Exhausting. Frustrating. Disappointing. Unfulfilling.

“Patience is a virtue” – William Langland circa 1360 (poem: Piers Plowman)

Patience is considered a virtue because it allows individuals to endure difficulties, delays, or challenges without becoming anxious or reactive. It fosters inner strength, sound judgment, and better decision-making, ultimately leading to greater success and well-being. (so says Google AI)

Yep. I like this one better. Aristotle was a pretty smart dude, imho.

Today, I am pondering “patience” and it’s role in my life. I’ve mentioned in a previous entry that my son (who is autistic) is the main force that taught me patience, even though he has taught me so much more than that. Children can teach us many things if we have the maturity and empathy to pay attention and learn from them.

As I mentioned from the start, exercising patience IS exhausting, frustrating, disappointing, and oftentimes unfulfilling. Despite having a massive well of patience within myself, I’m fucking tired. I spent many years and loads of energy/time being patient while caring for my son (willingly, mind you). It required way beyond what’s considered “normal” for raising a child – because single mother and special needs kiddo. Then, add a combined 16 YEARS of suffering within 2 separate – very toxic – romantic relationships. And on top of THAT, having to endure long-suffering and inexorably declining emotional, mental, and physical issues? “Fucking tired” is a seriously gross understatement.

And I find myself, once again, in yet another romantic relationship where patience is not merely necessary, but vital. Now, don’t get me wrong… I am willingly dipping into this vast well of patience I’ve gained over the years. I have so much love and appreciation for The Boyfriend. I really WAS at the end of my rope when he came barreling in and demolished the entire fortress I’d built up around my heart. When I decided to give love one final chance [with him], I didn’t do so half-heartedly. I never do when it comes to loving and investing in a romantic partner… which is probably why I suffer so much.

The thing is… even though I am ABLE to exercise vast amounts of patience and be the “adult” when shit gets rough… I’d really like it if I could express all of the negative emotions that come up (anger, frustration, impatience). If I could just scream in anger, ugly-snot cry, and throw epic tantrums… and have the person I chose, the one I need and want and love the most, be patient with me?! To actually have someone treat me with as much patience, understanding, love, and empathy as I give? Pfft.

So yeah… I’m really struggling with this patience thing lately because of how much emotional pain I’ve been through in the short time I’ve been in this romantic relationship with The Boyfriend. It was a whirlwind of passion, excitement, and love in the beginning. Yes, we were friends for years, but barely talked (because life, I guess?!), and then suddenly we’re gaming together and talking constantly. Both of us jumped in with reckless abandon and “got together” on June 1st of last year. Within a month and a half, he moved me and my 3 cats to Colorado. But… in another month and a half, on October 1st, everything went bone dry and frozen like the McMurdo Dry Valleys in Antarctica (heh, Google is my bestie).

So, for the maths nerds (ugh, gross), it’s been 236 days of patience out of 358 (1 week shy of our 1st year anniversary)! That’s 66% (two-feckin-thirds) of the entire thing, not including the “normal” patience I randomly needed to have before October 1st. Let alone what more patience was required of me from February 7th, when I found out he had a serious addiction that caused me to endure a massive Betrayal Trauma (oh look, a new one I’ve never had before?!).

The point of showing how much patience has been required of me is to note that The Boyfriend asked me – very recently – for even more of it (i.e. instead of getting angry when he’s stonewalling me). Yes, we are growing together and learning how to navigate the challenges we face. Sometimes, we fuck up, let our emotions control the narrative, and argue. It hasn’t been easy in the slightest, for either one of us. But, I must reiterate that – while I’ve had years of therapy, self-reflection, and practice at being patient – I. Am. Fucking. Tired.

I have already given vast amounts of my time, energy, my whole heart, and patience to him AND this relationship… and he’s asking for even more?! He’s legitimately asking me NOT to get angry – despite how I’m already trying so hard to provide a safe space for him to be vulnerable with me – when he shuts down completely.

And you know what?! I’m still going to do it. I’m still going to venture to the bottom of this nearly endless well and scoop up as much more patience as I can because that’s just who-the-fuck I am. I’m a stubborn-ass bish and I CAN’T give up without a serious and lengthy fight – even if that means the fight is with myself to be an even better person than I have been. Ultimately, I strive to be the best version of myself that I can and – if/when I fall short – I work my ass off to be better, to improve when and where I can.

Doesn’t mean I won’t be fucking tired any more, obviously, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I gave my all when it mattered.

Stupid patience… ugh.