In the interest of not having much motivation to blog/journal, let alone something to talk about… I’ve titled this as what my EMDR therapist and myself are calling the memory of when my brain “broke” and Anhedonia took over. It seemed fitting enough, since we started working on it yesterday. It was rough, but necessary, and I expect it will get worse before it gets better.

I’m also going to include what I wrote to The Dementor on December 21st, 2022 – the day I ended things with him (3rd time’s a charm, I guess) and I had a massive/instant panic attack seeing he had opened his Discord to see what I’d just sent. I’m putting it here because, if I ever delete all that, I want this part available for reference. I forget things, so at least it will be here to remember the date and what I wrote. (Side Quest: I took a lot of content from a really great video off FB, but can’t reference it since it’s been 3 years)

It’s been a whole week now since I’ve heard from you. I don’t want this to be lengthy, so I’m just going to get on with it…

Sacrificing my boundaries in the name of empathy isn’t noble. It’s made me a safe house for your demons. Empathy has to be learned in two parts: how to put myself in your shoes and see the hurt you were given that made you hurt me AND how to understand that I still don’t deserve the pain you’ve caused me. Your scars are no excuse for the wounds you’ve given me. Your inability to heal is not something I can fix, let alone stay and continue to let you treat me in all these unacceptable ways. I have consistently given you excuses and a safe place for your darkness, even while demanding you do better. But… the only thing I’ve been teaching you is that I’ll put up with it. I am no longer going to do that. I want to live in a world where hurt people don’t hurt people, but the reality is that it starts with me standing up for myself and not accepting disrespect. I choose to heal. I choose to take the darkness I’ve been given and still be light. I choose kindness despite the overwhelming pain I’ve received, and so can you, if you actually want to. And I truly hope that you do, some day, but it’s going to be without my support.

My unhealthy, codependent attachment to you has been completely broken. It’s totally different for me this time. I have finally accepted you – truly and wholly – for who you are. I’ve accepted that you will never change for the better. And? I have been absolutely fine this past week because of that.

So on that note, this is my final goodbye. I am 100% sure that I’m done and don’t ever want to interact with you again. My last, humble request is that you delete all my nude photos. In my mind, it’s a matter of respect and decency, and yes – I WILL be doing the same for you.

I also have a hard boundary: do not contact me ever again. This includes a complete revocation of the “open invite” you used to insert yourself back into my life last time. There will be no repeat of that bullshit. Do NOT show up here. Period. I am done forever. There will not be any going back. I will not reach out to you again. This is the end, completely. Please accept and respect this.

Sincerely,
Melissa

P.S. I’m going to attempt to send this via both Discord and email in hopes that it will actually reach you, then everything will be blocked. Do not respond, I don’t need nor want it.

And that’s that. The toxic relationship and codependency ended easily, but in that moment when I sent it and I saw him log on… I had a massive panic attack and quickly blocked him. I was shaking from all that intensity. I proceeded to block him everywhere else and delete everything on my phone that I had of him. That evening, I burned what few things he’d given me (literally just a bear and a couple cards) and drank a small glass of Rumchata on the rocks (a very rare thing for me to do). I felt numb.

In the following days, small incidents and checking in with myself and my emotions, I discovered I wasn’t actually numb… I was unable to feel any joy in any form for any reason, despite remembering what those things felt like. It was devastating. With each incident, the loss was immeasurable and I would have to go to bed and sob myself to sleep.

It’s been a very long, difficult journey since then and I’m still in the same predicament. I’ve tried tons of different meds and therapies. EMDR, the IUD for hormone regulation, and my current meds… are what I’m trying now. Yes, I do hope they work – even if just a little bit – but… it’s also dangerous for me to “hope” for things and be crushed when they don’t work out.

Anyway… I guess I got quite a bit in today. Yay me!