I am a LITTLE obsessed with Stranger Things. I have the main theme as an alarm tone. One of my favorite things to wear is an overly large Stranger Things long-sleeve shirt (it has pockets). Since the first half of the newest (and last?!) season dropped over the holiday, I asked The Boyfriend to do a re-watch from the beginning with me yesterday. We finished the entire first season and 2 episodes of the second. Hehe. What a lazy day that was.

Unfortunately, we won’t be able to binge the entire second season today, because I must go forth and join my mom, Aunt, and cousin for Xmas cookie making. I’ll admit that most of me doesn’t want to go… I’m so exhausted, sore, and just not mentally/emotionally feeling it, but I did commit to it and it will give The Boyfriend some alone time.

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As for how The Boyfriend stuff is going…

Meh.

Thanksgiving check-in was going ok, but I noticed that he seemed distracted, as though he didn’t want to be doing it. So… I asked how he was feeling. I handed him the Feelings Wheel Pillow (don’t judge, it’s important) and we sat in silence for a good 10 minutes while he stared at it. When this happens, I have to repeatedly remind myself to be patient and allow him the time/space he needs to figure out whatever he needs to. It’s really fucking difficult to do, because – in the past (numerous times) – he’s completely shut down and that’s the end of it. Or… he gets belligerent and/or defensive and that never ends well.

He did finally speak, saying that he was pretty sure his feelings were in the “anger” category, but he wasn’t quite sure beyond that. This prompted me to inquire what he was angry about. The core issue was that I asked how he was feeling and the knee-jerk thought he had was, “What does that matter?!”

Unfortunately, this is where things started to break down. I don’t remember specifically what was said, other than that it was me calmly asking questions in an attempt to discover what feelings were underneath all that. I sank into the Void of Despair pretty quickly. We sat in silence for a while, while I silently cried, thinking about how difficult it is to carry the entire emotional burden of our relationship and how utterly tired I am. I finally asked why he never asks me how I’m feeling. He said something about avoiding it like he does with his own emotions. More silence, more tears from me, followed by him asking me what I was thinking about. So, I told him…

I eventually stopped crying, and when I got tired of the silence, I told him I was ready to go to bed. And that was that.

Last night’s check-in was short. We gave our “numbers” (one number for how the day went, then 2 separate numbers regarding Program stuff). He asked why my number was what it was, so I told him it was because of the previous night and a little because of the physical pain I was in, but I didn’t elaborate and he didn’t ask for anything more. He asked if I wanted to go ahead and watch the next Program video (which was an hour long), so I said yes and we did that.

I have to admit that I wanted to talk more about everything, plus the video when we were done, but… I was also just tired of trying, so I didn’t. Having productive conversations with him about how he feels is like trying to pull teeth. The resistance is strong with this one. I’m not saying it’s hopeless, but sometimes… I just don’t have the Spoons. I get really tired of being the strong, patient, and supportive one, ya know? I have to hope (ew) that some day in the not-so-distant future, this Program and the work we do in it will successfully rewire/reprogram his brain in such a way that he grows and matures emotionally… and will be able to support me.

Meanwhile, I have to continue to pick up the broken pieces and hold tight to the ones I can, to not completely fall apart. Guess it’s good that I have therapy to fall back on.