A year ago, I was in the throes of questioning my ability to make good choices when it came to men (a repeating pattern, unfortunately), wallowing in mountains of self-pity, severely beating myself up for being utterly stupid – yet again – for falling for sweet words and promises that turned out to be lies, and just overall confused at how things had turned out the way they had. I was also missing my son something fierce.

I guess I have done some hinting about “October” throughout my blogging history (I searched), but never truly explained how things actually went for me…

The Boyfriend moved me – and my 3 cats – here on August 17th, 2024. To say that it was a whirlwind is a gross understatement. I mean, we “officially” started dating (long distance) on June 1st of that year. Granted, we’d been friends for many years before that and dated for a couple months way back when we were younger… but still.

I adjusted to the move fairly easily, the cats not so much (a huge shock moving from Arkansas to Colorado). But also because Fluffybutt. So, I relegated myself to the basement with them, intending for it to be a temporary thing until we could integrate the cats. It wasn’t terrible, so I wasn’t bothered.

And then, The Boyfriend told me that October is the busiest time for his job and not to expect much from him the entire month. I really did try hard not to, but it was difficult. We didn’t spend much time together, lots of neglect and outright rejection when I wanted to connect, but… again, I was warned and did my best to let it slide.

Thing is… once October was over and I had the “sigh of relief” that things would go back to normal?! I was extremely disappointed (repeatedly) to find out that this trend was continuing. We had fights, he kept rejecting all manners of connection (sexual and not), he spent a LOT of time alone in his room, and things just seemed… suspicious?! He was a completely different person to the man I’d fallen so hard and fast for and I was utterly devastated and confused. I questioned what I’d done or said that made him so cold towards me. I spent many nights alone, crying myself to sleep, with only the comfort of my cats. It was well and truly one of the hardest times I’d had to deal with… I mean fuck, I had left my son in Arkansas with his dad (his choice, not mine) and completely moved states just to be with him, to start a new chapter of my life, to finally be with someone that seemed worth the effort.

Along with all that, I was also dealing with all the “firsts” without my son.

So, come Xmas Day, I went to my cousin’s to spend Xmas with blood-relatives. The Boyfriend had to work (from home). I was picked up and brought home. It wasn’t too terrible of an event, but I was really depressed because I wanted The Boyfriend and my son to be there. I spent the rest of Xmas alone, despite The Boyfriend being upstairs and working. I don’t recall if he came down at all or even acknowledged I existed. It was fucking hard, let me tell ya.

Around the time he was getting off work, I’d been messaging with him. I don’t even know what we were talking about, but I do know it ended up being a fight and, instead of coming down to spend time with me, he rejected that and told me he was going to bed… and did so immediately (that I remember). Now, mind you, I had no idea what the hell his problem was back then. I do NOW, but that doesn’t make it any better.

The result of that was a severe and immediate drop into the Void of Despair. I was bawling my eyes out on the couch and practically flew downstairs to the basement. My heart was completely crushed into oblivion and my only thoughts were about how stupid and unworthy I was. I grabbed a bottle of my medication and opened the lid, fully intending to swallow the entire bottle and permanently check myself out. Then, because of a cat or my own brain, I stopped. I picked up my phone and reached out to GenGen, telling him what I was about to do. He called me. He talked with me for a full 2 hours, until I finally felt well enough not to go through with it. When we got off the phone, I curled up into my covers and passed out.

So, long story short, Xmas is now an “anniversary” with which I have to be cautious and aware of my own mental health, to do extra self care so that I don’t have the same close call.

I will say that The Boyfriend IS aware of what happened. It took a lot of strength and courage for me to even tell him. I don’t remember when I told him, either, but it hasn’t been that long. And during last night’s check-in, it came up again. He told me he hopes that he has the time to make it up to me. We had a bit of a laugh about that, because I got confused and told him he has 22 days til Xmas, so that’s plenty of time… but that’s not what he meant. 😛

Anyway… I am in a much better place today than I was last year, but I’m still planning to stay aware of my emotions and whatnot. Hopefully, things will remain calm.