A theme I’ve been seeing a lot lately is that one must “love themselves first” before they can love anyone else… and there sure are a lot of fancy quotes floating around out there that reinforce this…

“It is only when you have mastered the art of loving yourself that you can truly love others.” – Robin Sharma

“To love others you must first love yourself.” – Leo Buscaglia

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” Charles Bukowski

“You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you.” Dodinski

“You’ve got to love yourself first. You’ve got to be ok on your own before you can be ok with somebody else.” Jennifer Lopez

I seriously have to question the validity of all that. Now, I’m not saying that loving yourself is a bad thing, not in the slightest. I agree that it is healthy to learn to love yourself. However… what I’m finding difficult is that I “must” love myself before I have the capacity to love others…

I call bullshit…

Even in my darkest moments of self-loathing and deep, definitely-NOT-love for myself, the love I have for my son is there. It is unconditional. The love I have for my boyfriend, my cats, my chosen family and friends… Always. There. I am fully capable of loving others without fully, or even partially, loving myself, so… what’s the deal with that shite?!

I haven’t quite put my finger on it since my brain is pretty exhausted and hasn’t been capable of connecting the dots as easily as usual. But I DO know, deep down, that it’s a cart-load of bullshit that the flies of “toxic positivity” keep swarming. And I’m not feeding on it cuz I’m definitely not one of THOSE flies. I see the shit for what it is, tyvm.

All the same, I DID run across a much better quote that feels ALMOST perfect:

“Many people say you have to love yourself first before you can love others, but really, if you learn to love others, you will learn to love yourself.” – Brianna Wiest

I can mostly agree with that one, because it fits “better,” buuuuuut… it just doesn’t quite reach the pinnacle of truth I’m looking for.

Oh! And here’s one that I agree AND disagree with:

“How you love yourself teaches others how to love you.” Rupi Kaur

While I agree that how you love yourself CAN teach others to respect your boundaries and other such things, and yes – how to love you (because being aware of how you feel loved is tantamount)… I disagree that it is set in stone. For instance, my boyfriend… I am able to and do love him, despite how much I can see that he does not love himself sometimes. I see things in him that he doesn’t see in or believe about himself. I recognize his beautiful core being, the skills he possesses, and his potential for growth – and love all of that, as well. So, no matter how badly he feels about himself (i.e. NOT loving himself “first”), I love him. And this love I have is across the board for anyone and everyone I love and care about. 

I believe that we, as individuals that find it difficult (sometimes impossible) to love ourselves… truly NEED others to love us, to show us the good parts that we forget about, to build us up to a place where we’re ABLE to love ourselves.

So, idk… maybe we need a healthy balance of both?! Maybe when the deck is stacked against us, when our shitty brains sabotage our self-esteem… we need the love and support from outside ourselves FIRST?! And our ability to love others despite not loving ourselves is a venerable way of supporting others who are in the same fuckin boat. MAYBE, just maybe… there is no need for a “first” here. Maybe we can go around loving others while simultaneously learning to love ourselves. IMAGINE how much better off we’d all be if everyone worked on both of things!

Ope… made a song pop into my head…

“Imagine” by John Lennon