Despite currently doing the Thing, I decided to go ahead with the IFS/EMDR therapy… I mean, it’s telehealth, so why not?! I had to reschedule from Tuesday to Thursday because the Tuesday stuff made it not possible. All the same, it was rough (as usual). Discovering inner parts of myself that have been stuffed away and/or ignored, but come out at the worst possible moments and throw a huge tantrum?! Yeeeeah.

It isn’t unwelcome work, of course. It’s necessary. But this one just… whew. I got triggered by The Boyfriend the day before and Angrietta (this is the angry little 5 yr old version of myself) threw a whole ass fit. We addressed this in therapy. Having to “re-parent” myself – being the parent I could have used growing up – is unfair and frustrating. Not a fan. But… it is what it is and, since I’ve already raised The Son to adulthood, I think I’m pretty qualified for the job.

All the same, the rest of the day wasn’t too bad. Next day, though? Oof. Started off with another trigger via The Boyfriend and I did a hard, tight, and quick spiral into the Void of Self-Loathing. 😑 At one point, while revealing to The Boyfriend how I was feeling, I blurted out, “I don’t even know why you love me!”

*le sigh*

Ok, listen… I realize that it doesn’t seem like a great thing to say, but hear me out… it is based in truth. The Boyfriend and I have been having a rough go of things since last October. Additionally, Discovery of The Addiction in early February and Confrontation 2 weeks later? All that, the many months of feeling worthless, unwanted, outright rejected, and so much more… and THEN Betrayal Trauma and all THAT entails… it leaves a bit of a mark, ya know?

The Boyfriend is working REALLY fucking hard on beating this addiction, improving himself in ways that I knew he could – I’ve believed in him since day 1, despite these hurdles. His efforts have not gone unnoticed, believe me.

But sadly… that doesn’t take away the pain I’M going through. He isn’t good at showing love in the ways I need to heal from the damage he caused. And I DO get it. I’m understanding and patient and compassionate to this, but… I’m still suffering. I’m carrying the entire emotional burden of the relationship while I wait and watch his personal efforts and progress.

It’s fucking exhausting.

His mom passed when he was 6, and he went through a lot after that. He wasn’t modeled how to show love. And now… that falls to me.

So yeah… yesterday sucked whale anus. By the time we went to bed, I was completely done with the day. The Boyfriend spent some time playing chess on his phone and I struggled to keep myself from crying… until he finally put the phone away and snuggled up to me, initiating our daily check-in. We talked for quite some time about our day and the feels we had. I ended up divulging quite a bit about missing The Son and some of the hardship I endured raising him.

I do feel better this morning. I’m grateful that The Boyfriend is making efforts to connect with me, listen, and hold me while I cry. I still have that nagging voice in the back sayin, “Yeah, just wait. There’s another shoe!” And I want to beat it with my cane, but it’s a sneaky bitch.

Soooo… today? Today is my 13th Divorce-iversary from Gravity. Today, The Boyfriend has been tasked with Making Up for the 1 year Anniversary Fail. 😆 I know, it sounds pretty harsh, buuuuuuut… he DID – unfortunately – drop the ball… 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m to be ready to go by noon (an hour and a half from now). I’m looking forward to what sorts of things he came up with that he believes that I will enjoy. I’m pretty confident, but we shall see…