I have a Draft titled, “Things That Break” and had every intention of writing about that today, but… I’m just tired. I tried, of course, but my heart just isn’t in it (there’s a broken thing) and my mind is in shambles (ope, another broken thing). This causes me to get distracted easily by things that aren’t quite the focus of what I wanted to write about. I mean… I have 4 tabs open right now that are about relationship shit: how to be honest, build trust, have empathy, and listen without getting defensive. And that was from looking up “integrity in romantic relationships.” – preceded by what “lack of integrity” means.

So, here we are… contemplating who I am as a person, how I exist in the world, how much love I’ve given away to others my whole life… and the severe lack of return I’ve garnered (specifically from romantic relationships, as I do have a few really good friends and chosen family).

I keep thinking, “How is it that I’ve grown so much from the lifetime of trauma and abuse, continuously learning on my own how to treat other people with the things I wasn’t given: love, patience, compassion, understanding, respect, trust, etc.?! How is it that I can see the integrity I’ve built in myself and yet… I can’t seem to pick a partner that is capable of reciprocation?! WHY the fuck does this keep happening?!”

I’d like to blame myself for being utterly blind and fucking stupid in my [previously foregone] quest to find a decent partner, but the truth is… I can’t take full responsibility for that. Am I blind and stupid when it comes to wanting the same as I am able to give?! Absolutely. I speak from experience. I’ve had bad taste in men several times in my life. Gravity, Darryl, The Dementor and Lord Voldemort… and once again, to my unfortunate demise, The Boyfriend.

Thing is… my blind stupidity and desire to be with someone that loves me is what has made me susceptible to some EPIC manipulation. And all that shit stems from The Plague. I was abused and conditioned by that fucker my whole life and it made me easy to convince that the person I fell in love with was a good person, one with integrity, moral values, and capable of showing me love in the ways that I needed (the bar was extremely fucking low). I thought I’d moved beyond that after finally ridding myself of my last mistake (The Dementor) and vowing that I would never try again.

But bruuuuh was I fucking mistaken. The Boyfriend swooped in, showed me what I wanted to see, told me what I wanted to hear, gave me what I had desperately vied for from my past relationships (words and actions), and got me hook-line-and-sinker. And? I resisted at first. I tried really hard not to fall in love with him. I was fucking scared as hell that I was making a mistake (again). At that point in my life, I was facing homelessness and ready to let Gravity take care of The Son so I could off myself. He gave me a reason to live. He breathed life back into my heart. And I fell SO hard and fast for him, once I gave in.

But that’s the problem now, isn’t it? 4 months of a romantic whirlwind that slowly wound down after moving me and my cats here, and then it exploded into… nothing. Months and months of turmoil, rejection, neglect, and (his words) the “true” colors of who he really was deep down?!

Fucking damnit.

Then, the addiction comes to light and I experience one of the worst traumas I’ve ever come across – Betrayal Trauma.

So… I’d really like to know what sort of Karmic fucking Wrath I’ve incurred and why the man I love can’t just… accept me for who I am?! See how valuable I am? Reciprocate all the wonderful things I’ve been giving him?

Sadly… I know why. All the underlying trauma and shit he’s been through is the catalyst for his addiction. His self worth has been ground into dust. The guilt and shame controls his every reaction, when he isn’t being mindful and working hard to waylay those knee-jerk things.

Now? I am not blind any more. Stupid, maybe, for wanting to continue loving and supporting him, because I can and do see beneath the surface of the addict and into the core of who he is – and it isn’t the uncaring, selfish, ego-driven asshole that erupts out of him when any shred of discomfort strikes. Nay nay. I see the broken child that lost his mom when he was 6 and began existing in a life of turmoil, change he couldn’t control, built-up resentment, and the very few but horrible romantic relationships he’s suffered. Losing his lifelong best friend to fucking cancer. I know what suffering is because I, too, have suffered.

The difference is that I am in a decent-enough place (bc therapy, self-reflection, growth, etc.) to stand beside him on his journey thru recovery and into sobriety, and personal growth from all the shit underneath that. I don’t have ALL the answers, of course, and I still have a lot to work on with myself, but… I’m ahead in this game and WANT to bring him with me, to show him what a really great woman full of love and other good things can do. To prove to him that happiness and peace are achievable in this shitty fucking world… but it takes a LOT of difficult work. There is no Easy Button (damnit), but with the love and support of a good woman (me), the journey will at least be worth it?!

Unfortunately… I can’t make him see or accept any of that. And I wouldn’t do so if I had that power. My moral code of “Autonomy in all things at all times. Period.” applies here, as much as anywhere. All I can do is wait for the hammer to fall and destroy me completely, or be shocked and awed if he decides to make good on not give up on himself, me… and us.

C’est la Vie…