So, I attend a weekly women’s group call for the Recovery Program we (The Boyfriend and myself) are in. I cherish these calls, because it helps me to not feel so alone, gives me other women’s perspectives on what we are all experiencing, and I just… friggin LOVE these resilient and wonderful women, coach included.
Without going into much detail, we each (3 of us plus the coach) talked at length about what we’ve been dealing with recently and what’s coming up for 2 of us, which is what the other woman just went through. With all of that, our coach gave us a couple of journaling prompts and I will be listing those and writing about them. I have no idea how much I’ll write, so… apologies in advance if it’s a lot?!
- Who in your life has lied to you and made you hate lying so much?
- When I really sit with this, I honestly cannot think of a single person that has lied to me that would make me hate lying so much, outside of The Boyfriend… but I’ve hated it for far longer than I’ve been with him, so I have to dig really deep and discover the why behind my hatred for it. I think a lot of it has to do with how I feel about being truthful… like, honesty is truly something I value, even if it’s brutal and stings, ya know? And for this, I know for a fact that this line of thinking came when I began my “mentorship” with Ursa. I say that in air quotes because we became friends, but she was so much more to me than that. When we first started conversing, I expressed how tired I was of having smoke blown up my arse and really wanted/needed someone that would tell things to me straight, without flowery b.s. – even if it sucked to hear. She took on that role with a vengeance (hahaha). No, but seriously… she became my sounding board for so much (Gravity, The Dementor, you name it). I would present her with whatever evidence necessary (screenshots, convo, etc) and she would tell me what I’d said/done wrong and why and how to handle the situation properly. I still have mad respect for her and how much shite she put up with on my end… because she taught me SO friggin much.
- Anyway, back to the original thing… I suppose before Ursa it wasn’t so much that I’d ever been “lied” to as my trust and safety had been repeatedly betrayed by my father and mother. More so my father, of course, because he was a toxic and abusive piece of horse dung, but… my mother, as well, because she allowed it to happen. And, I have been repeatedly let down by so many people in my life that it is well and truly difficult to say that literally anyone hasn’t in some way or another. This came up in EMDR this week, too. The only person that’s been a solid figure in my life and hasn’t left or betrayed me in some way has been Granny Sídhe. And ooooh boy was that a bitter pill to swallow, let me tell ya.
- This brought something out in the group call, as well, because I shared that very fact… I want my relationship with The Boyfriend to be better, because everyone else – and he – has let me down. This is a chance for someone that I choose every single day to rise up to become the person I know he can be. I believe in him and I want to see the results of that belief come true. I don’t want to be let down any more.
The other prompt is: Why are you angry?
Ugh. I have SO many reasons to be angry, I swear. So… since I know it’s going to be a lot and probably very vent-y, I will save it for next time. But for now, how about you? Do you hate lying? If so, why? Did someone lie to you in the past and make you angry towards lying?
Almost forgot this one: Put your crown on and ask yourself how you feel. Basically, what would happen if you did this and the answer is, “I don’t want this any more.” Then write about that. Then ask why, again. And so on.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 