3.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

Ah, yes. The subject of “pain.” One I know all too well, unfortunately. Mark IS right: pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. In other words, pain will happen, it’s a matter of course for literally just existing. But suffering? Well… as hard as it is to admit and hear, it IS a choice. I will explain why I somewhat disagree with the 2nd half of that. It’s an easy choice to allow the suffering to continue, it doesn’t really require much else but allowing it to fester. However, it is an extremely difficult one to choose not to (at least, as has been my experience).

Side Quest: Today, I am choosing to come to terms with the label “father” for the monster that is my Sperm Donor – i.e. The Plague. You see, the basic Oxford Language definition is: noun – 1. a man in relation to his child or children. He IS a man and does have two children (myself and The Brother). As benign as this definition is, it is the “true father” archetype/label with which triggers me to blanch in disgust at labeling him “father.” From paigelauren: “protector, teacher and encourager; a person who picks you up when you fall, brushed you off and lets you try again; admired and much loved; often referred to as a son’s first hero and daughter’s first love.” My father does not qualify for any of that, except… I can say that I used to love him, back when I was a wee lass and ignorant of who he really was (5 year old me suppressed a significant trauma involving him, 7 year old me learned well who the monster truly was).

Thus… my pain and suffering comes from a lifetime of toxic abuse and neglect (lol… starting to feel like a broken record), which I endured because of my father. The pain was inevitable, the suffering… was not and has not been a choice. I have many psychological issues because of the pain he inflicted, things which altered my brain and caused physiological (I think that’s the correct word, lol) damage that I now have to work my ass off to rewire and repair.

But I digress…

All of that to say the story is true. I remind myself of it frequently when I ponder why I am the way I am. So, at this point, I am confident that there isn’t much of another story I could tell myself that would replace that and still be factual. The same goes for reframing the story I tell myself. It’s taken years for me to get to this point. But you know what? That’s the work that Mark is suggesting, the work I’ve already done. I know, because I used to tell myself a wholly different story before: that I was the one at fault for the pain being inflicted on me. I wasn’t worthy of love, forgiveness, grace, and the plethora of other “good” things I didn’t get from my father while I was growing up and well into adulthood (to this day, tbh).

As for how it’s gone… I’d say pretty damn well, so far. The shift from blaming myself for the pain to blaming the true cause was a monumental one. As my favorite quote goes: The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step (Lao Tzu – Tao te Ching).

Heh… and it seems the next MM flows nicely into what I just divulged… self talk!

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4.0 – One Mistake Doesn’t Define You

Three things for you to think about

It’s: “I did a bad thing,” not “I am a bad person.”
It’s: “I tried and failed,” not “I am a failure.”
It’s: “I did it wrong,” not “I am wrong.”

How you talk to yourself defines your Self. Be careful what you say.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

What are some of the ways you talk to yourself that are unhelpful? How can you rephrase them?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Stop defining yourself in a way that hurts you this week. Let me know how it goes.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net/