I read something so profound this morning that I just… blinked in shock and awe…
First, the featured pic is an original I took 12-ish years ago when I visited Costa Rica. The flower is in Cahuita, Limón. I do not remember what it is called, it was just so gorgeous I could not pass up a picture. 😅
It’s always “find better men”… Instead of “be better men.” Women are constantly told to raise their standards, choose wiser, guard their hearts, stop picking “toxic” men… as if the entire burden of a relationship’s health lies on her choices, her ability to filter out the broken, the abusive, the emotionally unavailable. But when do we start holding men accountable for the damage they cause? Why is it always her fault for trusting someone who pretended to be everything she was looking for? Why is she the one labeled “stupid” or “naive” for falling for a man who sold her dreams and delivered chaos? No one talks enough about the men who don’t heal, who don’t grow, who jump from woman to woman carrying the same trauma, spreading the same lies, making the same promises they never intend to keep. The men who treat loyalty like it’s disposable and love like it’s a game. We tell women to “do better,” but rarely tell men to be better.
Be a better communicator. Be more self-aware. Be honest about your intentions. Be emotionally available. Be consistent. Be someone who protects peace instead of destroying it. Because the truth is… good women aren’t hard to find. They’re everywhere. They’re the ones holding it all together. Loving deeply. Hoping patiently. Showing up fully. The real issue is that too many men want the benefits of being with a good woman… without doing the work to deserve her. So no, it’s not just about women choosing better. It’s about men choosing to be better. To grow. To unlearn. To mature emotionally. To stop blaming their past for why they mistreat people in the present. Because when a woman has to become a detective, a therapist, and a punching bag just to be loved by you… that’s not love. That’s survival. So maybe, just maybe… the conversation needs to shift. Less advice about finding better men. More pressure on men to actually become better. Because women are exhausted from being told to pick better… When the truth is, they’re doing just fine. They’re just tired of being the only ones doing the work.
And you know what? Yeah. Why IS the onus on us women to “raise” full-grown men to be better? It’s as if, because we are the “nurture” type, it’s our job to make sure these man-babies learn how to be decent people. And I get SO fucking angry at society, “parents” that fail at their jobs, and just… people in general that go about existing in the world like toxic gas-clouds, infecting and spreading their poison to everyone around them. Like… BE better. Heal your shit. I don’t know who hurt you or why, but fuck… I do know what it’s like. I’ve spent my entire life being traumatically abused by my own “father,” neglected by my mom (currently healing that relationship), abandoned by a man I considered a best friend (because disability), married to (and thankfully divorced from) a Narcissist who is now alienating me from the son I raised (with very little help from his bitch ass), and broken so hard by another Narcissistic asshole that I’ve lost the ability to feel anything positive (that journey has fucking sucked). I fucking understand.
And you know what I’m doing?! Picking up the pieces and working on myself. That’s all we CAN do. None of these jerks from the past are going to do it for us. And with this current relationship, the shit I’ve been through, the Betrayal Trauma… at the very least, it spurned me toward actual trauma therapies. I’m in 5 different types of therapy and weekly support group for the addiction The Boyfriend has.
I AM tired of doing the work, but… The Boyfriend really does have a distinct advantage and great foundation. He’s hurting, he’s in addiction, but… he IS trying. I get discouraged a lot, depressed, and despondent. Even Despair shows up sometimes. But he really IS doing work to get better. To BE better.
And that fact right there is why I keep going, despite all the pain and impatience.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 