I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster yesterday, starting quite early. On Monday, I casually mentioned that we were in the process of signing up for the Recovery Program (RP for short) for The Boyfriend’s addiction. As part of my morning routine, I check our accounts and adjust the budget accordingly (ah yes, this bill got paid, etc). So, first thing yesterday morning, the money we’d applied for to finance paying for this intensive program had come through. A spike of relief and excitement. I let The BF know and asked if he wanted me to go ahead and do a wire transfer, since he was working and I had the info necessary to start it. He agreed. I’ve never done a wire transfer before, let alone paid that large of a sum of money (I grew up and continued life being The Poor). Nervousness and frustration sprinkled their way in, making jabs at the relief and excitement. The frustrating part was getting the necessary info (company name and address), but I was able to consult with one of the the Founders (we are FB friends) via messenger and get the program completely paid for.

Not long after that, I had EMDR. My brain was going 100mph (yay, ADHD!), so much so that my therapist suggested taking a couple minutes to breathe and center myself. Haha. Oops. Ok, ok… I see you. Following that, we went through a normal EMDR session to work on the “Ch’Komi” memory (featured here) from when I was around 4-5 years old. If I’m not mistaken, this is the third time it’s come up, maybe the 2nd time we’ve dug deep to work through it. At the end of our session, I felt much more calm and relaxed, and fairly decent about the resolution of that incident. I figure time will tell as to just how resolved it is.

After that, I took a little time playing Minecraft, but got distracted by Princess Fluffybutt and, since I was already up, decided to go ahead and take a shower. Kinda funny how I don’t really notice just how depressed I am until I go to do an Impossible Task and use that as a gauge. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d showered. I did some introspection on why I was having a bout of The Depressies and concluded that – despite how well I thought I was handling it – the recent relapses from The BF had hit me pretty hard. Ugh. And here I was believing I was handling my shit really well, being compassionate, understanding, and patient with him. Sure. But I was also suppressing just how badly it hurt.

The rest of the day was my using Minecraft to cope, with a short break to eat lunch and watch anime. I did not, in fact, take the necessary nap. Interacting with the RP app and our new coaches was sprinkled in there, too.

And finally… The BF came home from work. I was excited to get started on Module 0 of the RP, but… BF said he was starving and asked if we could wait. Omg, yes, my bad… I got carried away. So, we made sandwiches for dinner and watched a couple episodes of Spy X Family. Then, I asked if we could start the RP. I noticed that he’d skipped the very first task (some assessments) and pointed that out. He seemed slightly irritated with that, but went into that section and did them. I scrolled FB, because I’d already done mine earlier in the day. When he got back to the 2nd task in the list, he left to get his glasses from the office aaaaand… didn’t come back. 😑😥 The abandonment trigger hit like a ton of bricks. But, I took a minute and then messaged to ask if we could make it through to the first video (10 min “welcome” msg from the Founders) and watch it together. He expressed that he was tired, but he thought he could manage that.

He finally came back down and we watched the video, then did check-in. I thought it went fairly well, considering, but my mood had dropped a bit from the trigger of being abandoned. I know – logically – that he wasn’t technically abandoning me, but… Trauma Brain doesn’t care about the semantics, unfortunately.

And so, we have begun our journey through the Recovery Program. It’s gonna be a lot of work (holy shit), but I truly feel that this is the right path and eventually we will be in a place – together – that is phenomenal and fulfilling for both of us.

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Side Quest: The heavy feels I’ve been carrying since October of last year are creeping their way back in to my everyday life. Self doubt, loss of hope, confusion, and a sense of having no future to behold… amongst many other negative thoughts and feels… are the overwhelming things that permeate my existence. I question whether all of this pain is truly worth it. I wonder if I really love him like I used to in the beginning. I desperately want to feel truly loved and cherished – in the ways that I need. I really do want this to be something worth fighting for, but fuck… I’m so damned exhausted. Being strong and patient is fucking hard, ya know? Part of the reason I’m even here is because I saw how different The BF was compared to literally anything else in my life. He accepted me for who I am, broken and disabled, and promised to take care of me. I was over the moon with love and desire – FINALLY – for someone that honestly wanted me in their life…

Too bad it only took 2 months to start tearing that (delusional) belief to pieces. The subsequent erosion of that dream and my poor, mishandled heart was enough to drive me to the brink of Perma-Nap. And boy, did I take on the entire responsibility of the breakdown of our relationship… I mean, isn’t it obvious that I’m not worth a damn? My entire life, and the people in it, says so. Why not include this person in the mix?! 🙄

And here we are, a year later, and I’m questioning whether he was telling me the truth about how “October is the busiest month for my work, so don’t expect much.” There is a drastic difference between last October and this one. So how much truth is there in that previous statement and behavior, knowing what I know now? Makes ya wonder, huh?