14.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

Everything you believe will one day fail you. Let it. Because that’s how you grow.

When’s the last time you said, “I changed my mind”? Is there a “truth” you hold onto that might actually be holding you back?

Pick one belief you’ve never questioned and ask: “What if I’m wrong?” Let me know what you find.

I would like to start this one off with, “I have done and do fairly well in questioning all sorts of things in my life.” Which is true in a lot of ways, but also not. One of those “truths” that keep coming up for me is my self worth. Of course I know that I am worthy of happiness, respect, and all sorts of other great things, buuuuut… Brain likes to say otherwise, especially when I face interpersonal conflict. 😑🙄

It’s pretty ironic that our brains can hold so many different (sometimes contradictory) truths. For instance: I am worthy of love vs. I don’t deserve love. Again, with all the trauma and turmoil that is my life, I have repeatedly and consistently learned that I am not worthy of anything good unless I am useful. I mean fuck, the last time I moved out of my parents’ house (only been a couple years), my father commented to my mom about how the room I was living in was finally going to be converted to Prepper shit (i.e. storage for lots of food and other supplies in case “The Goberment” decides to take all his guns <insert massive eyeroll>). This told me that all I was doing was taking up valuable room that could be useful for something better than this crippled ass, oxygen-stealing waste of space. The only questions about my absence and occupation of a friend’s house were, “When will she get a job? How will she pay rent?” Never mind all the physical/mental/emotional and consistently disabling conditions I was and am still suffering from that prevent me from holding down any kind of job.

But I digress…

The “truth” and belief that’s been drilled into me my entire life that I am unworthy of love (etc etc) is one that I fight on a daily basis. Some days are easier than others, but most are hard won, if won at all. Adjusting my crown isn’t something that comes easy for me, and it gets more and more difficult as time goes on – especially as my body and mind slowly and inexorably degrade.

---

15.0 – How to Not Die From Embarrassment

Two things for you to think about

If you’re not willing to be laughed at, you’ll spend your life clapping for people who were.

There are graveyards full of people who constantly told themselves “one day.”

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

---

Two things for you to ask yourself

What are you avoiding right now because you’re afraid to be laughed at? What would it take to stop saying “one day” and finally go for it?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

---

One thing for you to try this week

Do one thing this week that might make you look stupid. Hit send. Ask the “dumb” question. Try the skill you always said you’d learn “one day.” Then let me know how it goes.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net/

---

As for how I’m doing… yesterday was a full day of heart… ugh, I can’t even find the right word for it, because I’m not sure what “it” really was. The heart rate that my Smart Ring monitors was elevated, but the way it felt was like I’d been doing moderate exercise and/or experiencing high levels of anxiety – neither of which were actually happening. I was legit sitting at my PC playing Minecraft almost the entire day, with the exception of laying down for a nap around 2:30p. I don’t know how long it took me to fall asleep, given the stress my heart was under, but I finally got up around 4:30p. It was a very uncomfortable and exhausting day, to say the least. I didn’t go to sleep last night until well after 11pm.

But on another note, the next video The Boyfriend and I watched for the Recovery Program was really deep and the check-in afterwards was quite informative and productive. He took some accountability and I shared my appreciation for that. He held me for quite some time, too. So, there’s that.

I’ve also had a nice conversation with Granny Sídhe, which is typical for Mondays, though I usually do the blogging beforehand. I didn’t get out of bed until 6:30a today, though, so it put us a little behind schedule and here we are.

Parting Educational Nugget: Did you know we actually have two noses?! I saw a video about this, explaining the anatomy behind our nostrils being two completely separate entities which perform similar functions at different intervals. I can’t find the video to link it, unfortunately, but I’m sure Google could help with that, if you are so inclined. Pretty wild, though, eh?