I tried to start this post yesterday and just couldn’t. Second attempt?!
Today, I wish to write about the “intangible” things that can break. I had planned to use “ethereal” there (it’s a beautiful word, imho), but it has a different connotation and doesn’t quite fit. Google: “Intangible things, while not physical, can be ‘broken’ in the sense of losing value, being damaged, or becoming ineffective.” Either way, there are a few very important intangible things that can and do break, especially when people lack the integrity to treat others with the respect, love, and care they deserve.
TRUST: Did you know that elephants can symbolize loyalty and trust? They are my favorite animal (along with cats, of course). I find them fascinating. Google: “Elephants symbolize trust due to their strong family bonds, loyalty, and cooperative nature. They form lifelong connections, working together to protect and nurture one another, demonstrating unwavering support and mutual reliance. This social structure and their commitment to each other within the herd are often seen as a reflection of human ideals of trust and dependability.” But humans, unfortunately, do not measure up. Imagine a world where we humans followed the nature of elephants and their phenomenal system of trust, caring for each other in ways that are severely lacking. I say this often: People SUCK. And sure, this doesn’t apply to ALL people, but damn… it seems like the majority favors the wicked. All the same, it takes a very loving and determined person to rebuild and maintain trust after say… betrayal? And betrayal is one of the easiest ways to break trust.
HEARTS: This one is a favorite of mine, honestly. Not because I enjoy having my heart broken (repeatedly, bc I’m stupid), but because of my natural inclination towards how the brain and body work. For example, this legitimate physical condition due to intangible breakage that I learned about ages ago… Google: “Broken heart syndrome, also known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy or stress-induced cardiomyopathy, is a temporary heart condition that can be triggered by severe emotional or physical stress. It mimics a heart attack, causing sudden weakening of the heart muscle, but unlike a heart attack, it’s not caused by blocked arteries. Symptoms include chest pain, shortness of breath, and irregular heartbeat, and most people recover fully with treatment.” It is a very serious condition and, according to me research, requires hospitalization and treatment. Luckily, because it isn’t caused by arterial issues (like an actual heart attack), one can recover from it within a relatively short time. Mild cases of this can feel like a heart attack, with symptoms like chest pain and shortness of breath. I’d say that I’ve experienced these symptoms several times in my life, and several times over the course of the past 4 days. Now, I don’t believe they were worthy of hospitalization, but last night’s episode had me pretty concerned.
BRAINS: Speaking from experience, as I have lived with Anhedonia for a couple years now, I refer to the results of the incident that caused it as “my brain broke”… now, I don’t know that it “broke” per se, but we often call significant mental brain traumas “psychotic breaks,” no? And I know for a fact that prior to said incident, I did not have full-blown Anhedonia. Honestly, I didn’t even know what it was until I started questioning why I couldn’t feel positive emotions when I should have (like hugging The Son, whom I love very deeply). All the same, this is only one situation of “breakage” in the brain that I know quite a bit about. I’m sure there are others.
LOVE: Oof. Yeah. This one can break, but I feel like the “when and how” depends on the person holding the love. Personally? It takes a lot for me to get to the point where my love for someone shatters completely. I mean, hell… I loved both Gravity and The Dementor for at least a decade each. And it took that long for each of them to cause so much damage that my heart/brain just couldn’t hold on anymore. I call it “death by a thousand cuts” now, but really… each negative incident inflicted causes a small crack in the foundation. Eventually, those cracks add up and it shatters… love gone. I suppose a thousand cuts is also accurate. The more you get, the more blood you lose, until you just keel over a die from blood loss. And to this day, I still can’t fathom why someone would ever want to inflict so much damage on the person they profess they love. At least in The Plague, Gravity, and The Dementor’s cases I can say that they were all Narcissists, damaged very young and incapable of recovery. I don’t understand how anyone can say, “I do love you” and “Go fuck yourself” to the same individual. I mean… if you truly do love someone and don’t want to hurt them (as you have claimed)… how could something so diabolical even come out of your mouth?! And I have to admit… this is literally the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me.
RELATIONSHIPS: This one is pretty obvious. You could feasibly combine the last four Intangibles and have your answer for why relationships get broken. I believe the catalyst for the demise of most relationships IS broken trust. Without trust, the person that was betrayed suffers the results of many negative consequences. Depending on the TYPE of betrayal, such consequences could be paranoia, inability to believe what others say (not just the offender), obsessive-compulsive investigation into electronic activities, jealousy, severe loss of self-esteem, worsening depression, heightened hyper-vigilance… and so much more. In the end, though, relationships get broken in a variety of shitty ways, sometimes quickly (like a bull in a china shop), sometimes slowly (like a cat knocking shit off counters).
PROMISES: Ugh. I despise this one. I feel that, if a person says they will do a thing, they need to do it. Whether they verbally “promise” to or not. And the more often someone says they’ll do X Y and/or Z and they renege (go back on their word)… the quicker their reputation for being unreliable, dishonest, and untrustworthy grows. In this way, it’s a slow erosion of trust, rather than a solid break like betrayal. Another “death by a thousand cuts.”
I’m sure there are plenty of other Intangibles that can be broken, but I’m getting pretty tired and want to wrap this up…
I have personally experienced each and every one of these breaks, some more than others (oh, hello, broken heart). I know I talk a lot about my “lifetime of trauma” and how much I’ve had to endure, but… it’s important for me to be able to do so. I can’t change what I’ve been through, only how I proceed in the here and now. Talking about it (repeatedly, lol) helps me process it. And since I have 43 years of trauma (my whole feckin life), I’ll probably be talking about it until I die… 😅 Not sorry 😛
But, yeah… A little over a year ago I was at (what I thought) was the lowest point in my life, ready to release my aching spirit from my decrepit body. I found a reason to live, but – over the course of a single year – beautiful promises were made (and I believed in them wholeheartedly) and have been summarily broken, my trust has been slowly eroded (over months) and then completely broken with betrayal (TWICE, now), and my heart has been brutally obliterated (several times now) as a result of all that and more. I hit a low worse than before, last Xmas. Legit needed an “adult” as I stared hard and reached hesitantly for a bottle of pills. It’s kinda funny thinking about how close I was, though, not even considering that things could get worse than that. And they did.
I’m starting to wonder if I just don’t deserve to have the person I love treat me the same or better. Every time I’ve given my entire heart to someone, it’s been abused, broken, and thrown away. I’ve had to gather what pieces I could out of the dumpster fire of my life and do whatever I could to move forward with my life. Each time has broken my resolve (ope, there’s a good one!) to continue being a kind, generous, and loving person. The struggle has been fucking real, folks. And this time? This time I was done done and gave “love” a final chance. I believed I’d finally found a man worth giving my all for… and this is why it’s so hard to break my love for others. Because I STILL believe, despite everything, that he can be that man. I mean fuck, I believed the same of Gravity and The Dementor, but as with anyone… I can’t make them believe it of themselves, nor choose to rise to the standards of “decent and loving human.”
I’m so tired and wish that The Boyfriend would strive to be what he promised, strive to be what I see deep down under all that shame, guilt, trauma… and the addiction that’s covering it. It’s fucking hard to keep being patient and understanding with an addict. And this addiction fits into the “Intangibles” category. It can’t physically be taken away from him. I want to love, support, and stand beside him through everything… but he’s pushing me away and there’s nothing I can do, especially when he won’t be truthful and transparent.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 