Disclaimer: Talks of Unaliving

Over my lifetime, I’ve had many moments of self-reflection. I say moments, but sometimes they’re more than that. Sometimes, I spend hours thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes, life throws things at me that hit so hard that I can’t help but ruminate on them for days on end.

The thing about self-reflection, though? It isn’t rainbows and glitter. It’s a deep dive into the chaotic shadows, a (sometimes violent) ripping apart of the perceived self, of who we think and believe we are. It’s messy and ugly, and it hurts… omg how it fucking hurts. Facing the inner demons that control our inward and outward existence is terrifying. Owning up to our faults elicits mountains of shame and guilt.

It isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes willpower, determination, and a concrete desire to BECOME someone with true integrity, empathy, and love. It’s taking the visceral pain and turning it into something beautiful, something worth sharing with the world. It’s fucking art, if you ask me.

But this artwork of the self? It’s absolutely vital in the journey towards healing and becoming a decent human. I can’t imagine existing in such a way that my demons inflict irreparable harm to others. Hatred, judgment, selfishness, verbal/physical/emotional abuse… spewing these (and many more) things on other people because I’M suffering? That’s a ride on the Nope Train to Fuckthatville.

So I’m here now, giving this revelation BECAUSE of all the horrible things I’ve had to endure at the hands and mouths of toxic assholes. I’ve experienced SO many painful things in my life, repeatedly and consistently, that it’s shaped me into who I am today… I took those shitty examples and displayed them prominently in my mind, to serve as reminders of who NOT to be, how to exist in the world and NOT cause suffering to others like they did to me.

None of this means that I’m perfect. I still make mistakes, there are times that I hurt others (though I do my utmost not to), and… I even hurt myself. I don’t mean that I intentionally, physically harm myself – I already suffer enough physical pain as is to want more of that. But… the choices I make in life, sometimes they rebound back to me and cause damage.

The crux of being human is in the fact that we make mistakes, but the REAL shit that makes us better is in how we respond to the mistakes we’ve made. It’s in how we pick ourselves up after being knocked into the dirt and mud, dust ourselves off, and put one foot in front of the other – again and again.

And believe me… it’s NEVER easy. I have had MANY moments where I’ve wanted to give up. Perma-Nap has entered my brain in these moments to the point where I have had to resort to drastic measures… either forcefully inside my own mind (imagining my son finding me dead – that’s sobered me up plenty of times, let me tell ya) or with desperation outside myself by “I NEED AN ADULT”-ing. This has happened as recently as last Xmas, and was – by far – the closest I’ve ever come to unaliving myself. I have to give deep gratitude for my friend GenGen in that moment, too. He’s been there, attempted unsuccessfully, and made it his life’s mission to be That Person when anyone needs it. I also have to be thankful that I was brave enough to tell him. He called me immediately and talked with me for over 2 hours, helping me come back from the precipice.

Whew. Sorry, I know that’s heavy. I’m feeling pretty heavy today. I cried in heartbroken agony again yesterday… the result of feeling utterly stupid for taking another chance on love, against my [better?] judgment. And yeah, that’s difficult for me to admit to, but here I am… doing a self-reflect. I value open honesty over lies to hide the truth to save someone from the pain that my feelings might cause – despite my previous statements of doing my best not to harm others. The thing about truth is… it hurts. It sucks major whale anus sometimes, but it’s the TRUTH. Lies only put a band-aid over the inevitable bullet wound and, when it’s finally ripped off, it causes more damage than the truth would have in the first place.

As such, I find myself reflecting on my relationship with The Boyfriend (as I’ve done numerous times since we started dating). At present, I’m disheartened, disappointed, and wallowing in the despair of my perceived stupidity. I’ve given everything I am to someone – yet again – and found myself wanting… confused and wondering how – yet again – someone could let my inherent value escape them. This doesn’t come from conceit, either. This comes from the decades of self-reflection and hard work I’ve done to become a person of deep integrity, empathy, and love. I truly believe that I’m a good person (not perfect). I love with my entire self.

Maybe that’s my own mistake, though. Because loving with my entire self means that I can be utterly destroyed by the person I chose to give that to. It’s choosing to be wholly vulnerable with them and allowing them the ability to make or break me.

In closing… I can’t even say that I hope I’m mistaken about what I mean to The Boyfriend (which, in my mind right now, is being loved as something “more than just friends”). Maybe he worded things badly in our conversation last night and I took it completely wrong? I have my doubts and intuition, but… who knows. C’est la Vie.