“Words of Affirmation” is my Love Language. Words are my emotional and mental lifeblood, they can lift me up AND break me down. They can help me thrive in tough times, or… send me spiraling into The Void of Despair – which is not a good place for me. Hurtful words are like a landmine, exploding triggers and destroying everything inside me. They shred my heart as though it were made of tissue paper. And once I’m in The Void… my brain offloads as much as possible to protect me. The negative thoughts I have swirl around uncontrollably and it makes me ugly-snot-cry. I lose what little hope, self-esteem, and trust I had left. I – eventually – go numb and have no more fucks left to give.

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Thus… Check-in with The Boyfriend last night was going really well… until it wasn’t. Near the end, I expressed needing a solution to the “not telling me you love me” issue that I’ve been having for quite some time (and have brought up repeatedly, to no avail).

Thing is… He very rarely tells me that he loves me and this is a serious deficit for me. I need to hear those words, and often. I was pointing out that the casual “good night, love you” or saying “I love you” when I make a specific silly face at him (it’s a new thing I tried, as a “hint hint” – not going to be doing that any more) don’t count as genuinely and spontaneously expressing love for me. Nor does saying “I love you, too” in response. He wasn’t able to come up with a solution, but saying as much took prodding (he goes silent sometimes). This got my nervous system alert.

He took the opportunity to remind me that a year ago, we discussed how he believes saying it too often “cheapens” it, making it mean less. And when he says it, he means it. And that forcing him to say it isn’t going to work. I countered with, “If you mean it when you say it, and those other times don’t count, what does it say for me that you hardly ever tell me?” He said that this was an exaggeration. I’m pretty sure that raised an eyebrow on my face. So I asked, “Okay, then how often have you randomly told me that you love me?” He told me that I hadn’t been paying attention and he’d done so at least 3 times in a month.

At this point, the tears were started to well up and I had to slow myself down, taking a couple deep breaths. I closed my eyes and expressed how his words were being received as him not caring about my needs. That he didn’t want to meet them because his views on not wanting to say it won’t change.

And this is where the shit hit the fan… because he was getting defensive. I don’t remember what he said, but I pointed his defensiveness out to him. He bluntly agreed, rudely saying (not exact words), “it’s because we’re hashing out the things I say again.” Unfortunately, the result of that response sent me spiraling immediately into The Void of Despair and I just… gave the fuck up. I said, “Fine,” extricating myself and turning away. When I was closing things on my PC to turn it off, he just up and left the room. It took every ounce of “strength” I had not to break down right then and there.

I don’t end conversations like this. I want to resolve things immediately. But this time? He crossed lines and I was just… fucking done with it. Reminding me that we’d discussed this a year ago?! Awesome, here’s a flashback to when The Dementor reminded me (numerous times) that he’d warned me in the beginning of our relationship that he’s an asshole (as if this justifies any shit words/behavior in perpetuity).

So, after attempting to stop crying in the bathroom, I made haste to take a shower… this is where I go to let everything out, turning my Billie Eilish (sad shit) station on so I can bawl my eyes out while letting the hot water wash away the snot and tears. I managed to wash my face and hair before sitting down to let the despair engulf every fiber of my being. I can’t recall how long I was in there. I did eventually get out and escape to my room. I spent another indeterminate amount of time crying in there, too, while sitting on the side of my bed. Prominent thoughts? “He’s not coming.” and “Now I am utterly alone.” and “Even my own son doesn’t want me in his life.”

When I finally stopped, Zombie Enchi took over. I needed water. I went downstairs to fill my water can. I heard The Boyfriend start to come down, so I made sure my back was turned… because seeing him would mean acknowledging he exists and I was NOT in the mood. He grabbed Fluffybutt and took her upstairs for the night. My shoulders sank, expecting that he was done and wasn’t coming back. So, I went to let my 3 cats out of the basement (this is Cat Swapping). Mars came out immediately, giving me “cat hugs” (when they rub against your leg).

Unfortunately, The Boyfriend came back downstairs and into the kitchen, effectively making me freeze in place, unable to rub brain cells together to do what I wanted, which was to get past him and upstairs. When he came out of the kitchen, I avoided looking at him, unable to move. He came towards me, saying, “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t speak. Putting his hand on my back and rubbing it, he asked if we could talk about it tomorrow or… if it was too late. That confused me, so all I could manage was a shrug, still not looking at him. Then, he asked if I wanted him to go away. This made me angry and I blurted a “No!” and started crying. Since I was holding my water can in one hand and phone/vape in the other, I stayed limp, arms at my sides, when he hugged me. Then, all I could think about was how my glasses were getting squished. I turned my face away and took them off, sobbing more and remaining limp, but adjusting my feet almost took me to the ground. I guess he recognized this, because he said, “Let’s go sit,” and led me to the living room couch.

I set my stuff down and sat, still unable to look at him, crying and trying my best to breathe through it. He rubbed my leg. At some point, he moved to lean against me and Mars ventured in and up onto us. I took the opportunity to get him set up on my shoulder. I was at the point where nothing The Boyfriend could say or do would break me out of The Void. I used Mars and his purring against my head to breathe myself out of crying. Then, I told The Boyfriend that he needed to learn how to purr. He actually made an attempt to do so, which made me smile slightly. He proceeded to apologize for getting defensive and saying things in that state. I said nothing.

Eventually, he said he had to go to bed and we’d talk about this tomorrow. I said, “Ok,” still not looking at him. And away he went, to prep a couple more things. He did come back to kiss and hug me, so I told him good night. He responded in kind and told me he loved me… I hesitated and said, “I love you, too.”

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I woke up a couple times, much earlier than I was willing to get out of bed. I have a digital clock that projects the time on my ceiling, noticing it was close to 5am. I laid there listening, not hearing The Boyfriend making any noise that would indicate he’d gotten up to get ready for work. And, I thought, “Not my fucking responsibility.” I didn’t want to see or talk to him and if he was late for work, that was on him. I had no fucks for any of it. He did come out of his room eventually, rushing downstairs to gather shit and leave. I think I may have passed back out for a few, because I don’t recall hearing him leave.

Comet wouldn’t let me go back to sleep after that, unfortunately, so I had to drag myself out of bed and get them fed and swapped with Fluffybutt. Zombie Enchi was in full swing, so it took me a while to accomplish all I needed to and get myself up here to write.

Sundays are “me time” days. It is my first day alone, no Boyfriend, no appointments, nothing to do but whatever the fuck I want. And today? Fuck my phone. It’s on Do Not Disturb and I don’t want to talk to anyone, especially not The Boyfriend (not that he’s messaged me anyway).

I’m just… so fucking tired of everything. All I want is for the one person I ought to be able to rely on and trust to not break my heart with shitty ass words and neglect . I want to be told that I’m loved without having to beg for it. I want to be THE fucking priority in his life, instead of an afterthought (which is what I consistently feel like). I want a fucking nap that cures all my problems, allowing me to wake up happy and healthy, living the life of my dreams with a man that actually gives a shit and isn’t afraid to show it. One that doesn’t get offended when I call out his bullshit.

Too fuckin bad, though, eh? Reality sucks and we all just have to deal with it. Disappointing as fuck, if you ask me.