I hate the phrase “daddy issues,” but… even though it’s more often derogatory than not, it exists with a specific – vaild?! – meaning (still hate it). The term implies that a woman may have difficulty trusting men, forming healthy relationships, or setting boundaries, potentially due to past experiences with her father, which can lead to various challenges, including low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting, and seeking validation from others. 

Side Quest: Listen. I really love Anya from Spy X Family. So yeah, I use (and will continue to do so) quite a few GIFs featuring her, especially this one. She might be my spirit animal, lol.

If you’ve read my previous entries, you already know I suffer from “daddy issues” (ugh). The Plague was a horrid, toxic, abusive monster, causing all the things described in the first paragraph and then some. My hatred for the phrase probably stems from it sounding infantilizing. I very much abhor “daddy” being used the way it is these days and (full offense) feel quite a lot of pity for the women that get off calling their partner that, let alone any man that wants to be referred to in that way. It screams “unresolved trauma” on both sides. Now, don’t get me wrong… while I do feel this way, the deepest core of it is from empathy. I can see how a woman could manage to get to this point, psychologically, and truly wish that – instead of internalizing and sexually fantasizing these issues – they would get therapy and find healthy coping mechanisms to heal all that unresolved trauma.

But the point of today’s inner monologue is that I have a SERIOUSLY shitty history with choosing (toxic) men – and a lot of that is due to my unresolved issues with The Plague. I’m just as guilty of having all these issues and not coping in healthy ways, but I’m working on that.

If I seem scatterbrained, please do a forgive. TMI – Aunt Flo and her Wallpaper Gnomes (lol – my period) decided to surprise attack me at 2:30am this morning and I’m in a 0/5 Stars kinda mood. Unfortunately, because of all the nerve issues, this causes my pain to spike well beyond “normal” (and “normal” for me is an average of 7 on the pain scale). To say that it derails my already crappy concentration abilities is a serious understatement. The struggle is real, folks. I really am making a solid attempt to do a self-reflect here, but it’s proving difficult.

The Boyfriend is also sick and working from home, which is in our shared office space. I’m technically the invader in this scenario, so I’m trying not to be too disturbing.

Speaking of The Boyfriend… I’ll be blunt – I question my choice sometimes (given my history). It’s difficult to say that, knowing that he reads my blog (because he’s being supportive), but… he told me something a few days ago that give me a bit of courage to be able to speak my mind. I wrote a post for a support group on Facebook that we both belong to. This included a lot of how I felt about the Betrayal Trauma he caused (ope… cat’s outta the bag now, lol) and the entirety of that whole thing. He had messaged that he was reading it and I got really anxious about that… specifically saying *insert nervous anxiety* haha. He responded: “No need for anxiety love. I value your input even if it’s critical of me.”

And it’s shit like that that makes me question my own stupid brain and why I doubt my choice in him, ya know?

Our relationship isn’t perfect by any means, but… I didn’t fall in love with him for no reason. He’s human and he’s struggling with a lot, but at his core he is a really great guy. He has a big heart and a wicked sense of humor (I die laughing quite a lot), loves cats, is a feminist (yay equality!), and when he’s not sunk deep into the self-loathing hole… he actually listens, self-reflects, discusses things with me, and even apologizes. Granted, this is a far cry from several months of fighting and severe disconnection, but I’m really fucking proud of how far he’s already come and in such a short time.

So… I feel like my “Bad Taste in Men” era still has some residual shit to be worked on (fuckin daddy issues), but… I’m legitimately starting to look forward to growing WITH him, something that the men in my past are/were wholly incapable of.

Ew… I did another “positive”… Dr. Phil (previous therapist’s nickname, lol) would be shocked and probably faint. 😛