baseline was brought up a little and leveled out. Even though it wasn’t much… not having that any more was significantly noticeable.

Thankfully, I have Ketamine next week. I really want it to start working on long-term stuff, but… I’m not sure if it’s capable of that for my brain?! I have a lifetime full of traumas and a current relationship that’s consistently been stress-inducing (haha, to put it mildly) for 2 damn years… that’s a lot of shite to fight against, ya know? I’m thinking about scheduling a regular therapy session with the Ketamine treatment people so they have a better understanding of what I’m coming to the table with, what they have to treat.

Oh! The Boyfriend’s sister (nickname TBD) finally accepted my FB friend request (I sent it like… 2 years ago? Totally forgot lol). She apologized for not seeing it sooner and we’ve chatted some over messenger the last few days. We’re going to visit her (and fanily) in Canada next month, for her 50th birthday/party. I’m not really nervous about it, either, surprisingly enough. More curious to finally meet her, because The Boyfriend holds her in such high regard. So, there’s all that and we will be staying in Niagara Falls on the way, which is a bucket list item for me.

(In Parting – A Side Quest: I’m really getting the itch to reveal the type of addiction The Boyfriend is dealing with, bc I’m tired of being so vague about it… but also bc I want to shout from the rooftops about how shite it is… unfortunately, I have to have his permission to do so, since it’s technically a privacy issue on his part, so… we shall see?)